I suppose I should put this little disclaimer here... I've basically set this profile up to highlight all my faults. It describes everything I am that I realize will scare people off. Might as well put my worst foot forward, that way you'll be pleasantly surprised when it's not as bad as you thought.

EDIT: Also, INTP pretty much perfectly describes me.

UPDATE (7/6/09)--

Added a few EDIT2's.

UPDATE (4/24/09)--

It's recently occurred to me that I'm really, really bad at talking to girls I'm interested in. I mean, I knew this, but I wasn't entirely aware of its scope. It gets to where I have basically -nothing- to say, aside from creepy compliments, because that's all I can think of.

I realize most people don't actually read this thing. It's too damned long. I know. But for the one or two that do: if you want to talk, and I'm interested in you, then you have to give me a nudge or two in the right direction. And you'll know if I am. I'm horrible at subtlety, so I've probably already come out and told you. Or maybe I haven't. Maybe I like you to where I couldn't even force myself to write it out. It happens.

UPDATE (4/9/09)--

I'm far too tired to think up anything of value. I might redo this update later, as I'm running on 4 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours.

EDIT: (4/11/09) Okay so I'm having trouble. I never know which topics are appropriate to put in journals, write on forums or stick into my profile. I dunno. I feel like the profile's where I put things that are relatively important for people to see, whereas the journal is less important but still things I want to be credited for, and the forum is for things that will disappear in the sands of time but get more short-term attention. Because nobody reads journals, apparently -_-

UPDATE (3/29/09)--

I've recently gotten drunk for the first time. I was kind of worried what -kind- of a drunk I'd be - violent, depressing, loud, etc - so I did it in a controlled environment with my best friend the_mega_w and nobody else. He was drinking too, just to make it fair. Long story short, I'm a cuddly, affectionate, giggly drunk. Which is weird for someone with severe depression.

I have yet to drink since then. I'm not sure if this warrants changing my "Do You Drink?" question on my profile. I guess whoever feels like reading my profile will read both this -and- my "Do You Drink" answer, and if they're confused, will request further explanation. If not, fuck it. *shrugs*

UPDATE (3/4/09)--

I'm apathetic and not very social and I come off as a dick to most people. This is probably because I don't care about most people. I tell the truth, and I call people on their bullshit.

By most standards, I'm a horrible person. I live with my mom, I have no job, have no car, have no license, have no desire for any of the aforementioned. I've suffered from some hellish depression since before I hit puberty, so I'm kind of used to it now, but the side-effects of that are I don't care about most things. In an argument, I sometimes tend to lock down and become very cold and logical, which has ended more than a couple previous relationships.

I don't chase. I don't have the self-esteem for it. I can't properly play the dating game of maybe-you-do-maybe-you-don't; if I could, I wouldn't be here.

I don't actually recommend that anybody date me. All my previous girlfriends, I've warned ahead of time; I won't lie to you, I won't cheat on you, I don't get stupid drunk and do stupid shit or do drugs, but I talk shit about things that warrant said shit-talkery (certain religions, certain ideas, certain actions) and I don't have a lot to offer a girl other than just being able to sit there and wonder why someone's putting up with me and my bullshit. I can't afford to take you out all that often, I can't afford gifts and I don't even have the ability to pick you up with anything on the way to our very very inexpensive date. I have a bike, but that's not impressive at all, is it? I'm probably very irritating. I sit at home on the computer all day, reading webcomics and posting on forums, reading email and fucking with idiots in chatrooms. I have no life, and I don't hide it. That said, I'm pretty smart. Comes from being such a cold and logical bastard - practice. I can think, but not about anything important or useful enough to land me a job, and the few times it has, my other mental defects have counteracted that quite effectively. I'm good at talking. As said, I talk shit, but that shit can take the form of advice or support as needed.

I cuddle like a fish drinks water.

If you're one of those people that loves a great sob story, oh boy, I've got some for you. Even I'm impressed with how depressing I can be. A lot of people have said that's part of why they like me, cause I go through shit and laugh about it. I don't entirely understand how that works, but I'm relaying this information for -your- benefit.

Warnings and pedigree aside, I'm a geek. I make D&D jokes, I have catchphrases collected over months of shit-talking, I mock Kenny Loggins and imagine up crazy scenarios in which he's being raped by an anthropomorphic stove. Patton Oswalt is a god; I watch a lot of stand-up.

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I'm very political, very opinionated - I love debating, talking, arguing, thinking about really intellectual shit that nobody else cares about (What if we were all just a donut hole in 1920's Scotland, man? Woooaaahh...).

I'm in northern VA, which, as many who live here can tell you, is like living in L.A., but with more political bumper stickers and gun nuts. Many people here are self-absorbed, because of the high amount of new houses and townhouses and general construction popping up all over the place that only rich bastards can afford. Whatchagonnado.

