When I was a kid, my mother would say, "Finish your dinner, there are kids in China who don't get enough to eat." Now, mothers in China tell their kids, "Finish your dinner, there are kids in America who don't get to learn math."
I want to do well in Bar Review, so I'm going to show up for class sober once in awhile.
But seriously, I really should do a better job with my drinking. So I'm buying an ice maker and installing lights over the wet bar.
Drunk or sober, law school sure was tough. I did learn one thing in Legal Ethics class, though: If you're the judge, and the prosecution bribes you $100 while the defense bribes you $150, you should refund the defense $50 and rule on the merits. See? The system works.
Believe it or not, ladies, I'm a sensitive guy. I cry after sex. Usually because of the pepper spray.
I also support gay marriage. After all, the traditional system isn't fair. Let the gays maintain the social fabric for awhile while I drop ecstasy and dance around in a jockstrap. Now, THAT’S equality.
I've definitely lost all faith in religion. When I was young, I prayed every night, "God, please stop telling people to kill for you." And did He listen? No.
But I have to admit, the idea of an all-powerful being who always agrees with my politics and who will let me into heaven as long as my dying word is "sorry;" this does have a certain appeal.
Overall, I guess you could say I'm a pretty conventional guy. I'm getting on in years, so I know it’s time to start thinking about settling down and making some compromises.
For instance, I wouldn't mind getting married someday as long as my wife pays for the hookers and holds the video camera.
I wouldn't mind having kids, as long I don't have to raise them, pay for them, or hear about them.
I wouldn't even mind driving a mini-van, as long as I can black out the windows and circle the middle-school parking lot, wearing nothing but a trench coat and a pair of tube socks.
By the way, while I was writing, the OK Cupid algorithm identified my ideal match as an independently wealthy, bi-sexual super-model nymphomaniac virgin who loves cooking, cleaning, and video games.
But to be honest, I could probably enjoy the company of a girl who is cute and smart, and has a wicked sense of humor.