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DionysusAtPeace

43 Tahlequah, OK Woman

Woman

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I’m looking for

  • Everyone
  • Ages 18–100
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends

My details

Last online
Today – 11:31am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 8″ (1.73m)
Body Type
Fit
Diet
Mostly vegetarian
Smokes
No
Drinks
Rarely
Drugs
Never
Religion
Agnosticism
Sign
Gemini, and it’s fun to think about
Education
Graduated from university
Status
Seeing Someone
Type
Monogamous
Offspring
Has a kid, but doesn’t want more
Pets
Likes cats
Speaks
English
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
First of all, in case it's important to you, I'm not here for dating or sex.

I am in a monogamous relationship with a person I’m extremely fond of and not at all looking to replace. So if you aren't that interested in slow-paced conversations and friendships that will never become romantic or sexual, you’re only going to end up disappointed with me. Furthermore, my time for even conversations and friendships is limited and therefore I'm getting really selective about those, so you might still be disappointed.

Basically – if you don't want to risk disappointment in any sense (also, if fairly long profiles annoy you), it would probably be best to stop right here and look elsewhere. (And also to stop having expectations and hopes in general.) Okay, then!

~~~

I briefly left OkCupid after I met my boyfriend (txdarkangel) here. I came back ostensibly just for the fun of taking tests and comparing my results to his. But it turns out that I'm here for several reasons, including exploration of self and others and self through others, and other reasons I'm still thinking about and some that I think I've gotten over (for the most part). OkC is a satisfying playground for an introvert like me who is fascinated with people. I like seeing how people present themselves in every aspect of their profiles through words and images, which I take the time to absorb. I read explanations of answers to questions...and write lengthy ones myself. I like the process of creating and revising my profile as a way to contemplate and express myself. I'm trying not to skip any questions (unless they just get too ridiculous, I guess) so that I have to confront the discomfort that comes up around some of my honest answers. (Plus it's fun to explain why some questions and answer sets are bad.) I'm getting better at being more honest and straightforward with people who message me, hoping that practice will reinforce my efforts to do the same in face-to-face interactions.

Otherwise, despite what the non-optional “looking for” section says, I'm not actively seeking friends here; rather, I'm just open to the possibility that I may stumble upon one, which has happened a couple of times, though that means I'm running out of resources for more, so it would have to be a pretty extraordinary connection. But yes, I'm open to that. When circumstances and whims align, I do like writing to people, though those occasions seem to be rare these days, and inconsistent, and I'm spending less time here overall. I may visit your profile and be enamored of it and yet not write you about it. If you find something compelling about mine, you are welcome to message me, though I can't guarantee a reply or that it will be timely.

Anyway, here’s what remains of my previous profile, increasingly modified as time goes on:

I still haven’t got it all together. And I’m still stumbling down a healing path of awareness, acceptance, and love, not knowing where that will ultimately take me. I want to drop preconceived ideas of who I am and who I should be (and who others are and who they should be) and just discover myself and others and everything in every moment. I want to move through ambivalence and loosen up my idealism in order to balance my life of introspection with outer experience, experimenting with taking more action, accepting failure as part of the process, and feeling my way through life. And yet at the same time, I want to step out from under the crushing pressure of the overwhelming amount of things I tell myself I could be doing and learning and get better at just being. I want to open myself up, allowing myself to flow freely with life, experiencing everything it has to offer me in every moment and allowing whatever it has to offer to others through me to flow out.

Having said all that, I still haven’t given up trying to define myself, even though I’m also trying not to limit myself to those definitions, so here are some more specific things about me up to this point:

(Enneagram type: 4w5, and I do relate to those descriptions. MB type: INFJ/P. I also feel like mentioning the following things, though you shouldn't make assumptions about what they mean or meant to me; you can ask instead if they interest you: Right Use of Will, non-violent communication, holotropic breathwork, A.J. Miller.)

My ex-husband recently told me I am emotionally eccentric and should embrace that. I'm going with it.

