I'm Greek/Irish, the last of my kind. We no longer inter-breed, because we're afraid to create a race too lazy to drink.
I was a bad kid, so I make up for it by being a terrible adult.
My therapist said I should work on my drinking. So I bought an ice-maker.
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? About 700 square feet, actually.*
I don't go to strip clubs. If I wanted to give money to a woman who hated me, I'd be married.
I have a black cat, which is ironic, because I'm also in the Ku Klux Klan.
I found out one of my exes had an embarrassing and controversial medical procedure, so I blackmailed her. Now, she's accusing me of partial-birth extortion.
Yeah, yeah. Puns are the lowest form of humor. But testicular cancer is the lowest form of tumor.
Now, some of you might be thinking, "C'mon, Dan. You can do worse than that." Believe me, I'm trying.
*When digging a burrow, a woodchuck will remove about 700 square feet of earth by scraping with it's front paws and throwing (or chucking) the earth behind it. If we substitute wood chips or sawdust for earth, we can approximate an answer to the age-old riddle.
My favorite movie is, "Raping Private Ryan."
My favorite show is, "Narcos" on Netflix, from which I found the inspiration for my current mustache.
My favorite food is Ethiopian, but not the modern Euro-fusion bullshit you'll pay too much for on the Lower East Side. I go for the traditional fare, like shiro or sebhe beghe. Seriously. I wouldn't joke about that.
Every other kind of whiskey