Sometimes it complies... other times it screams at me and lets me know there are no beans left in it to crush, and that I need to give some to it. Ok, fine.
After that, I pour one and a half cups of 2% milk into an aluminum mug and set it to heat to a frothy 140 degrees fahrenheit... which I will soon mix into the coffee in my cup.
Now I am almost ready to drink my cup of coffee, and sometimes I drink some of it right away... but not long until I remember it still needs something else.
Cinnamon. I MUST have my cinnamon on top.
I take out my cinnamon shaker and sprinkle it on top.
Three whole times.
And NOW I am ready to walk outside around my backyard, and enjoy the morning.
And boy, is it a pretty sight! The sky is sunny, the birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming, dozens of bees are flying around my face trying to say "hello" in their monotone buzzing.... Can you imagine that? Also, I've got a coffee cup in hand, and I'm soaking it all in... this day feels AWESOME.
OK, seriously now, why am I telling you all of this? The reason I am telling you this, is that there are 3 specific qualities that you should share with this cup of coffee and this morning.
Hmm that sounds interesting... What are they?
Well I'll tell you, and they will be easy to see once I tell them to you...
Actually, I bet you might be able to guess one of them, right now... but before we talk about these qualities, let's talk about
why I'm here.
I mean, why do I have to write this profile squishing my whole personality into a little box?
Am I a geek with two heads and bad breath? Nope.
Am I a member of a claustrophilic cult that enjoys squishing into tight spaces? Sorry, not drinking the Kool-Aid.
So why am I on here?
You see, I'm a busy man... and in the name of efficiency,
I'm deciding to give this a try.
Don't get me wrong, it'd be a million times better if step 1
was: I see you in person, you look nice, I approach you and say hi...
However, this is a cool alternate channel that allows us to do a
quick, simple "step zero" before that step 1.
But you know what else? I've also met a few ladies that weren't so outstanding... and they failed some of those "steps"
With these ladies, Step 1 went well... step 2 went
great.. and step 3 went AWESOME... but somewhere around step 7, these ladies revealed that, although they had great exteriors, they were, on the inside, flat out bummers!
Want some examples? You do? OK, you asked for it.
Try these out for size.
Zelda The Princess
Zelda is a 26-year-old Jewish lady who waltzed into my
office and immediately informed me (before I even had a chance
to say hello) she wanted me to write a song for her and she
wanted to go to bed with me.
Well what the hell, on some days I'm a pushover. She got what
she wanted and I must admit, she gave me one of the most
thorough screwings I've ever had in my life.
Unfortunately, it didn't happen in bed.
And what happened in bed was unfortunate also.
You see, Zelda's idea of good sex is brutality.
She wants a man who will slap her around, degrade
and humiliate her and, quite literally, bounce her
off the walls.
Sorry, but that's not for me. I like to make love
with a woman, not war.
Terry The Tragic
Terry was a secretary and a go-go dancer. Great body,
a very pretty face and a good sense of humor. Unfortunately,
she was also a "walking accident" looking for a place to
happen. She was always in court on charges relating to neglecting
her four-year-old daughter and her ex-boyfriend was a Mafia
hit man (true) who wanted her back and was trying to find
We had a VERY BRIEF affair.
Julia The "Would-Be" Prostitute
A gorgeous woman who, after our affair got going, confessed
to me she wanted to live her life as a hooker. Then she
informed she wanted me to be her first "John" and I should
start paying her for sex. When I refused, she decided I would be
her lord and master (pimp) and she would have sex with other
men and make them pay and then give the money to me.
Needless to say... this also was a very brief affair.
Missy The Muse
Sensational looks. A real traffic stopper. I wrote a song based
around her. We started hanging out with each other and I was the
envy of all the men who saw us together.
Except me. I wasn't envious of me at all. Missy had a terminal
case of tunnel vision. The only thing she could focus on whatsoever
for more than 10-seconds was her precious career.
She was deadly dull. I couldn't sustain enough interest
in her to even take her to bed.
I could go on and on... but by now I think you get the point.
So now you must be DYING to know... What do I want in a woman?
Well, you have to be just like that morning cup of coffee we talked about. And you have at least 3 of its qualities...
Your sense of style is a blazing 140 degrees fahrenheit.
You get me hyper within 30 minutes.
And yet you're nice enough to hold in my hands, and when I do, you make me warm.
Bonus quality #1:
You enjoy the moment even with 37 bees flying around your face
Bonus quality #2
Your vibrant optimism is sunny, even when the weather isn't
It's a good combo of qualities and I've found they make for a good match.
Are you leery about meeting a stranger from the internet? I don't blame you. I sure am. Before I decided to write this profile, I started reading other "profiles" and they scare the hell out of me.
I'm always afraid that they are being written by sexually sick
people or real losers and sometimes by people who are downright dangerous.
I mean have you read those profiles? They go like this:
"Psychotic white woman wants to be sodomized by 12 Cuban truck drivers and an invasive Burmese python while husband watches and salivates. Call 1-800-SICKO"
Or like this:
"96-year-old lady with youthful outlook wants to meet
vegetarian non-smoker to discuss saving the whales and
other ecological concerns."
"Pleasingly plump 590 pound woman wants to meet sincere fun loving man to care for her and her lovely 18 children."
And so on...
I'm not like that. Really, I'm not. I promise :-)
I'm a reasonably normal healthy male who would like a little
excitement and romance to his life with a reasonably normal,
If you are at all interested or even curious, please write me
and tell me about yourself, and we'll take it from there.
And also, please have a recent full-length photo.
Who knows. Maybe we'll click and maybe we won't. But, at
the very least, you won't be writing to some sick psycho
on the internet, and maybe, just maybe, it will all turn out great.
Thank you for your support.