I'm a guy from Finland. I'm shy and introverted, yet energetic and dynamic. I'm that guy at the bar, school, workplace, or wherever, who people tend not to notice because I'm quiet and have little to say that interests them. I'm sensitive and thoughtful toward others, I'm good at writing english, I can write some pretty good music, I have a nice body and I think I'm fairly intelligent, but I don't really have any friends. I don't really understand why I can't attract other people, but it's a fact I have lived with all my life. I think I'm quite different from most people. Sometimes I get very depressed and dark because I haven't found a way to genuinely connect with other people. I try to stay active and maintain some contact with other people because it gets too painful if I'm alone and isolated all the time, but it's difficult because I often find I have to pretend to be something I am not because people don't seem to accept me as I am.
I study computer science in the university because I'd like to be able to earn my own living and not depend on government handouts. I'm not at all sure what I should be doing with my life because I don't really understand myself or my own needs or emotions very well. I very much enjoy things like fitness and leading a healthy lifestyle and I often wonder if I should pursue a career in personal training or something fitness-related instead. Then I remember that I don't really know how to socialize and connect with others, which are a mandatory skill in such a profession, so I just kind of let those thoughts go. I also used to write and play music very actively for over 15 years. I had a burning passion for it and dreamed of being able to work in the music industry in some capacity, but again, you need to have good people skills to be able to do that, so I let go of that dream years ago. The current, sad reality is that I don't really have any dreams anymore.
My parents and my general surroundings didn't teach me many life skills when I was young, so I've had to try to learn as much as I can myself, which isn't much. I have severe gaps in basic understanding of social interaction and the way the world works in general. I'm often very confused about what things mean, especially things people say or do. I have wondered if I'm autistic and/or have asperger's syndrome, but I have never pursued diagnosis because I don't see what difference it would make.
Sometimes I wish I was dead but that might just be my depression getting to me. I don't actually have a death wish. I'd rather be happy and have some real friends who care about me and vice versa. It's weird because I genuinely believe I'm a sane and reasonable person, but I just can't figure out how to live life well. I go to psychotherapy weekly but unfortunately I don't think it really helps me. I believe the only person who can ever heal me is me, so if I can't, nobody can.