(Remain calm: The length is really going to freak you out. It's big. Really big. However, from this point on you should mostly focus on these annotations. This is otherwise a daunting wall of text contains enough notes to get you to the bottom. You were lured in with my scandalous photo but instead treated to an adventure. This is the part where I try to prove to you that I'm better than all of the other guys on Okcupid and I will win that challenge. Seriously. I might even make a husband out of you if you're lucky. That is if you can make it to the bottom. It's going to be a lot of fun, though. Trust me.)
That is the only part you should cringe at. It's not that bad really. You'll be fine. Grab a drink and start scrolling.)
I say this with all love, but Okcupid just seems like an endless pit of awful men, doesn't it? After over 9 years of answering questions I really couldn't give a flying Dalek about our match percentage, your photos, or my stats. They're almost always fabricated, anyway.
Every guy is fair game in my book, regardless of what you write in your profile. I'm almost certain if you message me - you'll like me. Give it a shot because trust me: every other guy on here certainly does. If you're cool enough we're going to be best friends after this is over but you're still going to have to try.
(See? It wasn't so bad. Just being truthful. It just means I'm trying to see past all the superficial things in life. It's just internet dating. It doesn't need to be a sea of mindless stat exchanges and unlocked private photos. This isn't Grindr.)
I'm super fun, I come with almost no baggage, I don't take life seriously at all, and I'm awesome to hang out with. I'll talk your ear off all night about life, the universe, and everything. I'm a totally socially-adjusted, hardcore, mega-nerd.
I'm also emotionally complex yet simple in function. I am actually quite amazing.
I don't take internet photography seriously in any way. I stopped giving a bung about that forever ago when "selfie" became a word. Laugh at my photos and message me for reasons other than you want to bang on my hot body. Just make your mothers proud, boys.
I'm a jovial, fun loving, hot, crafty, bastard who looks even better in person.
Oh, and I find it absolutely charming when guys are terrible at flirting.
(Also apparently I love taking selfies. Weird, huh?)