I'm the old fart you've been longing to engage because I have the
experience all your energetic, pink, and shiny contemporaries lack.
What makes me so attractive to you is that I've given up, which
makes me grounded. My skin is loose, a little dry, and I smell
weird. I voted for Mike Dukakis...do you even know who that is? I
remember smoking on airplanes, and I'm older than all but one
current baseball player.
I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because
they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and
Vinnie Barbarino? Their shows got canceled because no one wants to
see a 50 year-old guy hitting on chicks. I want you to hold me and
tell me everything is going to be alright.
What I’m doing with my life
I look after tenants and sometimes play the bass, the least
appreciated instrument in music history. I like it because I can
get away with messing up all the time because nobody gives a shit
about bass players except other bass players which I don't give a
I’m really good at
reminiscing about the good old days and telling youngsters their
generation is lost. I also excel at giving televangelists lots of
The first things people usually notice about me
My sagging neck skin.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Shows: reruns of The Price is Right and the Partridge Family.
Music: Glen Miller, the theme from "I Love Lucy", Jim Reeves, the
Papas and the Mamas, the theme from "Happy Days", Johnny
Mathis, George Jones, Anne Murray, Nat King Cole, Benny Goodman,
Hey man, is that Freedom Rock? Yeah...well turn it UP!
Food: boiled white rice with cubes of cheese, jello, cottage
cheese, farmer cheese, pickle tray, brussel sprouts, liver and
onions, Total cereal, grape nuts, salisbury steak, grapefruit,
buttermilk (straight up), Tom Collins, Ensure, and spoonfuls of
peanut butter with sardines sprinkled on top.
The six things I could never do without
I don't know about things I can't do without, but I will tell you I
really hate paying taxes, alimony, and buying stuff for
unappreciative children who expect me to pay for everything because
their mom tells them I'm an asshole.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
how I don't enjoy watching sports of any kind, but I enjoy dressing
well...how else would I make up for my decrepit looks? Oh, I know,
by having the libido of a thousand bonobos (the hippies of the ape
world), which I can only achieve by taking high doses of Viagra.
On a typical Friday night I am
drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes at the Dunkin' Donuts
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Viagra is awesome.
You should message me if
you're tall, bitchy, blonde, snort cocaine, and are into cowboys.
No...that's Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. Well actually, she's not
really into cowboys. The woman I'm looking for should be short, own
a brewery, and have a flat head. No, I think that's the punchline
to a joke. Ok..ok...I think I've got it now. Be a woman, not a
girl, a man, or a transexual. Please have all your teeth. Oh, and
for all the slow people, a lot of the above is an outright lie.