Drowning in information
Starved for knowledge

When life gives you lemons, find some vodka because, well lemons make a great garnish! (What, that's NOT how it goes? )
*INSERT WITTY COMMENT HERE*
Blah blah blah witty banter funny comment laugh hysterically more blah blah yackety schmackety tell a timely political joke!

***CENSORED***
What, I can't say ***CENSORED***???
Son of a ***CENSORED***!

...filling these things out.

*INSERT X-RATED BUT COMICALLY APPROPRIATE COMMENT HERE*

The straightjacket. They ALWAYS notice the straightjacket! And why shouldn't they? It's by Joseph Abboud and it fits PERFECTLY! It's comfortable, the fit is well (and quite adjustable) and yet it restricts movement without binding in all the wrong places!

They also usually notice my "escorts". (Seriously, they're just there to make sure I don't hurt myself or try to escape. They're really a nice couple of guys!)

I'll see whatever my parole officer lets me see.

1) Bail money.
2) A good excuse that fits any situation.
3) Cake. (Who doesn't like a good cake?)
4) An alibi. (Would you be mine?)
5) Oxygen. (I think EVERYONE needs a little of that.)
6) More bail money.

Seriously? Okay...
1) My family.
2) My friends.
3) My dog. Yeah, I said it.
4) Money. What? I need money to pay for stuff! At least I am honest about it! And if money cannot buy happiness I guess I'll have to rent it! (Wait, that's not what I meant. Get your mind outta the gutter!)
5) GOOD food. Not just some gutfiller, but a unique and amazing gastromical experience!
6) Back rubs. Lots and LOTS of back rubs! (Yeah, I love 'em that much!)

...the same thing we do EVERY night, Pinky, trying to take over the WORLD!

Trying to figure a way out of the asylum. Also doing a weekly radio show that happens to be on worldwide every Friday from 5-7PM.

If I told you it would no longer be private, now would it!

Maybe after a night of fun together you might be able to ply a secret or two from me (do I really HAVE any deep dark secrets?).
Regardless, if you want to TORTURE me with hour-long backrubs until something please feel free. Hey, I never said I would give up my secret easily, just willingly! I can't be expected to make it TOO easy for you can I?

You haven't run away screaming by now.

Also, if you voted for Obama, then you probably SHOULDN'T message me.