Really though? I get that they're trying to get more and more messages between users, but honestly, so far not a single person who has used the feature to contact me has actually "talked" about whatever the icebreaker word was. One said... "But who doesn't love sushi?". I've been with okcupid since before they became a social network/dating site, and I've been watching them grow all of this time, some ways good, some bad. This though, really? Why?

I don't think I ask for much, just give me some decent dialog, something I can sink my teeth into to spark a conversation. *sigh* okay, thanks for listening!

/rant off

Can be found at myspace or LJ. The direct LJ link is here: http://shadymist.livejournal.com/11967.html

Shortest version: I had lots of fun. I made new friends. I got kissed by a stranger (I did know his name at least!). I connected, with others and with myself. I came back wishing I could stay longer, even without the party side of things.

Much more is in the link, even though it's condensed.

I'm frazzled. There is so much yet to do, and so little time in which to get it done. I've never been, so I don't "know" what's necessary, I only have second hand advice from a dozen or more friends who know what's what, and what's needed. I know I won't go without once there because I have very good friends who are looking out for me. This helps my frazzleness somewhat.. but still.

Examples: I didn't know I need re-bar for my tent poles until just last week, and if not for having a camping event last weekend with a burner friend, I'd have gone to the event without it. I still need to get lights, flashlights, glowy things. I don't have much in the way of burning man attire, or even desert attire. I need to pick up goggles. And all through this, I have much else in the rest of life to still juggle. 

Mmm juggling chaos balls... it's fun, but damn it can tire my arms out quick at times.

Bedtime? Yes, I think I've ranted and rambled enough.

Side thought: I'm super excited about this trip, and happy. I know I'm going to have a ball. Yay!

I've been introspecting myself for the past several years, each time I find myself single again. Each time I learn more of myself, and more of others. This time around, I've found myself with zero self-confidence issues. My ego is healthy. My attitude is positive, if a touch tainted by anger these days at one person, but even that's not on an unhealthy level.

I have learned that I have compromised for others so much that I resented it, and I think now I have reached that breaking point. I deserve more, by far. More effort, more love, better time management. I will not be a side thought, or a much missed memory that occasionally comes to mind and "you" call to remind me you still care, every 2 months, or the other "you" only when your body reminds you that sex with me is deeper than the less emotionally charged relations you prefer.

I might have become a very difficult person to date these days, because I have learned what I am done with, and it leaves me less tolerant. I deserve more, so I will accept no less. I am actively "seeking", but to get inside this head, you need to be worth it. Yes, I will ask you to prove yourself to me.

How is this accomplished? Fairly simply.

- Be self-confident, but don't try to overrun me with your ego. I like healthy egos (remember, I do have one of my own), but I do not like egos that feed off of others. Symbiot is okay, parasite is not. I also don't want to be your depression counselor. I can, and certainly will if you end up going through a rough patch, but when you start dating me I expect you to be in a positive mindset. I offer no less, myself.

- Be reliable. If you want time with me, make the time, and follow through. Understand that I can often be pretty busy these days, but I can make time if you're worth it. I won't schedule something else if I've given you that time, and I ask you do the same. Exceptions for emergencies can be made on occasion, but if it's a series of excuses, I'll have to step aside and move on. Been there, done that (thanks "A" and "T").

- Be attentive. I don't expect you to hang on my every word. I expect you to be interactive in our conversations, though. Listen, talk, be present.

- Be intelligent. That will help with the previous request.

- Do not try to dominate me. This will only go badly. I am not submissive. If you seek submissive, in lifestyle or even just role play, I do not fit that role.

I read some of my older journal entries on here, I don't know what prompted me, but after reading it, I realize, more updates on my progression of life are in order.

I don't update this blog usually. I keep it all over on myspace (shadymist). It does make this one easier to look at, since there aren't many postings here.