I'm a godless pinko commie hippie baby-eating liberal scumbag and I'm fairly proud of it. This is the stance I take on most debates I'm involved in.

UPDATE (5/18/07)--

I'm a huge nerd. If geekdom were a university, I'd be getting a major in video games and a minor in anime, working my way towards a masters degree.

I hang out on message boards with other nerds and talk about random shit, i.e. "They only made Samus a girl for fanservice purposes.", "Akiha is such a blatant Sailor Mars ripoff.", "FFVII wasn't that great", etc etc.

I read just under forty webcomics on a daily basis and check the funny pages whenever I can.

Most of all, however, I'm a devoted fanboy and member of the Church of Maynard. TooL, APC, and any Maynard-related collaboration otherwise is right at the top of my list of things I respect most in the world. Wings for Marie parts one and two come together to form /the/ most beautiful song in the universe, and very little anyone says can make me believe otherwise. I worship the ground that man walks on, and consider his bathwater to be a holy weapon against the undead.

My love for debate and pretentious thinking twist together every now and then, which is why I can say I've debated and argued most (if not all) of the songs on every TooL and APC cd there is.

It is because of my obsession with the high quality genius that is TooL and APC that I have a bitter hatred for anything lesser that dares state that something (much less so, themselves) is better than His works. I have a strong distaste for inane and pointless lyrics that become popular through repetition and a beat, ergo, I fucking hate Emo music.

I'm an elitist snob when it comes to music and judging martial arts movies (early-90's Jet Li trumps almost anything else), so look forward to that if your fingers accidentally twitch to the 'send a message' button.

I am sarcastic, INTP, and apathetic

Not a damn.

EDIT: I need to emphasize this. Not a -damn-. I don't do shit for the homies, let me reiterate, don't do SHIT for the homies!

... brownie points for getting that reference.

EDIT2: Technically I watch my little brother and babysit my mom and her boyfriend occasionally, as well.

Sarcasm.

EDIT: Could I -be- any better at sarcasm?

("That is so not the opposite of hiding somebody's underwear!")

EDIT2: I'm decent at vidja gaymps. And talking about things I don't like (bands, games, people, etc).

That they don't notice me.

EDIT: I've heard from reliable sources that my pictures make me look creepy. Sorry. My house has terrible lighting, and I don't like smiling in pictures I'm taking, I feel too awkward.

Odd Thomas; Piers Anthony books, Waking Life, Tool (and, by proxy, A Perfect Circle); Counting Crows, Silversun Pickups, BNAC (bomb-diggity nachos at Champps), edible.

EDIT: Also, Linkin Park's second CD is very tolerable. Nothing beyond that, though, like Meteora or Minutes to Midnight. Can't stand those albums.

Tool, my two-ish friends, a computer of some kind, internet, ehhh... Tool and Tool. There.

EDIT: Wasn't this "six things I could never live without" before?

EDIT2: Recently went a month without an internet. I suppose I -could- do without it, but dear god I would rather not.

I'm a guy so I supposedly think about sex every five seconds or something. I think that's a conservative estimate. Somewhere in that equation is video games; most recently, RE5. RE4 is good, too, but it doesn't have that camaraderie of co-op. Also, I'm mentally proofreading and editing everything I read, especially if I'm not the one that wrote it.

Oh and recently have been introduced into the awesomeness of Dynasty Warriors Empires. I've been a DW fanatic since roughly middle school, but only recently have I played the Empires expansion. It's pretty awesome, and the act of planning tactics and strategy then proceeding to beat some Chinese ass with said strategy is a great way of bringing two people together. DW6: Empires is pretty fricking sweet as well.

EDIT: Also, I laugh at the fact that I edit my profile in the wee hours of the morning, y'know, when it'll be on the front page, when there's nobody to see it. Good job, Tommy.

We just look a lot better in the blue light. You know I gotta get out, but I'm stuck so tight, weighed by the chains that keep me hanginaround.

Seriously, though, not doing shit for the homies.

If it's private, why would I admit it here? Ask me if you really wanna know.

EDIT: I've been informed that this answer is stereotypical. I apologize, and offer seppuku in exchange for my honor.

EDIT2: Fine, fine. I like to stare directly at the sun itself as it sets and rises. Not great for my eyes, but hell.

You're on the site?

Oh I'm sorry, I'm supposed to feign hard to get.

"Don't message me unless you have a yacht! A DIAMOND yacht!"

Also, if you like me, you're going to have to come out and say it. I don't do well with subtlety during introductions, though I can usually manage pretty well once I assume you have an interest; it's just a matter of getting there in the first place.

EDIT: Oh, and I don't like juggalos. They're retarded. So don't message me if you're a juggalo. Unless you're hot. But I dunno, you'd have to be, like, really hot. Really, really hot.

EDIT2: And seriously, if you like Tool, then I like you, so message me.