My grandfather's father died when he was 16, thereby squashing his youthful dreams of becoming a master cheesemaker here in this grand state.  A child of the depression, he went to work supporting his mother, sister, and three younger brothers.  When WWII rolled around, he enlisted in the Army, and each of his younger brothers enlisted in each of the other branches of the military.  Greatgrandma Ida was left to manage the family farm, her daughter, and their war earnings.

So what did she do?

She sold off her very small share on the farm (they were share croppers) and bought a house.  The boys came home from war to share beds in an old house with no basement and wood and coal heat.  But it was good.  Granddad and Uncle Ralph dug out the basement by hand, poured the concrete mixed by hand, and set the mortar and bricks themselves.  Neither were masons.  Nothing was perfect.  But it was good anyway.

Next door was a house of similar build and age.  Split into two apartments, it housed my grandmother and her sisters upstairs.

Now, my grandfather married the girl next door.  Not because she was beautiful, or because he was madly in love with her, or because they completed one another.  They would have gagged at these notions.  Marriages based on those things do not last.

They married each other because they respected one another, they held mutual affection for one another, and they had similar goals.  They wanted a family.  They wanted to indulge in their gardening with someone else who liked it.  They wanted to do their own things, work their own jobs and lives, and have someone to come home to that they could count on as a friend and as a support.

My grandparents were married 38 years, until the day my grandfather died.  Until my mother, sister and I moved into her house with her to keep her comfortable in her declining years, grandma set out a fresh work shirt and pair of work pants every day for him.  The same way she had for 38 years of his life.

Love didn't come first.  Affection did.  The vows sealed it - and when they took those vows, they meant it with every fiber of their beings.  My grandmother loved my grandpa enough that after he was gone, she tried to carry on as if he was coming back.  The saddest thing is that when she left us, she didn't remember who he was to her, but she kept murmuring his name, all the same.

I want that.  My grandparents were not a perfect match.  They had their rough patches.  But they were strong enough together that those rough times were nothing to the good times.  I want that so much.

With breeders.  You know - those cows who only get pregnant for the 'glamour' of being pregnant and their own selfish love of being the center of attention.

I understand being pregnant is hard, but knifing your friends and co-workers in the back just because you are 'hormonal' is bullshit.  Take some gdamn responsibility for your own gdamn words and actions.  I don't care how effing hormonal you are.

Most women in the world use the excuse of hormones and cycling to make up for their bad behavior, and it pisses me off to no end because I don't.  I'll fully cop to being the antichrist, and there is no excuse reasonable enough.  I'm not going to blame it on something women have been doing biologically for millenia. 

Why is it acceptable, in this day and age, for women to claim that they have more issues than women did a thousand years ago?  I mean, really, you don't.  You haven't got jack on the women of history, you whiney bitches.  If you feel lousy, get some extra sleep, take yer effing vitamins, and drink some water.  Don't sit there like vultures and go after the first meat you see, you effing harpies.

What backs this rant, peeps, is that my best friend at my last job jacked me over for 600$ because she and her stolen lover got pregnant.  And then she started gossiping about me, behind my back, at work, and prevented me from obtaining not one, but TWO promotions.  And now, at my new job, the pregnant SOB that I'm going to be covering during her maternity leave, is lecturing me because I told a joke that she didn't find funny - calling me the most offensive human being on the face of the planet and telling me that if the world is not perfect when she gets back, she'll have me fired.

I'm sorry, but if pregnancy means I have to lose my sense of humor, I'll cut my uterus out with a rusty razor blade and pour salt and lemon juice on the wounds.  I am that disenchanted with the whole of it.

What the hell.

grrrrrrrrr.....

I so....sososososo...  Need to get out and do something.

I've dated a coupla times in the last coupla weeks...  Haven't done anything special.....  But I just need to get out.

Life is great, love it, am doing fine at work....

But I feel so damned restless.

Am also thinking about recreation groups, SCA or Amtgard.  Want to join one..... not sure which.  I like the fantasy element of Amtgard, but also love the accuracy of SCA.  Don't like the distance I'll have to go for Amtgard or the parental-Nazi like tendancies of SCA.  Big debate.

