The Place: Baltimore, City of Charm and Commotion!
The Time: Now, the Ever-Changing Present!
For the first time in years, the eccentric writer and adventurer known to millions by the nom du net "Fizzbang" has returned to civilization once more! Children sang and flowers burst into bloom as his air-yacht set down on the peak of the Washington Monument -- built by the first president himself as a memorial to the intrepid explorer, whose coming had been predicted by Washington's personal team of oracles and constitutional futurologists.
The great man had last departed four years ago, bound to explore the deepest reaches of the hollow earth and to ensure a union with the bizarre yeti-men that reside therein. To a grateful nation, he produced a signed peace accord, written on the finest yeti-hide; proof of the yetis' goodwill, and also of their strange, heathen burial customs. At last, America and Undermerica stand united against the fearsome Wormmunist Republic of Marsylvania!
When asked what riches he had brought those perilous, inverted shores, he replied only, "Wisdom."
In the reverent silence that followed, he produced a string of wisdom teeth, tooth after knobby tooth glinting in the warm sunlight. The crowd's horror soon turned to delight as he popped one into his own mouth, explaining that they were only tooth-shaped mints, a candied delicacy he had come to appreciate in the yetis' subterranean flavor-dens. Surely, the teeth's tiny, golden fillings were merely a fanciful decoration. OR WERE THEY?
After further retelling sof his epic adventures, the man Mark Twain once nicknamed "the Kind Viking" was awarded the Congressional Medal of Astonishment, the highest honor the nation can bestow on a semi-fictional civilian. Before retiring to his stately animatronic mansion, he offered one final piece of advice to the assembled throng:
"Life demands a story, but every tale is a half-truth at best - so make sure yours is wholly entertaining!"