I am in a monogamous relationship with a person I’m extremely fond of and not at all looking to replace. So if you aren't that interested in slow-paced conversations and friendships that will never become romantic or sexual, you’re only going to end up disappointed with me. Furthermore, my time for even conversations and friendships is limited and therefore I'm getting really selective about those, so you might still be disappointed.
Basically – if you don't want to risk disappointment in any sense (also, if fairly long profiles annoy you), it would probably be best to stop right here and look elsewhere. (And also to stop having expectations and hopes in general.) Okay, then!
I briefly left OkCupid after I met my boyfriend (txdarkangel) here. I came back ostensibly just for the fun of taking tests and comparing my results to his. But it turns out that I'm here for several reasons, including exploration of self and others and self through others, and other reasons I'm still thinking about and some that I think I've gotten over (for the most part). OkC is a satisfying playground for an introvert like me who is fascinated with people. I like seeing how people present themselves in every aspect of their profiles through words and images, which I take the time to absorb. I read explanations of answers to questions...and write lengthy ones myself. I like the process of creating and revising my profile as a way to contemplate and express myself. I'm trying not to skip any questions (unless they just get too ridiculous, I guess) so that I have to confront the discomfort that comes up around some of my honest answers. (Plus it's fun to explain why some questions and answer sets are bad.) I'm getting better at being more honest and straightforward with people who message me, hoping that practice will reinforce my efforts to do the same in face-to-face interactions.
Otherwise, despite what the non-optional “looking for” section says, I'm not actively seeking friends here; rather, I'm just open to the possibility that I may stumble upon one, which has happened a couple of times, though that means I'm running out of resources for more, so it would have to be a pretty extraordinary connection. But yes, I'm open to that. When circumstances and whims align, I do like writing to people, though those occasions seem to be rare these days, and inconsistent, and I'm spending less time here overall. I may visit your profile and be enamored of it and yet not write you about it. If you find something compelling about mine, you are welcome to message me, though I can't guarantee a reply or that it will be timely.
Anyway, here’s what remains of my previous profile, increasingly modified as time goes on:
I still haven’t got it all together. And I’m still stumbling down a healing path of awareness, acceptance, and love, not knowing where that will ultimately take me. I want to drop preconceived ideas of who I am and who I should be (and who others are and who they should be) and just discover myself and others and everything in every moment. I want to move through ambivalence and loosen up my idealism in order to balance my life of introspection with outer experience, experimenting with taking more action, accepting failure as part of the process, and feeling my way through life. And yet at the same time, I want to step out from under the crushing pressure of the overwhelming amount of things I tell myself I could be doing and learning and get better at just being. I want to open myself up, allowing myself to flow freely with life, experiencing everything it has to offer me in every moment and allowing whatever it has to offer to others through me to flow out.
Having said all that, I still haven’t given up trying to define myself, even though I’m also trying not to limit myself to those definitions, so here are some more specific things about me up to this point:
(Enneagram type: 4w5, and I do relate to those descriptions. MB type: INFJ/P. I also feel like mentioning the following things, though you shouldn't make assumptions about what they mean or meant to me; you can ask instead if they interest you: Right Use of Will, non-violent communication, holotropic breathwork, A.J. Miller.)
My ex-husband recently told me I am emotionally eccentric and should embrace that. I'm going with it.
I meander through most spheres of life at a very leisurely pace, often lost in contemplation or a quest for perfection. I tend to focus best on one thing at a time.
I prefer interacting with others one-on-one and sometimes, for limited amounts of time, in small, intimate groups.
I process information slowly and feel that I am better at expressing myself in writing (a slow and laborious process that I love) than verbally.
So, fewer experiences is fine with me. I want to extract as much as I can from each one.
Like everyone else, I’ve been damaged.
Other things: I'd rather relocate than kill little creatures that find their way into my home. (I'm sorry: mosquitoes, fruit flies, and a few other occasional insect exceptions.) I like, and sometimes need, silence. I love discovering accidental scenes of beauty, unintended humor, secondhand treasures for next to nothing, and any other unexpected pleasure. I’m a night owl. I’m both delicate and strong. Sometimes I lick my plate. I love order but I really have to work at creating it. I want to always approach life as a series of interesting problems to solve…or just to let go of. I’m generally, theoretically at least, an advocate of radical honesty; being honest with oneself can be the trickiest part.