Try the test out: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
I was a computer programmer for 10 years and recently converted over to an advance practice nurse. BTW, my pictures are all within the last 2 yrs...I'm older than I look...by about a decade. It just means I'm a little wiser...I hope. :) I enjoy a nice discussion on just about any topic, but in particular: science, future possibilities, crafts, politics, movies, sex, relationships (not necessarily in this order :) - FYI I'm liberal :) I find I'm in a strange situation. I have been happily married for 4 years (together for 6); however, my wife and I have been living in separate cities due to work/school and have agreed to allow dating other people. In the end, distance is only part of the equation. As with most marriages, over time your friendship grows and the heat settles to a nice comfortable simmer. We hope this will breathe a little fire back into our lives.
I recently learned that I am a sapiosexual from someone on OKCupid :) Or at least, have sapiosexual tendencies...
Latest thoughts on open relationships:
If anyone is interested in one way an open relationship can work, keep reading...
So, my wife and I have now jumped in the deep end of open relationships. Or more specifically she has :) In general, it is far easier for a woman to find a secondary relationship than it is for a man. Just the way it is, I'm sure you can figure out why. My wife now has a boyfriend who is also married and his wife has a boyfriend. It may sound strange but it is actually very supportive. i.e. My wife and I were bickering and she vented to her boyfriend. Lo and behold, he takes my side and explains to her that he will always take my side. In the end he is vested in our marriage being healthy. He is already in a primary relationship and needs his secondary relationship with my wife to remain secondary to keep the balance and vice versa. Don’t think of secondary as a race/competition. The secondary relationship’s primary role is to have fun! That’s it. No worrying about bills, mortgage, chores, etc. All the heavy mundane parts of life generally fall on the primary relationship. The secondary is a chance for fun, light heartedness and passion. Not to say these are devoid from the primary; however, in the primary they are tempered by the long view responsibilities of life.
As with any relationship, good communication is key. You also have to keep your jealousy in check. One way of doing this is through a little cognitive restructuring. Rather than viewing my wife's boyfriend as a rival; I view him as someone who makes my wife happy (extremely important to me). An additional support structure for our family and an ally vested in the health and success of my marriage.
Compersion is a great word another OKC member taught me. Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents' pride in their children's accomplishments or one's own excitement for friends' and others' successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy. - http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compersion
Lots of interesting conversations with friends and family have come up now that my wife and I have opened up our relationship. Jealousy is the most common thread. Often being told, "I'm a jealous lover" or something to that effect. This was also my wife's concern and many others that I have spoken with who have also opened up their relationships. I believe this is essentially a learned/trained response. We have been taught since middle/high school that the worse thing your significant other could do is cheat on you. The ultimate betrayal. Essentially learning that there is no other way than monogamy, and preparing us for traditional marriage.
My wife's jealousy quickly evaporated when she got a BF. Now she keeps pushing me to go out on dates b/c she is feeling rather guilty that she has someone else and I don't :) Funny how that works.
I will admit that I have on occasion had a pang of jealousy. Mainly b/c the sex is new and exciting for my wife. And her man showers her with gifts, fun outings/activities and praise. I view this jealousy as a reminder that I still care for my wife. When jealousy is more excessive, I believe it starts to change from being a reminder of your feelings for someone else to an unhealthy selfish insecure response to fear of losing them.
Open relationships can also be very social. My wife has already met her boyfriends wife and their child. We have all gone out for drinks (minus the child) and had a nice time. My wife and her BF frequently express their love for each other. And no, I'm not worried. Love is not a limited resource that is reduced for me the more she gives to him. It's actually just the opposite. The more happy and in love she is with him, the more happy and in love she is with me. I imagine it is kind of like living in a hippie commune but with a few more rules ;)
The other problem an open relationship helps solve is the near impossibility for one person to satisfy all the needs of another throughout a lifetime. It's really the best of both worlds. You get the deep roots and life long companionship/support from the primary relationship. And you get the excitement, fun and additional needs satisfied by the secondary.
This is just one of many ways of having an open relationship. And in the end, it has significantly helped our relationship. This is not to say it's always easy. In my experience, no relationship is easy and devoid of work.
Going through this process has definitely opened my eyes to the fact that traditional marriage is absolutely not the only way!
Interesting TED talks to show the complexity of desire and sex throughout a life long relationship: http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html