PEOPLE OF EARTH

I'm an independent guy who's pretty serious about his freedom but sometimes likes being tied down. I've tried a bit of monogamy and a bit of polyamory without actually settling on anything. Mainly I'm just into trying new things all the time and keeping it interesting. I do a lot of travelling but am originally from the USA and now live in The Netherlands.

I'm a Christian of the Quaker or Unitarian flavor. Which usually confuses the hell out of people. I believe in practicing my spirituality through social action and societal awareness. As well as being conscious of my environment. I'm fed up with Christianity being associated with social conservativism. Jesus was an anarchist!

I can identify with feminism and gender issues in general and can argue incessently about them. I read a lot of philosophy texts and start a lot of projects that I rarely end up finishing. I do a lot of writing in hotel rooms because I spend a large part of my life travelling. I'm a part-time computer geek for a Silicon Valley computer networking company right now. When I'm not working for them I do all kinds of different stuff like; write open source, research, travel, get involved in random acts of artness and goof off. My big project right now is a book I'm writing on metaphors and computers. Reading for that keeps me plenty busy.

I really like Metal music and underground Hip-Hop. Metal is the release valve for my intensity boiler. While Hip-Hop keeps me informed, focused and living through metaphor.

That's enough about me. Here's a little something I wrote one night. It's called "A Surrealist Drugbust" and it's rather absurd. Just like internet dating :)

So the other day I was eating a donut and this cop came up to me and asked if he could have a bite. I didn't want to give him a bite because it was my donut and I bought it with my money. But he was kinda scarey and he had a gun and a badge and a tazer. So I offered him a bite of this donut. He took a long kinda scarey look at me then grabbed the donut from my hand. I could see it slowly melting in his grubby paws. The way the donut formed and molded itself around his fingers and the chocolate topping started dripping down the sides near his thumb. It was gross.

Then he raised the donut to his mouth, stuck one corner of it in his mouth and took a bite. Not a particularly large bite but not a nibble either. A moderately sized mouthful that you would expect from someone who asked to have a bite from something you were eating. But it was too much for me. I didn't want this donut anymore. I didn't want any donut anymore. I was finished with donuts.

So I climbed on my pony and started to ride away. But he stopped me and asked where I was going. That's where I got a little nervous. Because the cop didn't know it but I had stuffed my bag of weed up the pony's ass when I saw him approaching. And knowing at the time how much cops like digging around in pony's asses I was scared this one might get curious and start digging around in my pony's butt. But this was my little pony and no one was allowed to stick their arm up this pony's butt except me.

But he just asked me where I was going and the conversation went a little like this;

“Where ya headed pardner?”

“My mother. You see my mother is very sick and she needs me with her now. Right now! Not like tomorrow or something but now. Shes' really sick and I need to be with her.”

“You's a mighty good son to be so concerned wit you mama. Wha's she sick with? She got rickets?”

“Rickets? Uh..... No sir. I don't even know what rickets is. She's come down with a nasty case of the cancer lately. And we's don't know how long she's gonna be able to hold out. See sir, she's got the cancer from working all them hours at the decibel factory. She's got the ear cancer.”

“Uhuh. I ain't never heard of that cancer. Well you tell her I ope she gets better real soon. And that an officer of the law said she had a good boy.”

“You don't understand sir. She can't hear nothin' that nobody says. The cancer got so bad that her ears just ring constantly. She just hears a constant ringin'.”

“Ringin. You mean like church bells?”

“Yes sir. Exactly like church bells. That's what she said. She said the ringin' sounds just like church bells she used to hear when she was a little girl.”

“Well now isn't that ironic. Some folks say they see the white light when they's on their way. But your momma hears church bells. She must be close to dyin' then.”

This guy was really a prick. First he steals my donut. Ruins my love for donuts by being all gross. And now he's insulting my mother.

So without saying another word I put my heels into the sides of Leonardo and we started to walk away.

But the pig was onto me.

“Where you going there boy? I ain't done with you yet.”

He was licking the last of the chocolate topping from his fingers. Licking the last of the chocolate from MY donut as he casually balanced his other hand on his gun.

“I suspect you got somethin' you wanna give me. Huh?”

“What you mean? You already got my donut. What more you want?

I didn't need to be taking this kind of attitude with the pig. But it was exactly what he was waiting for.

“Your donut? You didn't have no donut boy. That donut was mine the minute I bit into it. Get down from that animal and keep your hands where I can see 'em.”

I did as I was ordered. But it was a bit difficult given that it's next to impossible to get down from a horse or a pony without using your hands for balance.

“You wouldn't have anything on your person or your animal that I should know about? If you tell me now I might go easy on you. But if I find somethin' that you shoulda told me about I'm gonna have to be harder on ya.”

“No sir. I ain't got nothin'. I'm just tryin' to get to my momma. She's real sick you know.”

“I don't give a shit about your momma. Hands against the wall and spread your legs.”

He emptied out all of my pockets and padded me down. Everything he found went on the ground next to me. He found my toothpick collection and my empty bubble gum wrappers. My wallet, communicator and styrofoam lozenges. It all went on the ground at my feet.

“You got anything on this beast you wanna tell me about. I'm giving you a second chance to help me out. If I find somethin' and you didn't tell me I was gonna find somethin' you gonna be in a lot more trouble than if you tell me now.”

The image of the cop licking the donut chocolate off of his fingers came back to my mind. It was grimly satisfying to imagine this asshole licking pony shit from his fingers while holding a bag of weed. It would almost be worth it. I didn't see him with any gloves or other anal protection mechanism. Even if he didn't actually lick the pony shit from his fingers it would still be satisfying knowing that he got shit all over his fingers and that he would use those same fingers at some later date to eat something. Maybe a donut from other harmless guy who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yeah. I kinda wanted that pig to find the weed. I wanted him to have to go through the humiliating process of penetrating that pony's anal cavity just to get his arrest.

“Hey dumbass! I'm talkin' to you. Don't you space out on me!”

The kick brought me back to reality and removed the image of a cop covered in donkey shit from my mind. He had kicked me in the back of my leg and it made me fall forward and down a tad. But I was up again almost immediately.

“I'm gonna search your animal and if I find anything on it I'm gonna go extra hard on you. You've been warned!”

Leo was surprisingly relaxed as the cop felt under his saddle and around his mane. Folks had been known to hide contraband in the mouths and manes of their mounts. But as far as I knew no one had ever been so crazy to shove a sack up ones bum.

After thouroughly inspecting the outer areas of my pony the cop turned to me and shrugged.

“I still think you hidin' somethin' from me. But it looks like you're clean. Get on out of here! And don't let me catch you around here again unless you packin' Krispy Kremes.”

I guess that last bit was supposed to be some kind of joke. Because he opened his mouth to display his half yellowed teeth and gave out a chuckle. But I didn't need him to tell me twice. I got my stuff off the ground and quickly shoved it in my pockets. It wasn't until I straightened up from the ground that I noticed the bit of plastic poking out from Leo's ass. I tried not to look at it but I must've paused too long for smokey.

“Go on! Git! I ain't gonna tell you again. And stop lookin' at your pony like she's got two heads. I ain't harmed her.”

I got on Leo and slowly put my heels into her sides. As we pulled away I could only hope that Leo knew enough about the situation to hold it in. I prayed he was constipated. After we'd gone about 100 meters and were out of the range of the cop I pulled up behind a tree so he couldn't see us. Then I got off and went to get my sack of weed. The plastic had come out a good bit more but I still had to pull a little to dislodge it completely. I emptied the plastic bag into another one and threw the old one on the ground. Ain't no donut stealing cop busting me for weed today.

Hack the medium!