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DeepDiscussions

41 M Salem, OR

My Details

Last Online
Today – 11:28am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Asian, White
Height
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Fit
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
No
Drinks
Socially
Drugs
Religion
Agnosticism, and somewhat serious about it
Sign
Aquarius, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from masters program
Job
Medicine
Income
Relationship Status
Open relationship
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids
Pets
Likes dogs and has cats
Speaks
English

Similar Users

My self-summary
I'm ENTJ on the Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test (based on the Myers-Briggs personality test). Here's my summary of what that means:
http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/a/entj.htm

Try the test out: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

I was a computer programmer for 10 years and recently converted over to an advance practice nurse. BTW, my pictures are all within the last 2 yrs...I'm older than I look...by about a decade. It just means I'm a little wiser...I hope. :) I enjoy a nice discussion on just about any topic, but in particular: science, future possibilities, crafts, politics, movies, sex, relationships (not necessarily in this order :) - FYI I'm liberal :) I find I'm in a strange situation. I have been happily married for 4 years (together for 6); however, my wife and I have been living in separate cities due to work/school and have agreed to allow dating other people. In the end, distance is only part of the equation. As with most marriages, over time your friendship grows and the heat settles to a nice comfortable simmer. We hope this will breathe a little fire back into our lives.

I recently learned that I am a sapiosexual from someone on OKCupid :) Or at least, have sapiosexual tendencies...

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Latest thoughts on open relationships:
If anyone is interested in one way an open relationship can work, keep reading...

So, my wife and I have now jumped in the deep end of open relationships. Or more specifically she has :) In general, it is far easier for a woman to find a secondary relationship than it is for a man. Just the way it is, I'm sure you can figure out why. My wife now has a boyfriend who is also married and his wife has a boyfriend. It may sound strange but it is actually very supportive. i.e. My wife and I were bickering and she vented to her boyfriend. Lo and behold, he takes my side and explains to her that he will always take my side. In the end he is vested in our marriage being healthy. He is already in a primary relationship and needs his secondary relationship with my wife to remain secondary to keep the balance and vice versa. Don’t think of secondary as a race/competition. The secondary relationship’s primary role is to have fun! That’s it. No worrying about bills, mortgage, chores, etc. All the heavy mundane parts of life generally fall on the primary relationship. The secondary is a chance for fun, light heartedness and passion. Not to say these are devoid from the primary; however, in the primary they are tempered by the long view responsibilities of life.

As with any relationship, good communication is key. You also have to keep your jealousy in check. One way of doing this is through a little cognitive restructuring. Rather than viewing my wife's boyfriend as a rival; I view him as someone who makes my wife happy (extremely important to me). An additional support structure for our family and an ally vested in the health and success of my marriage.

Compersion is a great word another OKC member taught me. Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents' pride in their children's accomplishments or one's own excitement for friends' and others' successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy. - http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion

Lots of interesting conversations with friends and family have come up now that my wife and I have opened up our relationship. Jealousy is the most common thread. Often being told, "I'm a jealous lover" or something to that effect. This was also my wife's concern and many others that I have spoken with who have also opened up their relationships. I believe this is essentially a learned/trained response. We have been taught since middle/high school that the worse thing your significant other could do is cheat on you. The ultimate betrayal. Essentially learning that there is no other way than monogamy, and preparing us for traditional marriage.

My wife's jealousy quickly evaporated when she got a BF. Now she keeps pushing me to go out on dates b/c she is feeling rather guilty that she has someone else and I don't :) Funny how that works.

I will admit that I have on occasion had a pang of jealousy. Mainly b/c the sex is new and exciting for my wife. And her man showers her with gifts, fun outings/activities and praise. I view this jealousy as a reminder that I still care for my wife. When jealousy is more excessive, I believe it starts to change from being a reminder of your feelings for someone else to an unhealthy selfish insecure response to fear of losing them.

Open relationships can also be very social. My wife has already met her boyfriends wife and their child. We have all gone out for drinks (minus the child) and had a nice time. My wife and her BF frequently express their love for each other. And no, I'm not worried. Love is not a limited resource that is reduced for me the more she gives to him. It's actually just the opposite. The more happy and in love she is with him, the more happy and in love she is with me. I imagine it is kind of like living in a hippie commune but with a few more rules ;)

The other problem an open relationship helps solve is the near impossibility for one person to satisfy all the needs of another throughout a lifetime. It's really the best of both worlds. You get the deep roots and life long companionship/support from the primary relationship. And you get the excitement, fun and additional needs satisfied by the secondary.