I'm not uber religious or pious. Most might call me an atheistic anti-christ. My religion is Other and Laughing for a reason... I believe in something, I'm not quite sure what it is, and I don't let it rule my life.

That being said, I have a distinct, and strict, dating moral code - one that was gained in pain and has caused me pain, but keeps the world safe. It began developing in my late teens and earlier twenties, and it is now such that I have it down to a science.

I will not break up a relationship, even a non-permanent one. I give it, cardinal rule, 6 months. If they're still together after six months, I give up waiting to see how things turn out and move on, because after 6 months, the relationship ain't going to spontaneously combust, and after 6 months, I become a rebound. I'm not doing that. Prime example - a guy who works in my building is hot shit. He's been dating his girlfriend for 6ish months. Normally, a woman would still be drooling over this guy, and I'll admit, I can't control the blush when I'm around him. But he's so offlimits, I'm not going there. Much as I'd love to, it would be wrong.

A friend's significant other is offlimits for life. Doesn't matter if it was one date for them or a divorce. I value my friends and I can get men on my own, thanks. A friend had offered her SO for my class reunion coming up this spring/summer. I turned it down flat - even the idea of just appearing as his date/SO/something turns my stomach.

Seperated men are still married men. I don't mind divorcees with kids attached and an ex wife who wants to see me hung by my toenails. I can handle that stuff amazingly well. But men who are seperated are not leagally divorced and are still married. I don't do that stuff. I did when I was young and stupid. Once. I was sick, literally and figuratively, for a month afterwards.

I'm also loyal to a fault. When I am with someone, no other man on the face of the planet will turn my head. It doesn't matter how attractive my SO is or isn't, nor does it matter who it is walking by. If I'm on a date with my SO and Gerard Butler walks up, drops to a knee at my feet and offers me anything, I'm turning him down. Sorry Gerard. The guy across the table is my priority, and he's not getting the boot unless its warranted.

This is probably what gets me into trouble. While I'm fairly casual in every other aspect of dating (who needs to get married these days, anyway?), I live by these rules to the max. It's taken the pool of available men from maybe 1 in a thousand down to 1 in a million. It's hard, hurtful to my own needs and wants, and leaves me feeling hopeless sometimes, but at least I can hold the moral high ground over some of the people I know - I know I'm a better person for it.

So, if you see me wooing you, or adding you as a "friend" or "saved profile", know that you'd be getting high quality product, and that with it comes a loyalty and honesty guarantee. There is not much more out there that really counts more than those two things.

Went to Denny's last night with a bunch of friends.....and realized I was the only one at the table who'd never been married and was gloriously happy about the fact that I'd never been married given the atrocities they were divulging.... I have really bad taste. In multiple aspects of my life. From decor, to my car, to, most likely, my chosen religion, I have really bad taste....

The only day in the last 15 years that I haven't worn some article of clothing or accessory that was black was on my mother's 58th birthday. A year and a half ago.

I would love to regear my Nano Novel for Sess/Kags Inuyasha Fanfiction......but....it was something I wanted to actually sell. Maybe I should do it anyway. Let the fandom faint when I do sell it and they try to sue me for plagarising my own work.....muahahahahahaha.

And I swear to freaking gawd......I saw <<frickenaye>> at Denny's last night. He didn't notice I exist, but that's ok. I was weirded out enough.

Two things right now are borderline sacrosanct to me: My worklife and my family. They are the things that I hesitate to talk about here because I always fear I'm going to lose one and piss off the other. But, I'm braving out my phobia now and putting pen to paper so people can get an idea of what makes me tick.

I work a job that is very very hard - tear jerkingly hard because of the people whom I deal with daily. Its mind warpingly not fun. I'm a temp at this thing, thank god, but working for a hotline where the uninformed have free rein is enough to turn me off to phones permanently. Its high stress, and my only relief right now is getting to work really late shifts on occasion. So my schedule is a little hectic given the randomness of my work. I do love being able to help people, but I'd still rather be tracking packages. So I'll be looking for work in that sector soon. I believe in your job speaking as to who you are, and this is not what I want speaking for me.

