Hi, my name is Daniel. I live in East Van and enjoy going on trips to weird and far-flung places of solitude and writing music that reflects my impressions of them. I live next to Renfrew Ravine and the tangled, brambled trees that groan and mutter at me with their less-than-pleasant dispositions where not even the full moon can penetrate the stifling darkness and ancient hatred that eminates from that twisted place. I frequent the Moors in Richmond, the endless sprawling logs like so many ancient wooden effigies jutting freakishly into the sky where the sun scorches all it comes in contact with, burning ocean and grassland with the same intensity. And Central Park, where the ancient boreal guardians and moss-covered stones stand even still, marking long gone days where man and beast both stalked through that same forest, unfettered with the trappings we know now. I've a song for all of them, and all of them have a song for me.

And you know I have nothing else to do when I start writing shit like that on my OKCupid profile.

I'm a musician and I want to do that for the rest of my life and also be rich so I think I'd better get a different job.

I work as a security guard at the law courts too. I'm good at it.

I like to roam the streets with my accordion and kilt with the endless Irish and Norwegian folk songs that I've accumulated and do it for money. I once got five dollars from an old man just by opening my accordion case. I think most of the money I make is because of the kilt though.

I'm good at a lot of things. Music is one, I took 11 frikkin' years of Royal Conservatory for piano, I'd hope I'd be good at that by now after playing professionally, too.

Also I'm good at not being a delusional retard like many musicians. I suppose that's good.

The GINOURMOUS size of my brain. It literally, yes literally, sticks out of my head, and I have to have it encased in glass because it's so huge. I sometimes cover it on my more conservative days, but if I'm feeling risque, I leave it bare. I heard girls are attracted to big-brained men, you see, so I'm comfortable with the fact that everyone can see my brain.

Okay, not really. The first thing people usually notice about me is the fact that I'm actually Spiderman.

Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake - Watership Down by Douglas Adams - The Gammage Cup by Carol Kendall - The Worm Ouroboros by ER Eddison. If I listed any more we'd be here all day.

B) I like movies that make me think, or inspire me to do something. The Dark Knight, Watchmen, Spiderman, Nosferatu, Rambo, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Hot Fuzz, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, Braveheart, Conan the Barbarian (/the Destroyer), The Ghouls, The Princess Bride, The Goonies, most zombie movies. Who cares though really.

C) Man where do I start with music. How about I don't. I'm listening to metal right now. I play in a country band. I'm learning several classical pieces for fun. Hiphop is hilariously good. I loudly sing along to Irish music in my car and I don't care WHO'S in it with me (I don't really have a car but my mother does).

D) Who cares what food I like seriously. Poutine and bridge mixture are the best food, get me some, I'll be your bff.

1. Good beer
2. Good humour
3. Good company
4. Having something to read
5. Having an instrument to play

Yeah that's pretty much it.

I want to be a businessman and have stocks and a portfolio someday. That, or just wear a suit and walk around town telling people I'm a businessman with stocks and a portfolio. Inside my portfolio will be one piece of paper with the word 'stockz' written on it. That is what businessmen do, I'm sure of it.

Working, mostly. But that's not very interesting. Maybe playing video games, but that's not very interesting either. Maybe walking around pretending to be a businessman. That's interesting, but kind of retarded. Can I skip this section?

Actually on Friday nights I'm working because that's what I'm scheduled for. It's fun, I work on Granville, I get to kick retarded clubbers out of the law courts.

I think hygene is overrated. Not to say I walk around dirty and smelly, but I really dislike having to put a bunch of product on myself to impress strangers who I might have to walk past at some point in the day. I'll do it anyway, but I secretly resent every moment I'm around someone and they're not offended by how I smell and look. I wanna go back in time and get the bubonic plague from not washing but nobody would care because they all have it too.

Maybe not actually.

- You're a one-eyed old man with a raven on each shoulder and wolves underfoot with some wisdom to impart unto me.

- You're a businessman. I need to meet more businessmen. I don't even like business, I just like businessmen. I want to know more of them so I can shake their hands professionally and discuss stocks or RRSPs or some other business crap.
...

Meeting people off the internet is cool. Let's do it. Let's get poutine.

UPDATE: My ex says my profile is retarded and she would never message me. If you think so too, message me and tell me because I want to get lots of hot chicks because that is what the internet is for. It's srs bizness.