This is just one of many ways of having an open relationship. And in the end, it has significantly helped our relationship. This is not to say it's always easy. In my experience, no relationship is easy and devoid of work.

Going through this process has definitely opened my eyes to the fact that traditional marriage is absolutely not the only way!

Interesting TED talks to show the complexity of desire and sex throughout a life long relationship: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html
What I’m doing with my life
Well, I recently finished a decade of grueling education converting from the world of business to the world of medicine. I'm working on getting back to my life. I'm trying to get back in the gym, learn guitar/ukulele, pick up a little spanish (very little), play with my sewing machine, glass fusing/slumping...I suppose that's a good place to start. I use to have a bunch of hobbies which I will slowly start working back into my life: rock climbing, hiking, biking, sewing (I made a quillow once...a quilt that turns into a pillow ;). I guess I'm just playing with a lot of little things at the moment.
The first things people usually notice about me
I had to ask someone about this one. I was told I immediately come across with a kind and warm demeanor. On a side note, most people think I'm every ethnicity other than what I actually am: half Chinese Jamaican and half English. There are a bunch of short Chinese people in Jamaica who speak with a Jamaican accent, know absolutely no Chinese and have been there for generations. Actually, one recently won the Voice competition. My father met my mother in Jamaica.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Movies:
Princess Bride (it's a classic), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (so Fucking original!!!), True Grit, Lincoln, Avatar, 300, Million Dollar Baby, Django Unchained, Incredibles, Shrek, Rango, Serenity (I loved the TV series), the new Star Treks, Saving Private Ryan, Kung Fu Panda, etc. I love sci-fi and fantasy, but am up for just about anything. I don't like psycho thrillers very much. I get enough reality in life...

Shows:
Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Spartacus, UFC, News

Music:
Black Keys, The Lumineers, Florence and the Machine, Mumford and Sons, Iron and Wine, Avett Brothers. These are the more recent. I also love U2, Pearl Jam, Beattles. I also really like a little funk and blues.

Food:
I like trying new ethnic foods. In the end though, I'm a meat and potatoes kinda guy. I was a vegetarian for about 6mo once. I found I couldn't come up with enough things I liked to eat though. This more reflects my poor cooking rather than being vegetarian.

Books:
Fantasy/Science Fiction:
I like a lot of fantasy fiction like: Ender's Game, The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, The Wheel of Time, Codex Alera, Belgariad, The Hero of Ages, Mistborn, The First Law, King Killer Chronicles and the like (It's nice to escape from reality on occasion)

Other fiction: Memoirs of a Geisha, Celestine Prophecy, The Life of Pi

Misc: On Intelligence, Fabric of the Cosmos, Universe in a Nutshell, Fingerprints of the Gods, The Tao of Poo

TED Talks: I also love these speakers. If you've never heard of this, do a search online or look for the App on ITunes. Leaders in different fields are asked to give short (15-30 min) talks about the latest and greatest in their specialties. Everything from food to space travel.

Here's a link to one of my favorite TED talks. I love the pure love and joy of science/discovery that the speaker portrays:
Brian Cox: Why we need the explorers
http://www.ted.com/talks/brian_cox_why_we_need_the_explorers.html
The six things I could never do without
A good conversation
Sun
Water
Hot shower...Which I guess falls under water.
Computer
Internet
I know...strange combo
I spend a lot of time thinking about
life, human potential, politics (if you missed it earlier...I'm liberal), and generally, how to do things better :)
On a typical Friday night I am
going out to diner, possibly a movie, play, have a couple drinks. Lately, looking for something to do...
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 28–40
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
your looking for a nice, honest, genuine man to have diner/drinks/nice conversation/hike/whatever with on occasion.

Also, if you find anything interesting in my profile and wish an honest discussion, feel free to message me. However, if you believe in the sanctity of marriage which is b/n one man and one woman, and this is the only way that each and every one of the 6+ billion people on earth should have a relationship....Please don't waste your time...Or more importantly, don't waste mine. Sorry, I've gotten some narrow minded messages which are not appreciated.