That being said, the blog below, where I comment about my habit of clamming up with important things... I have since resolved most of that. I talk things out, constantly. I no longer hide when things are bothering me, and I discuss with an open mind what's going on in my head. I realize I need a soundboard to sort through thoughts, more than I wanted to admit to back "then".

I am single again, this happened early December. I mourned the end of the relationship, but celebrate the beginning of my next chapter in life. I find that losing respect for the man I put 100% trust into hurts as much as the end of the relationship. I heal though, and I have let most of it go. There resides some small anger, but such is life. I am fine.

Random Horoscope stuff:

Sun in Libra, Moon in Taurus � Ascendant in Libra, Venus in the Twelfth House � Sun in the First House � Sun Conjunct Ascendant � Moon in the Eighth House � Saturn in the Eleventh House � Venus in the Twelfth House

Don't ask for my translation of it, I can't help you there. I have the report somewhere around, and it reads "fairly" accurately. I try not to question how these things work anymore. That they do, I have to admit to. Proof in that even the less vague readings seem to match too closely to claim otherwise. :)

Enough of my babblings, I have other things to attend to today!

I found myself with a slight bit of free time, so I decided to update my top section of the profile to reflect lack of stagnation. I felt an inclination to save the old version, so I'm posting it here for safe-keeping.

In random order (oxymoron) here are thoughts of me. If you're confused on anything, or have a question, just ask.

Life changes, people change, I'm no longer the same person I used to be, but feel I'm more alive and into being who I am than before.

I have faith, and love, and know that in the end it's all trivial.

I try to keep optimistic, making each day a good one, regardless of how it starts or how many kinks and bumbs there are in it. Cynical, but with a smile.

Controversy seems to draw me, or maybe is drawn to me, I'm not sure which, probably both. I love debate, but my knowledge base is too limited for me to be very good at it.

I'm happy. Life may not be going right most of the time, but I strive to not let the quirks affect me negatively, and even if I fail occassionally and get upset, I get over them quickly, or sleep them off and wake up fresh and happy again.

I believe complete honesty is the best way to go through life. Top pet peeve of mine I think would be lies.

I am straight with "bi" tendencies, which makes me bi I'm sure, but I decided to change my status back to straight because of okcupid's screwy database.

So, I have not posted for a while now, I've been trying to make life more positive, and it's been a slow process, but progress is being made.

For those who wonder why I seem to be less social than normal, have faith, once certain aspects of life are worked out, I will be back to my normal, bouncy self. Okay, so maybe bouncy is not the right word, but back to positive energy flow.

I also hope, with the coming of warmer weather, and some other changes that are happening in my life, I will have more inspired moments to put forth unto paper and journals. I do miss my nature hikes, and the waterfalls, however I am not yet acclimatized to the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps by next year's winter this will change, or at least by then I'll be better equipped for it.

I leave you with these thoughts, until the next time.

~ C

So, the eventful weekend events... sorry the lack of my usual flair, just factual events mostly for tonight's blog.

I started the weekend with dinner Friday with Becca and her boyfriend, then we chatted a bit back at her place, I added more fur to my still unfinished Mau`drea, and then felt a sudden need to get out doors, so I took a drive to a friend's work about 150 blocks away. Spent an hour at the adult video store (my friend's employment location) chatting with him, showing him the couple of drawings I had with me, and discussing various things that friends talk about in toy stores.

Saturday started out with brunch with friends, joining Nate while he lunched, and then a lot of loading up a Uhaul full of Becca's stuff, from her 3rd story apartment of course... (my calves truly despise me now, for the record, but I'm much better for it now)

The afternoon was spent unloading the truck, some friendly banter, and my arms finally calling it quits near to the end. Nate and I then went to his best friend's place, giving me the opportunity to meet more fun people, spent the night at Nate's, went for breakfast then headed toward home, with a detour to get a well-needed oil change.

Along the way home, I side-tracked, took some various paths out of the way, partly for exploration, partly because the countryside is so gorgeous. I came across an old native american, and we talked for a while. Next week, on my way home, he is going to introduce me to where some of the natural hotsprings are, so I am happy about this, and glad our paths met.

