Interdependence
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple
identity” with your partner. You are moderately interdependent in a
relationship. This means that you desire a good degree of physical
and emotional connection with a partner. And you absolutely are
drawn to someone whom you can respect and even emulate to some
degree. In fact, it is quite common for a person in this score
range to consider how your romantic partner would reflect on your
family and friends. This all does not mean that you do not need
personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique
and different from others in some respects. However, people in this
range draw strength, comfort and a strong sense of identity from
their close relationships. Thus, when you feel close to someone
this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on
the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your
partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like
having your partner physically close and you desire showing off
your “couplehood” in public. Bottom line: you need someone who
likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but
who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you
two do not lose your identities as individuals.
Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with
your partner. You are very comfortable with being intimate and
vulnerable with a partner. However, your desire for emotional
closeness and security puts you at some risk for disclosing too
much, too soon when a relationship is newly developing. People like
you have big hearts and an impressive openness to your partner.
That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences
and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns
your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with
surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably feel very
uncomfortable – and even guilty – if there were any secrets between
you and your partner. Likewise, you regard your lover as your best
friend and your foremost confidant. There is typically no
hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with this
person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a
committed relationship. You are willing to act on the belief that
your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Therefore,
you are probably not deterred in taking the risks associated with
being vulnerable on all levels. Bottom line: you need someone who
believes and acts on the belief that the intimacy of a relationship
is sacred.
“Under what circumstances do you think it is okay for someone to
discuss details of his/her relationship with family or
friends?”
“What type of issues would you talk to your friends or family about
before sharing with your partner?”
“Do you think couples should have access to each other’s bank
accounts, email accounts, calendars and basically all personal
information?”
Self-efficacy
Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and
level of motivation. People like you are characterized by a strong
self-esteem, sense of self and sense of accomplishment. Those who
know you best would likely describe you as influential, patient and
accepting of others – and calm, cool and collected most of the
time. You are content with your personal qualities and feel you are
an attractive person. Moreover, you probably have a good sense of
control over the events in your life and are decisive in managing
your life. In this sense, you likely do not overreact to
circumstances as others might do. Rather, people in your scoring
range are quite adaptable and are able to maintain a balanced
perspective on situations. Additionally, you are also very
influential and persuasive with others. Therefore, it is expected
that family, friends and acquaintances often come to you for ideas
of guidance across a range of issues. You are confident that people
who are important in your life understand you, but you also tend to
be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social
pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their
expectations do not strongly influence your life. Instead, people
who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions
and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the
progress made toward achievements. Bottom line: you need a partner
who is energetic, enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you
and will support or even participate in your personal and
professional interests that feed your sense of identity and
accomplishment.
“To what extent do you need a job or hobbies that allow you to
express your energy and creativity?”
“Do you like solving the challenges that work and home life throw
at you? Why or Why not? “
“What are some of the best ways to turn around a ‘bad day’?”
Relationship readiness
Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally,
psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. You
seem to have a good foundation and appear pretty much ready and
willing to find a committed relationship. In fact, most people in
this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for
their life. They have the ability to connect with others, they have
well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are
assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you
likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after
what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is
also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative
baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal
problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you do not
seem to be seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your
life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was
weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or
disappointed you. Rather, it seems to be that you are striving for
a balance in your life and that now includes wanting to offer
everything you can to a partner. Bottom line: you need someone who
wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally
fulfilled.
“Tell me in what ways you are a happy and successful single”
“Are you truly happy with the way you have lived your life?
Explain”
Are there any ways in which you feel your life is not
balanced?”
Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions
and level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have
strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to have an excellent
level of emotional intelligence. It is expected that you show
considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You
have the capacity for being extremely sensitive to other’s feelings
and to their body language. Those who know you well would probably
describe you as patient and eager to listen to others. People in
this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to
mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to
others. In fact, they are keenly aware how their behavior impacts
others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when
someone engages you directly, but you may not always take the
initiative to be assertive with others. In this sense, it is likely
that you seek to understand others, rather than seek for others to
understand you. Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up
emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and
feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and
candidly.
