Most of the time, I am a very happy, thoughtful person.

But I probably need friends and lovers who can hang with the brooding side as well, so I'm going to take a crack at updating on a rather melancholy evening. If you read this profile and feel it reads like every day of your life, you are too depressing. Get some help. However, if you want a ray of sunshine who gets the darkness once in a while, read on.

I'm a bleeding-heart do-gooder, a word-wielding misanthrope whose hatred is a form of affection, and a closet nihilist who just keeps going with the meanings he built up in his head while watching interracial sitcoms because he is too lazy to sit on a mountain and meditate for forty minutes, let alone forty years. I am supremely emotional and logical in one big, creative mess. I am loud and shy and knowledgeable and insecure, and although I have a fetish for deep communication, I'm a much worse listener than I think I am (however, I'm probably still better at it than you).

I am polyamorous, which less often means all the sex I can handle than it means all the heartache I can carry. Once in a while, I still pine for every love I have ever lost; they are still family to me.

Supposed to be working on a book that is way too ambitious, but the subject matter depresses me and fucks with my head, so I mess around on Facebook, play Final Fantasy VI, and talk about how badly I need to write. If my book is successful, I may go down in history for triggering a paradigm shift in American culture, but it's more likely I'll crash and burn and end up working somewhere menial for less money than you got the summer after you started driving.

I dabble in politics and activism. Listening is the best activist tool I know, you should try it some time. I'm either a socialist with a libertarian bent or a libertarian with a socialist bent. You figure that one out (but please note the lower-case "s" and "l"; political parties--especially Dims and Rips--make me want to watch that pencil scene in The Dark Knight over and over again...).

Since ambition pays squat and writing even less, I live with my grandfather as either a symbiont or a parasite, offering to do chores that he finishes before I'm even out of bed. I occasionally pick up odd jobs or projects for the betterment of society and to keep my family off my back. These have included haunted house designer and actor, political campaigner, sex shop cashier, and sleepless sellout to corporate robber-barons posing as tax preparation "people". I can tell you how to file your taxes for free, buy a dildo that doesn't poison your body, and get your message out online, all while wearing a scratchy burlap mask. I had sexual fantasies about coworkers and/or clients at every one of those jobs.

I draw like a motherfucker, but not nearly often enough or nearly often enough for profit. I actually kind of hate money, and I have provable data that I spend a lot less of it unemployed than I did as a contributing member of society. Makes you wonder what exactly the "contribution" is supposed to be...

As for who I'm doing (actually, that should be "whom"), I have a delightfully sexy partner-in-every-way who probably doesn't want to be linked to the cynical version of my profile (ray of sunshine, remember? I was serious about that). We watch Eddie Izzard with her impressionable children, flatter ourselves with our progressive genderbending, and whisper lascivious comments about pretty much every androgyne who crosses our path because we're too chicken to actually flirt with them.

I'm also in this exploratory stage with an extremely hot friend-plus in Austin who doesn't communicate yet is giving polyamory a try. I'm not linking to her because she made the mistake of giving one of you fuckers her phone number and has been getting text-stalked for a month now; I'm pretty sure she's written off this site for meaningful human contact, so why bother?

I have friends in other parts of the country I would like to see in-person, naked, and flailing, but haven't yet. Please respect that.

Once in a while, I'll casually drop references to my "real" career and education back in DC and NYC (respectively), to remind myself that I'm back in DFW by choice and very rarely to lord it over you that I turned my back on money, stability, and self-repression.

not noticing when your eyes glaze over during one of my elaborate "resonance" metaphors, picking the right CD or DVD for mood adjustment (in case you're curious, both are shut off during tonight's exercise in profile revision), inspiring unfamiliar passions, embracing the kink of others, obeying every whim of certifiably crazy women in exchange for backbreaking sex and infrequent coddling, and karaoke.

I absolutely suck at reading between the lines, saying goodbye (if you don't even attempt to be friends with the vast majority of your exes, please go fuck yourself and save me the hurt ventricles), making the first move, flirting before I know for certain the person is interested in me (see: reading between the lines), and being perfect.

Wow, he certainly is emotive/intense/dynamic/expressive. Tall, too... how big are his feet? Kinda femme... wonder if he likes people playing with his hair?

...

I did not expect him to sing Stevie Wonder!

Arrowsmith, Ghostbusters, Duke Ellington, Tex-Mex, blah blah blah.

What are my misanthropic favorites?

Count of Monte Cristo, Frankenstein, Hamlet, Transmetropolitan, Watchmen, The Bible According to Mark Twain

Bamboozled, SLC Punk, A Clockwork Orange, Fight Club, American Psycho, The Dark Knight, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, The Last Supper, Event Horizon, Eyes Wide Shut

Modest Mouse, Tupac, Dresden Dolls, Primitive Radio Gods, Nas, Orgy, Sex Pistols

An oversized, overpriced bacon cheeseburger and unhealthy portion of fries. Or local, family-owned BBQ.

other people, Quixotism, hot tea, orgasms, the Internet, goals. Probably in that order.

my book, finding happiness for myself and others, fostering better communication, metaphysics, cross-referencing the universe, long lost loves, future long lost loves, why I am so arrogant, why I am so insecure, to what extent my arrogance and insecurity are related, good music, making music, how to better love humanity, whether overt contempt might better serve humanity than unconditional love, how much more I should be reading/cleaning/cooking my own food/writing, whether I think too much or just fixate on unhealthy things, and what I want to sing.

...forgetting to listen to my favorite radio program, Rocket Radio.

...getting googly-eyed at all the new people at Dallas Poly Dinner who probably won't answer when I attempt to follow up on our terrific preliminary conversations.

...wishing I was closer to getting laid or having too much fun to care.

...laughing with my doll (and sometimes her kids), and occasionally other friends who make life so fucking fantastic.

(I told you I was a ray of sunshine; there's really no way to be cynical about this. I am damn lucky.)

I sometimes want meaningless sex, but I've never really gotten it and never really regretted not getting it long enough to matter.

Oh, and I have a bruise on my penis that hasn't gone away in well over a year.

Please feel free to test either of these claims for their veracity. Hell, test them at the same time!

...and upon rereading this a few times, I will admit that this revision isn't nearly as dark as I expected. Dammit, I think I started to have fun with it! So I apologize to anyone implicated in the above statement that if every day is like this profile for you, you need help... I had me confused with someone else.

...I message you. I know the Internet is the vast wasteland for accountability that Congress only dreams of being, but a simple "not interested" or "too busy" or whatever would go a long way. I know there are thousands of people on this site trying to sniff out your crotches and (once in a great while) your brains, but communication is my lifeblood and some days I give one drop too many and need to something--anything--back.

...you are not better than anyone else.

...you do not carry anger with you at all (or even most) times.

...you don't see talking and fucking as mutually exclusive relationship needs.

...(for dating at least) you are polyamorous/polycarnal/polycarnal (I've done polyfidelity and probably will again some day... but that day is not today) or at least poly-friendly AND seek exceptional levels of self-awareness and communication from yourself and your partner(s). I need to always know exactly where I stand.

Oh yeah, and I need to know that if things don't work out, we can still be friends of some sort. Once I love someone, they are in my heart forever, and my interpretation of love is broad and fierce.

...you want the ray of sunshine but need the cynic to make it real. I know I do.