Once back in Redmond, I stopped off at work to borrow a couple of tools to try to tighten my emergency break and seat (failed of course heh), then decided to take a dry cloth and dust the mountain pass off of my car. I am a clutz... I slipped then on some gravel/loose rocks, and stopped myself from falling flat onto the ground by catching my upper cheek upon the wooden fence post, also twisted my ankle in the process. Does not look like it's going to bruise/swell, hopefully the ice took care of that. Will know in the morning. The ankle... well I'll be favoring that foot for a couple days, no doubt.

All in all, I feel it was an enjoyable weekend, I'm sore from head to toe, but ah well. such is life.

And the walls come down...

Yes, as Becca and Nate both tell me... I think too much. And as Becca tells me, I hide in myself too much. I don't know why I can say what I want of superficial things without any difficulties, but when it comes to serious and deep, I clam up. Actually, no, that's not true, I do know why. I am afraid. Afraid to let down my guard, and let someone see my weaknesses, even if they are written on my face and in every bit of my body language. I don't want to hide myself. Self preservation, at the cost of everything I want, though.

So, breaking down my walls, telling what I really want. I want love. I want someone who wants me as much as I want him, passion, comfort, closeness, someone I can just sit across a table from and share anything with, a partner in crime.

I have not been seeking this, I'd even go so far as to admit that I've been trying to avoid it, afraid of getting my hopes up.

Lately though, I have met someone who makes me think again of these things, someone I could see enjoying these things with, but I am at a loss. My style of doing things upon a whim, acting on what my gut tells me is right, I think I am doing more harm in this situation than good, and feel I've damaged possibitlies. Time will tell. Patience. Where is my patience? I remember a time I had patience. I need to meditate, clear my mind. My thoughts have been too active, and I need to sort through them before I ruin even friendship possibilities.

Anyhow... I will sign off on this for now. Too many thoughts, too many words...

Yes, I shall meditate. *smile*

I love life. Just for the record. Life is awesome, even if everything is going wrong, I love life.

I think it's time we talked. Yes, us. Okay, fine, you're right. I want to talk, and want you to listen. Is this such a bad thing?

I feel like talking about me. Perhaps it seems vain, that so much of what I write is about me. Perhaps you're right, I am vain. It is my expressions, though, and I happen to be an important topic to myself.

To be exact, this message is encompassing questions, comments, and thoughts compiled from numerous conversations with numerous people, and who *you* implies can change without notice, or notable change.

You state that I am seeking me. Yes, this is true. Always, forever, please don't ever stop. It is a journey into the changes of my life, the growth of my soul, spirit, heart, world.

You ask if I am at a crossroads. I admit to this being true. The options are less than obvious right now, but this is fine.

Back to our last talk, and the blog about my shift into extroversion. I feel a shift of energy, a need to share this energy. It's part of why I have been attempting to learn more on massage therapy, so my hands and mind can better follow the flow of energy with more knowledge of anatomy and how each muscle interacts.

It's odd, my want to share energy, that it's so particular who I want to share it with. It's not about love, because right now, that's not really part of any involvement I have (yet). Chemistry, a certain undefinable factor of energy interactions, mine with *yours*. This time, *you* belong to a shorter list, of two people, both of you know who you are, and both of you know who the other is, though you've not met.

Sigh. Frustrated. Yes, so, I'm frustrated. I need a hobby. I draw, I paint, I write, then I set my unfinished works aside, and look for something new to start. It is about staying active. I need to start exercising, maybe jog, but I find it less enjoyable alone. So, I need to find an exercise partner.

Volunteers? *giggle*

Well, tangents running off into more tangents, and I've probably revealed more than is wise, and I am fine with that. I still have some private thoughts, those I will save for the person who they are about. I know, it is about *you* this time, but you'll have to ask!