“Do you ever feel afraid that once a romantic partner gets to know
you really well, that s/he will like who you really are or will
think less of you?”
“Do you find it difficult to trust a romantic partner completely?
Explain”
“Would you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about things in
the past of which you felt ashamed?”
Conflict resolution
Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem
solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general
elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper
Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the
Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn
from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’
or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial
Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all
of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial
Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and
action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find
resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements.
Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding
conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem
to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible
solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a
positive outcome for the relationship. Bottom line: you need
someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and
genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by
settling for quick, temporary agreements.
:
“Would you say that you have a hard time accepting that some
mysteries in life just can not be solved? Explain”
“Does it help you to solve problems by thinking of your own past
experiences and knowledge in new ways?”
“In your experience, does knowing too much about a problem hinder
or help you resolve it?”
Sexuality
Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions)
related to physical intimacy. Scientific models of love and
attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a
crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues
of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a
fairly good sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual
activities and comfort level. In fact, people in this range are
characterized sexually as liking the focus on themselves and
maintaining control. This does not mean that you are not concerned
with satisfying your partner; indeed you can be quite passionate.
It simply means that you probably put your own sexual needs first
more often than not. Those sexual needs are perhaps best described
as fairly conservative compared to most other people, yet you are
no prude. You are confident in your own sexual ability and are
likely open to try various activities as long as they sound
appealing to you. Therefore, you may be less inclined to new
experiences if they are only intended to please your partner. You
tend to be open when talking to your partner about your needs, and
you certainly tend not to be self conscious in the bedroom itself.
For people in this range, sex can be casual, but they strive for it
to be always fun and romantic. Bottom line: you need someone who
sees sex as romantic and fun and especially who will like to be
submissive to your sexual desires.
“Do you think you have a stronger sex drive than most
people?”
“Where do you think most of your ideas and values about sex
originated?”
“If you felt safe, do you think you would do almost anything to
please your partner sexually?”
Attitudes toward love
Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic
love and friendship love. There are two main types of love –
Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate,
emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep,
affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to
different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can
fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best
described as "a realist with a touch of hopeless romantic.” This
means that you do value Romantic Love, but for you a relationship
must have a strong dose of Companionate Love. Thus, people in this
scoring range typically believe that differences can be overcome
and lasting love can be sustained if the couple does the hard of
work of consistently showing mutual understanding and
accommodation. In this sense, it is likely that you believe soul
mates are made, not born. Bottom line: you need someone who
believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong
friendship.
“Do you believe that the best kind of love grows out of strong
friendship?”
“In your opinion, how can a couple overcome differences on issues
like religion, ethnicity, politics or social class?”
“When it comes to a romantic partner, how would define someone who
is unusually well adjusted?”
Preferred Expressions of Affection
Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and
dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and
devotion. There are many ways in which people show affection to
their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time
together, giving gifts or communicating love through words.
Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to the gift of
Time. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection and
show you are a priority by spending time with you – such as simply
talking and cuddling at home, taking leisurely strolls outside or
extended road trips.
“Have you ever taken off work early to spend some special with your
partner or a loved one?”
“Have past partners consistently complained that you would
frequently call to say you were running late for a date?”
“How much alone time during the week do you need with a partner to
feel satisfied?”
Out of the various modes of expressing affection, Gifts received
lower weighted ratings from you. Bottom line: This does not mean
that you neither like nor need Gifts. Rather, it suggests that you
need someone who can show affection in ways other than just giving
you tangible surprises – such as gifts s/he makes, souvenirs
purchased on business trips or expensive presents that commemorate
special occasions.
“Is it more like you to surprise a partner with single, extravagant
gifts or shower the person with little gifts or surprises here and
there?”
“Is it difficult for you to come up with personalized gift ideas
for loved ones?”
“Do you think giving gifts is really just an attempt to buy
someone’s affection?”