I meander through most spheres of life at a very leisurely pace, often lost in contemplation or a quest for perfection. I tend to focus best on one thing at a time.

I prefer interacting with others one-on-one and sometimes, for limited amounts of time, in small, intimate groups.

I process information slowly and feel that I am better at expressing myself in writing (a slow and laborious process that I love) than verbally.

So, fewer experiences is fine with me. I want to extract as much as I can from each one.

Like everyone else, I’ve been damaged.

Other things: I'd rather relocate than kill little creatures that find their way into my home. (I'm sorry: mosquitoes, fruit flies, and a few other occasional insect exceptions.) I like, and sometimes need, silence. I love discovering accidental scenes of beauty, unintended humor, secondhand treasures for next to nothing, and any other unexpected pleasure. I’m a night owl. I’m both delicate and strong. Sometimes I lick my plate. I love order but I really have to work at creating it. I want to always approach life as a series of interesting problems to solve…or just to let go of. I’m generally, theoretically at least, an advocate of radical honesty; being honest with oneself can be the trickiest part.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Raising my eleven-year-old daughter in the most helpful and respectful way I can manage while dealing with all the things she reflects to me. Supporting her in following her own natural course of learning and unschooling myself so that I can follow that same path. Doing part-time paid work and intending to learn web development skills so that I could possibly join my ex-husband and boyfriend in their work. Maintaining my health through eating relatively well, working out, yoga, getting enough sleep, and trying to avoid toxins, including stress. Following a simple homemaking routine. Discarding things that don’t enrich my life. Maintaining supportive relationships with a handful of people. Still living with my ex as a co-parent, domestic partner, and friend, even though we dissolved our romantic ties years ago.

From all outward appearances, it may look like I am not doing much with my life. And I’m getting more okay with that.

I’d like to spend more time in nature because it’s so restorative. I’d also like to travel someday...or not.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Listening with compassion and interest. Asking questions. Appreciating details and simple things. Seeing many sides of an issue. Contradicting myself. Overthinking things. Getting easily overwhelmed. Cutting thin, even slices from homemade loaves of bread. Making cakes that look awful but taste really good.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Trying to pare down lists of favorite books and movies is way too frustrating, so I've opted for keeping updated lists of the last ten or so things I've read/watched that I felt like mentioning.

Writings –
-The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo, and Clutter Busting, by Brooks Palmer – I love this subject so much I could hoard books on uncluttering. But now I intend to break my addiction to reading about it and feeling inspired, and actually reform my relationship with possessions. I think the second book above gets to the heart of the issue and the first one gives an elegantly simple way to approach it.
-The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry – Ultimately, I was still moved by this.
-The Hobbit
-The Road, by Cormac McCarthy – Horrific, with some moments of beauty. Exquisitely written. Broke down more pieces of my psyche and I didn't really buy the ending...or necessarily even want to.
-Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, by David Sedaris
-The Diamond Age: Or, A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer, by Neal Stephenson – Loved this!
-The Deepest Acceptance: Radical Awakening in Ordinary Life, by Jeff Foster
-The One Thing Holding You Back: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Connection, by Raphael Cushnir – While I'm not so fond of what I perceive as gimmicky marketing ("do this and I guarantee all your dreams will come true!"), it is the most concise and helpful material I've read so far on how to feel emotions (and if that sounds obvious and/or ridiculous to you, talk to me about it!).
-Journal of a Solitude, by May Sarton
-Various online poems by Billy Collins
-Dear Life: Stories, by Alice Munro

Here's something else I read that made me laugh and cry: "Adventures in Depression" – Parts One and Two

And for some reason, I feel that I also want to mention Playing By Heart: The Vision and Practice of Belonging, by O. Fred Donaldson and The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment, by Thaddeus Golas, which is found in entirety here.

Movies –
-Kung Fu Panda :)
-V for Vendetta
-1408 – This was relentless – I've never been so tense and jumpy through an entire movie, which may not be saying much since I haven't watched many horror movies (my boyfriend talked me into it...and got deliberately whacked with my protective blanket after the last unexpected jump scene). I read the short story afterwards, but thought the movie was better – deeper and more complex.
