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29 Brighton, MI Man


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I’m looking for

  • Men
  • Ages 26–36
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Online now!
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body type
Strictly vegetarian
When drinking
Other, but not too serious about it
Cancer, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from space camp
More than $1,000,000
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Has cats
English (Fluently), Spanish (Okay)
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
How would I describe myself? Huh. That's a pretty intense question. How to articulate who one is, in a way that attracts a mate?

Shit. *pulls up a chair* Hope you kids got time for this.

I'm a train wreck. Amtrack has an insurance policy on me I'm such a rail hopping mess. I'm terrified of monsters, I live in a constant state of narcolepsy and anxiety, and I panic smoke when I see small children.

I spend the vast majority of my life on Twitter. My life goal was to be followed online by all of the hairest, burliest, nerds I could find. Turns out, I'm popular on the internet, but as long as nobody has to actually meet me. Yup. I smell like Taco Bell and I sweat a lot. You'd think otherwise that I'd be clean and well groomed by all the adorable cat selfies I take, but you'd be wrong because the internet does not yet have smell-o-vision.

Wait, was I supposed to be saying positive... Fuck it. Check out my Instgram sometime, kids; that's what "The Struggle is Real" looks like. Someday you too will find yourself pre-30 and trolling internet dating websites for love. You too will dream of someday hoping to have what that one lucky-fucking-friend of yours found and wants EVERYONE to know how great it is like all the damn time. Don't worry, it isn't that great and your friend is a total showoff idiot. Hey, shopping at 3am alone is tons of fun though, right? Oh, you're already here, so you get it! Pull that cart up girl, this cat food I'm holding is heavy.

*whispers: Let's get pitty married and I promise to still love you even when you're old and fat and yelling at the teenage girl in the grocery store checkout about coupons. I swear by my thin hair and flat ass to be old and gross with you forever.*

*nods slowly, while you back away quickly*
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
This, mostly:

Attempting the brave journey of life, while looking for a companion. So... More cats.

I want to be the world's fattest cat-man on that show 'Hoarders'. I'll be swimming in a sea of screaming angry cats and empty Coke bottles. Don't believe me? *chuckles* Just you wait, internet. I have a fork lift and an industrial sized shipping container already prepaid for when I die.

Because Life Goals.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
In no particular order:

Cats. Very cats.
Retro video games.
Cookin' fake meat all day.
Marketin' garbage technology for shit companies.
Grapic Design, or at least stealing other people's.
Being a bitter, bitter, old hag.
Overcoming Shyness, by playing Earthbound and naming my favorite thing PSI Fart Rain. You should see the shit I did in Animal Crossing. Phew, girl they got psychologists looking at the garbage that I do.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I squint a lot, and my smile reveals a life of frowning and alcohol abuse. Also I have a dad body with a mom personality. Isn't that gross?

Oh, hey, on a positive note I can cross one eye, but one of them is an indignant asshole that doesn't want to move. Makes for a great party gag.

People usually notice me about that moment they smash a shopping cart into me, and then look up. I get that moment of shock when they ask themselves: "Shit that's not a special needs kid is it?"

I usually respond with "I LIKE GRAPES" and shuffle away limping so they don't feel bad about it, crossing one eye and asking people if they have pickles.

I'm really bad at social interactions.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Book: Jurassic Park, Tolkein, Crichton, Stephen King, Douglas Adams. I read Fight Club once and realized it was poorly written ego-inflated bullshit. I hated it because it read like something I would write. Go figure.

Movie: Jurassic Park, Star Trek (like, all of them), Lilo and Stitch, Miyazaki or just Howl's Moving Castle (Girl I feel you on them mobile homes), The Fifth Element, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. The 90's were rad and you kids with your vampire movies tire me.

TV: Re-runs of Futurama, Helix, Haven, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, New Girl, Parks and Rec, Archer, Its Always Sunny, Orphan Black, Glee, American Dad, Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, Game of Thrones, Master Chef.

Video Game: Juarassic Park, Nintendo fan boy stuff, Suikoden, Chrono Trigger, Earthbound, Zelda, Secret of Mana, Mega Man, Castlevania, Donkey Kong; games when consoles were measured in bits and pixels. Polygons scare me and also... Pokemon. Pokemon doesn't scare me, I just really like finding Mew.

Food: I'm a part-time Vegan, full time Vegetarian for about 10 years. Yeah. I'm *that* fucking guy.

Veggiesaurus at heart, but I'm cool with carnivores. My ideal match is definitely someone who likes to eat dirt and berries. If that's you hit the message button like nowish.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Machines, space ships, hair, caffeine, music, love.

Easy peasy.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Escape routes, emergency exits, and pineapple juice.

I think about all the guys in the world that upset me. The two kinds of men I hate are as follows: guys who sit at home and listen to NPR because for fucks sake stop pretending to be intellectual. You're looking for a man on a website. You ain't got class. Don't tell me you sit at home and don't watch TV because you're better than me. You got some place better to be? Sit you're ass down, drink some High Fructose Corn Syrup, and watch Reno 911 with me you turd. I grew up in the most dangerous place in the US with the least amount of money. Child, you don't know nothin' about nothin' until you gotta buy food with that punk ass pink Bridge Card. EVERYBODY know you be poor. Swipe your EBT it is free. Thanks Obama.

Oh, yeah, and the other are vapid stupid white boys. Listen, guys, I play a lot of video games and have ass pimples. I love making a ruckus and shitting in the street when drunk. I once picked up two prostitutes and drove them home in a snow storm because IDGAF. You wouldn't even slow down and you know it. Do not message me unless you are bringing something to the table. I'd rather go out with the NPR nerd and sit through the stilted conversations about how organic sustainable farming, and shopping at Whole Foods, is good for the environment (it isn't but you don't know that because you watch Lost Girl and love Joss Whedon). Yeah, I know your type.

I swear to God almighty if I have one more of you zombie loving, pug adoring, singer/songwriter worshipping, gay drones send me a "Hey how are you" message I will vomit blood at your doorstep and shit on your dog.

I'm not better than you, I'm just smarter and good with a shank. You decide how that stacks in your favor, buddy.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Drinking, smoking, and pretending to be better than everyone else because I'm an American Homosexual and that's my god damn job. Judge me. Do it.

I'm competing with the town drunk for his title. I'll get that bastard. That dirty no good fucker has me by the balls when it comes to public shame.

Picking gum and cigarette butts out of my hair.

Sneaking into people's bedrooms and rifling around through their shit. I know you're hiding fucking treasure from me. God I hope its old candy. I fucking love dresser candy.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My spirit animal is Cheryl Tunt scissoring Pam Poovey.

I will do the dirtiest fucking shit for money, but no one in their right fucking mind would pay me.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You like something more interesting and less emotionally stable then the next profile you look at. Go ahead, look at that guy, then come back here, and tell me you don't think I'd be more fun. I won't make you go to the gym and I'll feed you carrrrrrrbs. Come on, you know you want em.

You're a bear. A big hairy bear. Fuck yeah, bears.

You're a Moogle, Tenda, Goomba, or Mr. Saturn. Or you just like video games and social degenerates.

You saw my ad about the Top Quality Exercycle for sale.

You need to go to a High School Reunion. I'll tell everyone you invented Post-Its.

You want to eat so much fucking pizza.

You want to pump me full of gasoline and just really start my engine.

Your first message to me had better start with "Why do you" or I'll Google search your screen name and tell your mother on Facebook she raised an idiot. Try me.