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29 • Brighton, MI • Man
I’m looking for
- Ages 21–36
- Located anywhere
- Who are single
- For new friends, short-term dating
- Last online
- Yesterday – 5:11pm
- 5′ 9″ (1.75m)
- Body type
- Strictly vegetarian
- When drinking
- Other, but not too serious about it
- Cancer, and it’s fun to think about
- Graduated from space camp
- Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
- Has cats
- English (Fluently), Spanish (Okay)
Also I may have just lied to you before I even had a chance to meet you.
I'm definitely not made of puppies and rainbows. I'm just a messed up, pre-millennial, old dude. I play video games, I sing really far off-key when I'm alone, and I'm a dirty no good downtown skank. You can probably take me home to your momma, but probably not your daddy.
Shit, you can probably take me home to your daddy, too. Depends on his taste in men.
I'm frightfully bad with small children. Frightfully fucking bad. I become inconsolably frustrated and immediately begin fidgeting and ripping paper into dozens of tiny pieces. I bloat up, break into hives, and start sobbing like a housewife having an Oxy withdrawal. I'll pick them up, put them back down, and then light a cigarette.
I don't smoke often so I wish that dating websites had a smoking preference for "Smokes with children." That would be very fucking helpful to pigeon-hole my addiction.
Or potentially criminal.
"Smokes: children" sounds much better. Doesn't it?
I'm not an open book, I hate cuddling, I'm probably bad at kissing, and if you tell everyone what BM DP JK ENT you are I close the window, delete your messages, and cry. I do not understand these either *lights a cigarette* there are just so many goddamn letters. What is this, the new age Zodiac?
I wish people wore tee-shirts with all their issues listed on them. You could just cut the bullshit and circle the deal breakers on each other with a colored sharpie. Yellow for a moderate issue, red for total deal breaker, and a fancy glitter pen for 'things that are kinky'.
Mine would always look like a Lisa Frank nightmare.
You know you're into that. I also stole that idea. I may have very very stole that idea. I plagiarized the shit out of it. I hope I get busted. You know who you are.
Attempting the brave journey of life, while looking for a companion.
So... More cats.
Like a Kesha level of cat addiction.
Message me if you're Kesha.
Cats (we know this is not a lie)
Old, Old, fucking Video Games
Cookin' fake meat
Marketin' garbage technology
Being a bitter old hag.
I'm really good at hiding. Like scary fucking good. So good I'm on YouTube leaping out of a box. This has come in very handy in my long and terrible life. You'd know what I was talking about if you've ever had the misfortune of meeting anyone from an online dating site before. No babies I'm not talking about Grindr and Scruff (although hey all daddies and bears I'm probably on Growlr. Give me money!) I'm talking about old fashioned, sexless, dating. You know where you meet in public for dinner and not just in my garage before work? Who the hell am I kidding, guys from Grindr don't use Okcupid. It involves effort.
Message me if you just fucking HATE effort. God effort is so damn tiring.
This place is an embarrassing shitshow of social degenerates.
*shakes a baby, hides in a box*
I'm really good at having sex in a dumpster and I do this one thing with a hamburger bun you've gotta see.
I stole that too. When you steal something so well you're just quoting it. When someone pays you for it, its called ECONOMIC SAVVY. I'm very not economically savvy because I have NO MONEY.
*nods slowly* See? We have an understanding.
*lights a baby* I have NO. MUH-NEE.
K let's talk about something else.
Okay, Chevy Cobalt. I'm very poor. Very.
I wear pants. I have a face. I smell great.
I am aging gracefully, and very pleased to finally be 30.
I say 'What." a lot.
I mean like a lot a lot.
I'm really sorry that list of things doesn't include words like "is a brain surgeon" or "has a GIANT PENIS" but that's okay because I'm good at first aid and my penis is... Well I'm REALLY GOOD AT FIRST AID.
Plus despite earlier claims to the contrary, I might be good at mouth-to-mouth. There's that one guy who will read that as "ass-to-mouth" because... Well... Freud... but don't worry because if you're a doctor with a big penis, I'm into that too. If you're not...
We can negotiate a trade agreement.
*mouths slowly* I'll do ANYTHING FOR MUHNEE. *nods slowly and smiles*
Movie: Jurassic Park, Star Trek (like, all of them), Lilo and Stitch, The Fifth Element, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. The 90's were rad and you kids with your vampire movies tire me.
TV: Re-runs of Futurama, Helix, Haven, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, New Girl, Parks and Rec, Archer, Its Always Sunny, Orphan Black, Glee, American Dad, Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, Game of Thrones, Master Chef.
Video Game: Juarassic Park, Nintendo fan boy stuff, Suikoden, Chrono Trigger, Earthbound, Zelda, Secret of Mana, Mega Man, Castlevania, Donkey Kong; games when consoles were measured in bits and pixels. Polygons scare me and also... Pokemon. Pokemon doesn't scare me, I just really like finding Mew.
Food: I'm a part-time Vegan, full time Vegetarian (10 or so years). Veggiesaurus at heart, but I'm cool with carnivores. My ideal match is definitely someone who likes to eat dirt and berries. If that's you hit the message button like nowish. Now nowish.
I've already said too fucking much.
Don't bore me to death claiming you're SUPER into politics and world issues. I don't want to listen to NPR and masturbate to liberal vs conservative rhetoric. Thanks, we all know you sit at home at night and drink tea and are painfully boring. Painfully. You can think about what's wrong with the world and listen to other peoples opinions on it or you can step outside and do something fucking meaningful and make a change.
I think about how much I dislike stepping outside.
Oh and I hate change. I really really hate fucking change. Like shit on the floor level of change hate. I also suffer from debilitating narcolepsy and anxiety.
If you ask me about how real and truthful my profile actually is (because you're a fucking moron) that's the part you'll want to believe.
Because I think about how awful my miserable smegma coated life is because of those things.
But the baby bit earlier was great, yeah?
Hanging out in my subterranean tree house. Yep. It's a real life fucking thing.
I'm competing with the town drunk for his title. I'm a mess. Like a MESS MESS.
Picking gum and cigarette butts out of my hair.
Sneaking into people's bedrooms and rifling around through their shit. I know you're hiding fucking treasure from me. God I hope its old candy.
I often forget to smile in photos. It's nothing personal.
My spirit animal is Cheryl Tunt.
I legit have a secret you will not believe.
You wanna party? Its $500 for kissing, $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.
Are we clear? Great.
Because I'm stealing material again.
You're a bear. A big hairy bear. Fuck yeah, bears.
Or... Just a flying blue bear. Like Moosh. Only... real...
You're a Moogle, Tenda, Goomba, or Mr. Saturn. See a pattern?
You saw my ad about the Top Quality Exercycle.
You need to go to a High School Reunion. I'll tell everyone you invented Post-Its.
Looking for friends or friends+?
You want to eat so much fucking pizza.
You want to pump me full of gasoline and just really start my engine.
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