Pretty regular guy looking for an unrealistically lovely lady. I'm
a big boss man at the Friendly's headquarters. I used to
manufacture ice cream and and was forced to eat it every day, now I
manage the distribution center. I've had, like, a thousand jobs
with the same company. I went to school for English. Turns out I
already spoke it. My dad can beat up your dad. But he's a pacifist,
so he won't. Your dad is lucky. I can open beer bottles with a
lighter and make the caps fly across the room. I can also flick
those caps with my thumb and middle finger fairly accurately.
Impressive, I know. It's all in the elbow. Just point it where you
want the cap to go. I'm looking to expand my bottle cap skill set,
in case you know any tricks. I sometimes get obsessed with hobbies.
I still have, like, nine paintball guns from my high school days.
If you're looking for a paintball gun (for home protection or
otherwise), I'll sell you one. I'm not a paintball gun dealer of
any sort, so I'll give you a wicked fair deal. Update: I started
playing paintball again because I'm a grown-ass child, so the
aforementioned items are no longer listed as for sale. I was once
arrested for climbing on top of a Burger King. How many people do
you know who can say that? I have a cute little dog. He's a
sonofabitch. I've been told I have "hipster tendencies," but I like
things that a bunch of other people also like, so I must not be a
hipster. That's exactly what a hipster would say. My only
conservative leanings involve the use of the word "literally." I'm
just saying take it easy. You're probably not literally going to
die because of (insert pop culture reference by which you're
arbitrarily negatively affected). If you are, I'm very sorry. I got
into snowboarding this past winter. I'm already the best there ever
was. My facial hair can't decide what it wants to do, but it's
growing on me. I use seven dollar words, but my boss only carries
six dollars on him at all times. I can't have a conversation with
that cheap fuck. I might have more bicycles than you have
relatives. I will sell you one cheap cheap cheap. Again, not a
dealer. I definitely have more relatives than you have bicycles. My
father was one of seventeen. Chew on that. While you're chewing, I
will conclude with several flattering adjectives to describe
myself: good, really good, great even, footstrong, on-point,
picturesque, work-well-with-othersish, glow-in-the-dark, derivative
of nothing and/or everything, audible, uncantankerous, Petrarchan,
Dickensian, Shakespearean, Siberian, experienced, imperial,
empirical, spherical, peculiar, particularly curious, genuinely
spurious, philharmonic, regular harmonic, sensical, modest,
What I’m doing with my life
Wasting away in a surprisingly unWonka-esque ice cream
manufacturing facility. But I'm working on my TEFL certificate and
hope to have a more fulfilling job by the fall. <--- I wrote
that last summer. Still with the same company, but in a slightly
more tolerable capacity. I'm now TEFL certified and formulating a
plan to jump ship and go on the adventure of a lifetime.
I’m really good at
ranting about inanimate objects.
helping others see the good in themselves.
anything I put my mind, heart and soul into.
The first things people usually notice about me
Two different-colored eyes. Though it takes some acquaintances
years to recognize. I guess I'm not great about eye contact with
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
The Road, Desert Solitaire, A Walk in the Woods, The Last American
Man, Call of the Wild, The Dangerous Book for Boys
The Usual Suspects, Snatch, Anything by Wes Anderson or Akira
Kurosawa, Sin City, Paper Moon, Children of Men
Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, The Wire, The Shield, True
The Black Keys, Wilco, The National, Steeldrivers, Andrew Bird,
pretty much anything you might see on an NPR Tiny Desk
The six things I could never do without
I just realized all of these things, except sex, are had at once on
my annual mountain biking/camping trip with the fellas to Burke,
VT. I need to bring a woman with me next time around in order to
achieve complete self-actualization. Be that woman.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
how to stop myself from thinking.
On a typical Friday night I am
anything but typical.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
At press time, I'm officially out of clean underpants and am going
commando. I'm ok with it. The only potential snag is the heightened
potential for snag.
I just discovered that "snag" is one of those words that sounds
weird when you repeat it.
You should message me if
you're looking for an easy-going, kind-hearted and fairly
intelligent fella with lots of potential. I'm into pretty,
intellectual gals who are confident, but not full of themselves.
Just regular folk like me. A healthy sexual appetite is preferred,
but who doesn't have that nowadays?