I struggle every day to live a life of honesty and grace. And you know what, that ain't all bad.

I've been really ill. I'm better now, but if I haven't been around, that's probably why. And if in my fever-induced delerium I proposed marriage to you, remind me who you are and take a number *smile*.

I am intelligent, passionate, polyamorous and Dominant. I am married (in "poly" speak, that would be my committed primary relationship) and My wife knows and approves of my other relationships. Why am I here? I'm looking for friendship, sparring partners, wild-assed crushes and thinking folks.

My awesome friend Oiselette said to me the other day "you are one of the most alive people I know". That was just about the nicest thing anyone has said about me.

I am truly blessed. I rarely hear that phrase save from religious fundamentalists. Yet I often say it about myself, and with a secret smile, as I'm very much not a Christian, not a fundie of any sort, and in my blessings I count very many heretical, perhaps even demonic, people and things.

Oh, yah. Why don't I post a picture? I am fairly well known in my professional and social circles, and I reveal my personal life only to those I choose to. If you and I have a mutual interest, photographs will follow. Consider that I am as careful and discreet with the details of YOUR life as I am with mine.

I am focusing on the people who count. My family. My friends. I'm not seeking anything more from anyone. I chased that dream for over a year, and it left me pretty well broken. Right now, I'm breathing deeply and slowly, loving what's mine, and enjoying.
___________

HOUSE UPDATE:

We have bought an amazing house. Woods and water, privacy, room to play. Possibly the finest kitchen I've ever seen outside of a top-drawer resturant (NO, really -- this kitchen is world class). We are planning on sleep-overs, parties, dungeon play (yes, I can build a real playspace), card games, TV parties...the works. The kitchen was designed to let a whole bunch of friends cook together, so if you are REALLY nice, my wonderful wife and I might let you come cook with us in it *GRIN*

**UPDATE** Last night we sat on the deck in the late August evening cool with our computers and some drinks. As it got darker, the lake actually began to glow. I think I might be living in a sort of heaven right here in Northern Illinois. Happy Anniversary baby --- here's to the NEXT 30 years together!

Wildlife Inventory:

Canada Geese by the 100s on the lake
Swans (3)
Herons (4, including one big male who likes to hang by our deck)
Fox (1 elusive but clearly present)
Raccoons (dozens)
Deer (5-6)
Coyote (1, and yes, he's wily)
Beavers! (just made a nest and are chewing up the trees on the OTHER SIDE of the lake. Humane traps have been set, apparently)

Managing people, spanking certain other people (there is NO overlap between those I manage and those I 'manage', thank you!), teaching, practicing law, sexy role play (with certain other people), shooting, driving, parenting.

I can tell a syrah from a cabernet, a double maduro from a colorado, a 20 gauge from a 12, and a hawk from a handsaw.

I'm a competitive shotgunner -- my best game is Sporting Clays but I can hold my own at 5-stand and some of the other variations. I'm pretty good at skeet (although I'm lazy, and I admit I cheat myself on the short shots), and if I had the patience and the proper gun, I'd be better at trap.

I'm a good writer. I've published technical articles, erotica (and won some awards) and poetry. One of my life goals is to write a really good poem, though it takes me a LONG time to finish a poem. I can whip off saleable, award-winning articles on a variety of topics like a banshee, but poems are work. And a good poem makes me stop and think. A great poem leaves me breathless and giddy. Send me your favorite poem! I have tremendous respect for poets.

My size, I'd guess (I'm a big man). My smile. The pretty woman (or women) (or man) I have on my arm.

This gets long, and it changes, so it is probably out of date as you read it. And I've shortened it a lot. Still:

Books: I probably read 2-3 books a week. Some new, never to be read again, some old favorites. I love poetry, murder mysteries, creative nonfiction. Recent reads and re-reads: Thomas Perry remains one of the best, and the funniest, mystery/thriller writers around. Just finished "Death Benefits", which I'd never read before. Probably will indulge my self with his absolute best again: Metzger's Dog.

The last non fiction book I read was "Columbine". Scared the bejesus out of me.

Poets: James Dickey. I'll argue he was the finest American poet of the mid-late 20th C. But I have a personal stake. Still, no one writes better about being a man (Robert Lowell, move out!)

Elizabeth Bishop. That's all you need to say.

Ted Hughes, Philip Levine, Theodore Roethke, Tom Lynch,
There are so many poems and poets I love. I'll trade poems, talk poems, whisper poems all day if you want.

Other books: Deliverance (Yah, Jim Dickey again. If you like Dickey PLEASE talk to me), Poems to Read out Loud, The Last Juror (Grisham's best book, and say what you will about the guy he can WRITE when he tries). Better by Atul Gawande. Actually anything by Gawande.

Movies: That's easy. The Magnificent Seven. Best movie ever made.

