Below was a rather strange attempt to describe myself when I lived in the U.S. I'm sure at some point, I'll update it.
After not receiving a single vote in 2012 U.S. Presidential Election, the Flying Duckman's campaign management team polled random voters to determine how well they knew the candidate's background. Here are some of the transcripts from those interviews:
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Do you feel that FD's duties in running a country may have been preempted by his interest in taking comedy improvisation classes, rowing, captaining an intramural kickball team, serving with a non-profit, completing in endurance fitness events, working out daily, and socializing with friends?
Apu - Cashier in Springfield: "For da last time, stop asking me questions unless you buy something."
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Prior to his foray into politics, FD once was an Endangered Species Act attorney who helped design a plan to save endangered habitat and species. He was also the GM of a minor league baseball team. How do you think these skills would enhance his foreign policy credentials?
Steve Irwin - a Crocodile Hunter: "Mate, If the endangered Outback Spider Wallaby is keen to take a swing at curving speedball, FD could certainly tame him by playing "Take me out to the ballgame" on his didgeridoo. If he can't play that, what a bloody waste of me vote! Crikey."
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: FD has lived abroad on two occasions. Do you think the voters punished him for his lack of commitment to living every phase of his life in the United States?
Phil Knight - owner of Nike: "Does he have any foreign connections to Bangladesh? I'm looking to open a factory there. Can you put me in touch?"
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Although he's a member of the bar, F.D. currently works in the medical industry. Do you think these two skill sets will help him negotiate new health care regulations?
Beavis and Butthead: "Heh-heh. Hm-Hm. You said 'member.'"
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: The first thing FD would have done had he been elected president was eliminate rain on weekends and destructive natural disasters. This way, the taxpayer dollars could be reduced and Americans would all enjoy great weather. Are you for or against permanent great weather and the prevention of natural disasters?
Mitt Romney: "Yes. I mean no. Wait. Yes. 47% of me thinks that 47% of the time I'm for it. Would he be able to make it rain 47% of the time? I can make it rain. In fact, earned $47 million last year. But I only reported 47% of that on my taxes. Shit. I redact 47% of that statement.
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Have you tried to Google FD?
Rick Santorum: "Yes I have. Lots of stuff out there on FD. Unlike me. Nothing Googleable on me. I swear. Nothing. What are you doing with that computer?! You know you can't trust anything you read online!!!"
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Were you at all concerned that FD was an atheist running for the nation's top spot? Australia's Prime Minister is an atheist and the Sept 2012 unemployment rate there was 5.2%.
God: "Are you still shocked as to why he didn't get any votes?"
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: FD takes great care of his own personal finances, owns a home and plans for retirement. Is fiscal responsibility important to you?
George W Bush: "Responsible fishing means more good bass on America's dinner tablecloths."
F.D.'s Campaign Manager: Did it concern you that FD would be the first president since James Buchanan to be a childless, lifelong bachelor?
OKCupid Bachelorette: "He has a funny cowlick on the back of his head."
If you would like a free "FD for President in 2012" yard sign or bumper sticker, we have millions left. Please take them.