Family. I live with two members of my family, and we're close. Much closer than we were five years ago when this started. I have an extended sense of family - my cousins (and that term defines first cousins, second cousins, even thirds and fourths, no matter how removed) are as close to me as siblings. Aunts and uncle helped raise me, and great aunts and uncles were likened to grandparents when still around. We used to war with one another, many years ago, but have since all mended fences and we're a much more cohesive group. I'm expected, if I ever start dating, to bring said date around to one particular set of cousins, namely because one of them is the closest thing I've got to a dad and he wants to be able to meet my SO. All this being said, I do have small beefs with things the way they are at home, but they are small. Its mostly related to my roomies.

So now, you've got an idea of who I am.

Why I'm only on 20 something questions for matching.

Well.....I was going through and reevalling how I answered questions. I recommend it for everyone. You want to keep your answers honest and current, and doing a once a week review is a great way to do it.

The thing is, I use firefox to manage my internet browsing (yay firefox) and I realized, as I was opening new tabs for every question to reanswer, I had 20 or thirty new tabs.

This is not a healthy sign.

Its a sign of someone whose values have changed a bit, and whose views on things have changed.

Plus, I think 700 questions, to try to review and do the smart thing with, is much. My screen was hemorrhaging.

So I dumped all my answers and have started fresh. I don't think I'll ever have so much in my queue again. Least ways, not until it will be worth anything.

I'm doing goal setting for this year, and have hit on a big one - moving to Madison. I've been putting off the idea for a coupla years, mostly because I thought I might be abandoning my family unreasonably in doing so. But truly, I need it.

Being this close to my family is going to kill me, one way or another. I love them, but they drive me nuts. So its time.

I'm good at keeping jobs now, and am working towards a decent career on two sides. I'm getting better organized, and am keeping my commitments better than ever. And I need to run my dog my way. So things are going to change this year in a big way.

I'm trying to find a small place in an efficiency or studio style, with a private bath. It gives me incentive to get rid of more stuff and focus on what really matters, rather than trying to keep up a huge apartment that I don't need. Tough part of this is that I own a large dog - but he does well with small places.

So I've got a challenge for 2008 - and its a doozy.

My second hand laser printer works like a charm for my draft work of my novel. And it prints directly from my AlphaSmart too, beautifully for something I paid nothing for. I squeeed for two days straight over this thing.

From there, to celebrate the demise of the Badgers with comfort food, I made puppy chow. Chocolate, peanut butter, crunchy cereal, and powdered sugar. Seriously, good stuff. I screwed up the recipe, but otherwise, it turned out great. It just goes to prove that there is no such thing as bad puppy chow.

Holidays were lovely. Aunt gave me a calligraphy set that would turn most green. All because I did an informal handed card many years ago for a Christmas, and she wanted to see more of it. I am totally blown away. Also got much crafting stuff from other aunt. I'm happy with that as well. Xmas + Birthday means lots of nice stuff once a year.

All things said, its the small things that make me happy.

My views on feminism in general have been changing a lot. I'm not the "men are evil" type I used to be, forcing my definitions down the throats of anyone unlucky enough to trip my triggers.

I've mellowed out a lot with age.

But I still consider myself a feminist. Just of a different variety.

There is nothing wrong in fighting for fair pay for same work done. I'm still very much a proponent of that. I just think that screaming 'sexual discrimination' at your boss because you found out the guy who started the same day you did and does less work in the next cube is making 50 cents more an hour than you do is a little much. Now, calling the ACLU and having them investigate, without drawing unnecessary attention to yourself - that's more my style.

Abortions for rape and incest victims should be a given choice for any woman, regardless of what any man says. Abortion in the cases where it is frivolous or carelessness....Good lord, ladies, take control of your health and do the right thing. Adoption is an option.

Standing for equal rights is what every woman should do. I just don't support the extremist views I read about being used by certain organizations and women. Being a screamingly raw and easily offended version of woman does no one any good. Being savvy and smart will get you farther.

This being said, I still eat what I like, swear like a sailor when the mood strikes me (and is justifiable), am wishywashy on where I stand religiously thanks to Lutheran Doctrine regarding 'woman, be stupid', and will never submit to anyone telling me I can't do something any man can do. If I knew what I was doing, I'd play full contact football and hockey - because I love the games. Nothing on earth can stop me when I set my mind on something. Here's to hoping someone out there likes that about me.