"What line of work are you fellas in? We deal in lead, sir"

TV: Getting hooked on series, now that the Roku is installed. Glee is a lot of fun. Wife and daughter are reliving the West Wing, so I tag along, somewhat. Dexter is amazing. And always the L&O:SVU and CSI. Usually the day finishes with Stewart and Colbert, although truth be told I'd rather listen and be online chatting than watching. I have no idea why I like Family Guy -- its rude, boorish and hysterically funny. And Alex Boorstein's voice turns me on. AND I identify with big, dumb guys with hot wives *GRIN*

Music: Eclectic, open to any good quality, authentic, music. After the recent trip to Nashville, I'm back on "Outlaw Country" on the XM radio. And Willie's Place. Although after about an hour even I can't stand the 'Twang' factor.

HEY, did ya ever notice how popular music reinforces and defines stereotypical relationship models? I'm talking about not being able to listen to the Country & Western repetoire for more than 10 minutes without hearing a song that reinforces "I can/should/do only love one person" "now that he/she left me I'm worthless without him/her" and/or "your cheatin' heart, will tell on you". What we need is George Jones singing 'I left my heart on the dance floor, darlin', when my primary two-stepped over to you."

My daughter has me hooked on the "Coffee House" channel on XM Radio. I know...its acoustic, tragically hip, girlie voices, and every damn song seems to be about a relationship I'm in, or ending, or beginning. But in fact the music is pretty soothing. But after an hour...Its back to Classic Rewind or -- my favorite -- OUTLAW COUNTRY!

Food: Southern food. mmmmmmmm. Southern style (I could be in real trouble living in Nashville or Memphis). Fine wines, fine liquors, but also I adore a simple country picnic shared in the sun with my beloved.

My wife and daughter gave me the makings of sazeracs for Father's Day. Herbsaint, Peychaud's Bitters and a really fine premium rye. I have an awesome family!

And I'm smoking some great cigars, with the women I adore. What could be better?

1. My wife. My soulmate, partner in crime, foil and guide. I love her so much it makes my head explode. (NB: that's "head explode" in a GOOD way.)

2. My daughter. There is nothing more gratifying than to have raised someone that you really like to be with as an adult. She's honest, sassy, clever and silly, and I'm so proud of her.

3. My friends. Some are people I'm involved with physically. Some are folks with whom I share deep emotional committments. Some are both. People who care about me, and who I care about. Who are sometimes sexy, sometimes smart and always there for me. I only hope they know how much I love and respect them and that they feel the same way about me.

4. My honor. A sense of place and privilege in this crazy world that keeps me on an even keel, and keeps me anchored.

5. Power-exchange. It is part of who I am. Its a kink, yes, but much more. I need it on a regular basis to keep happy, balanced and whole.

6. My home. I know, we shouldn't be tied to possessions. I know I get boring talking about this wonderful house. But...DAMN...I'm one lucky SOB. Come by some evening this winter. We'll have a soak in the hot tub and watch the snow fall on the lake. The deer come right up to the house begging for scraps, I'm told. Then we'll have a glass of eiswein by the fire. See if you don't agree?

How we really could improve health care in the USA. We make mistakes. Costly, foolish and dangerous mistakes. Why? I am fascinated with improving iterative processes in medicine (see Atul Gawande, above). For instance, why can't we do surgery on the correct eye, when we can change a deck of cards at a casino without error?

I'm also thinking a lot these days about the death of American professionalism. I've watched medicine become a field of technocrats, paper blizzards and financial health management. I've watched accountancy sell its soul to the highest foreign bidder and now law is doing much the same. I've watched lawyers become nothing more than hourly piece workers who have given up intellectual autonomy in the chase for the next piece of hourly business. I don't know if I'm going to write about it, but I see the death of professionalism as a bad thing.

What else do I think about a lot?

Wild transgressive sex.
Wild transgressive teaching.
Making really good tea.
Applying legal ethics rules to real life.
Cigars. (Bill Cosby: Cigars is vegetables, you know?)
Are we REALLY going to see meaningful American health care reform? (HOUSE PASSED the Dem. Bill 11-07-09! Could this be it?)
Getting back to my best shooting form.
Making lots of money and giving away lots of money.

ready to relax for the weekend. Sometimes a quiet drink with my wife, a good cigar, and a chat to catch up on the week. Sometimes a party. Sometimes a fine dinner. Sometimes a visit to a local dungeon club. Sometimes I'm just fooling around on the computer.

I'm better now.

If you knew me during the past several months, I might owe you an apology for the recent past, when I wasn't better. I had this relationship with a young woman. It ends. Then it doesn't end. Then it ends again, and the sudden ending leaves me at sea. But now its over. I keep saying that. Like I need to convince myself? Except that now I know its over, and actually I feel ok about that. I'm slowly healing.

"And we found out that the two things we put together had a
Bad tendency to explode."

If you got through all the above, or

Did anything written above strike a chord, make you tingle or make you think "mmmmm...I'd like to write to this man?" If so...Do it! or

If you have a poem you love that you want to share with me, or

If you are any or all of the following: Curious about B/D/S/M, polyamory life or finding your place in this world. If you are (any or all of): interested in health care policy, polyamorous, smart, a good shotgunner, want to be a good shotgunner, in need of a chicago-area drinking buddy, submissive or if you like to chat, or

Hell. Just if you want to chat. that might be enough.