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Well, my name is Horace B. Pendleton and I am a temporarily deposed dictator. Do not feel sorry for me, however. Like the noble phoenix, I have risen from the ashes of my broken regime.

After being unjustly exiled following a bloody political coup, I had a revelation. My true calling is as a teacher. One of my most important directives as Emperor Augustus Kaiser Khan of the People's Shogunate was re-education. Why re-educate when you can do the educating in the first place?

So I founded the HBPUDAAAUWL, Horace B. Pendleton's University for Dictators, Autocrats, and All-Around Uncompromising World Leaders.

Currently, I am the Dean at HBPUDAAAUWL, which I rule with an iron fist, inside a velvet glove, under laytex gloves. Why? Because tyranny isn't always sanitary. So then why do I do it? I do it for the people. People follow me. They follow because of my charisma, my ideals, and my vision. Not to mention my secret police, my forced labor camps deep within the barren wastes of Ohio, and my never-say-die(unless I'm talking about you) attitude. People trust me because I don't trust them.

Does this sound like you? Do you have an unreasonable feeling of entitlement? Do you think you have what it takes impose your will upon the masses or a portion thereof? Are you a self-starter? You may be right for HBP's Automatic Autocracy Platinum Package. You'll go from closet despot to dictator-for-life in no time!

When you order HBP's Automatic Autocracy Platinum Package, you will receive one instructional video each and every month. Your first video, "Freedom for All, or Just for Me?" will arrive in 8-10 business days. It will teach you how YOU can enjoy more freedom by limiting the freedoms of OTHERS.

Month by month, I'll teach you how to use the tried and tested methods of world domination that worked for me and made me what I am today. If at any time you find yourself unsatisfied with my product, simply return the unused portion for a full cash refund and a free trip to Siberia. It's just my way of saying thanks for trying my product and you'll never breathe free air again! Die in obscurity, you insolent wretch!

Warning

* Contents under pressure

* Do not expose to open flame

* Do not ingest

* Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while product is in use

* The use of antibiotics may reduce the effectiveness of this product

Use of this product has been known to cause side effects including, but not limited to: night sweats, delusions of granduer, dry mouth, frequent urination, leprosy, napoleon complex, scurvy and anal leakage.

dividing & conquering, ousting political rivals, opiating the masses, oppressing the unwashed, re-educating the insolent, justifying my means, killing ground, maintaining the mandate of heaven, suppressing the opposition(loyal and otherwise), schemerisms, diabolitry, political manueverations

I am completely surrounded by bodyguards and usually encased in bulletproof glass. In my line of work, it pays to be cautious.

my bodyguards, my secret police, social stratification, a culture of fear, shameless propaganda, blind obedience. Seriously, I need these things. Without them my subjects would kill me in a most hideous and unjust revolt.

What you're doing. Unless I already know, then I think about making you do something else. If you're already doing that then I'm thinking about how to get you to do that faster.

Perfecting my diabolical schemery and establishing a new world order from the privacy of my Fortress of Oppressification.

I admit nothing. If it's a confession you seek, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead lips. That probably wouldn't work either.

The whim strikes you and you are patient enough to wait for a response. I enjoy engaging in discourse and intercourse and other words like that. If that sounds like your thing, let me know. Be active, not reactive! Stand up and be heard! Make a difference! Or you can ignore what every fiber of your being is telling you is right and refuse to consummate your own fate. That's okay too.

Addendum: I am a pleasant and forgiving person, but please don't message me if you don't have anything to say. I probably won't be rude; I'll just be disappointed.