-Boyhood
-Primer
-Lost Highway – My boyfriend was kind enough to tolerate my commentary throughout this movie, which he had seen before, understanding that it was my way of coping with it. (Generally, I don't approve of talking much, sometimes at all, during movies.) I didn't think I liked it, but the more I thought about it and read about how other people interpreted it and what David Lynch himself had to say about it, the more I appreciated it.
-Amélie – Still one of my very favorites.
-Fight Club – Made me think about getting down to the fundamentals of existence, sorting out the things that really matter, and getting intensely present in our own lives.
-The Spirit of the Beehive – I loved the way it lingered over the details of its subjects, and the rich and powerful silence in it.
-Exit Through the Gift Shop

Shows –
I don't watch much TV these days, but my favorites from the past were: Northern Exposure, Masterpiece Theatre, Nature, Daria, NOW with Bill Moyers, Freaks and Geeks, Babylon 5

2/8/15 – I'm watching Avatar: The Last Airbender with my daughter and it's so good! I was surprised.

Oh god, I guess I'll finally admit that I've watched So You Think You Can Dance for a few years.

Music –
Old favorites: Tori Amos (up through Scarlet's Walk), Baroque music, Coldplay, Enya, Davíd Garza (1992-2001), The Innocence Mission (up through Birds of Our Neighborhood), Loreena McKennitt, October Project, Radiohead, Renaissance music, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and much, much more

Stuff that I've gotten into since 2012, in somewhat chronological order: Sufjan Stevens, Regina Spektor, Covenant, Imogen Heap, The Birthday Massacre, Apoptygma Berzerk, Fiona Apple, Tool, Massive Attack, Amanda Palmer, NIN, Universal Hall Pass, Amon Tobin, Björk (though I liked her before 2012, too), Faith and the Muse (and related stuff)

I've taken to adding songs that I come across on internet radio or via other people which appeal to me in one way or another to a playlist (separate from the growing F&TM list above). Here it is.

Food –
All kinds of desserts and chocolate. Spaghetti. Fruit. (So sensual. Two of my most vivid food memories are of a pear and an uncommonly good honeydew melon.) Fried stuffed avocados! Coffee and tea.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
-beauty, in all its forms
-sensual pleasures of all kinds
-quiet solitude
-intimate human connection
-variety (but also some comforting sameness and routine)
-freedom (though I also like structure and guidance)
-the ability to interpret the title of this section loosely
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Emotions (which I want to spend more time actually feeling) and just about every other aspect of inner life.

Honesty. What is the truth?

Relationships.

In reference to my behavior, "Is this (or would this be) a loving act?" (Well, I'm trying to think about this more and more.)

How to distill my life, my speech, my writing (obviously I have a long way to go!).
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I don't pretend to know exactly what love is, and mine is imperfect and impure and I've probably mistaken addiction for a large part of it, but still, my boyfriend speaks only for himself on the subject. However, the rest of what he says is pretty much accurate.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
I generally don't like the word “should” (even though I used it twice above), and it certainly doesn't apply here, but I might be interested in hearing from you if:

-you think we might be on similar, or at least intersecting, paths, and/or
-you want to practice radical honesty, or
-you like my profile, live nearby, and unschool your child(ren), or
-you're strange enough to end up listening to everything in my music links and you like all of it. I mean, what are the odds of that? Or
-you have been drawn toward the idea of intentional community, but eventually abandoned or rejected it, or
-any number of other reasons I can't predict, and
-meeting in person is not your immediate or primary goal* (unless you're an unschooling parent).

As implied above, whether or not I reply to any given message is based on how I'm feeling at any given time for multitudes of reasons and what else is going on at the time. (Though if I don't reply and you're really curious about why and ask me, I'll probably at least try to answer that. But be prepared for a possibly blunt answer.) I'm not offended when others don't reply to me; I hope you won't be either. I want sincere interactions, and if you don't feel like talking with me for any reason whatsoever, I prefer you don't force yourself to do so out of politeness. I intend to operate the same way.

*It takes time and enough interest and feeling of connection to motivate me to make the effort (and it is an effort right now) to meet someone. Realistically, that's unlikely to happen, but it's not completely out of the question because I know that sometimes the effort is worthwhile.