In recent decades, there has been an upsurge in the amount of information about Jon on OK Cupid. (McBarley p.154) This is common knowledge in the 21st century. But how does it affect us, and what changes is it bringing about in the way we work and play in the modern world, and indeed, how is it changing what it means to be human? I intend to show that profiles about Jon have made modern society, like, a little bit less lame, and, despite what the IAEA may hope, are here to stay.
The first simple and incomplete OKCupid profile about Jon appeared in 1952 when a mining crew in Turkmenistan noticed a strange odor in their bauxite tailings. Following the odor to its source, they discovered an online dating profile for a man who claimed to be an artist, freelance illustrator, and stand up comedian. (Tibbits p.39) Several photos of what are assumed to be this "Jon" were included in the profile, along with thousands of detailed technical diagrams of [REDACTED] if fully charged, from a range equal to the orbit of Jupiter. The profile also located him in Chicago's Humboldt Park neighborhood, and scanned images of a water damaged and many-times-photocopied pamphlet proclaimed his universal benevolence and destiny to lead humankind into a new era, though experts question the true motives of these plans and the feasibility of accumulating the required number of ducklings. (Paulson p.296)
Over the next few days, many unrelated people throughout the world would claim to have seen this profile, which promised that if they mailed in any of the components specified for [REDACTED] they would receive a coupon for 15% off any imported Canadian antidepressants. (ibid. p.47) When the coupons were revealed to be crayon and glitter forgeries, the profiles were reported to the Better Business Bureau, which to this day disavows any knowledge of the incident. Focus on the Family was quick to condemn the profiles as well, stating, "I know gay when I see it." (NY Times)
Nevertheless, segments of the community have embraced this Jon and his online self-descriptions, incorporating them into their lives in a way difficult to disentangle. Many people have consulted them before taking exams, prompting concern from academics who claim the hidden information encoded inside them gives those with access an unfair advantage. (Mbutwe p.356) But beyond the concerns of the ossified establishment, these profiles have seen much use in facilitating communication, good vibes, fun times, and have been invaluable in helping many people throughout the world just take it easy. (Chang p.25)
In conclusion, these profiles, which have so suddenly invaded all our lives, are a beneficent presence, and mean us no harm, despite their outward appearance, bauxite odor, and requests to mail in any superconducting magnets you might have lying around. In fact, they can enrich our lives and help us just chillax, you know, or at least kill some time or whatevs.[sic]
But mainly pumping that funk in my stride, and maintaining the nastiness of said funk.
I am OK enough at drawing to do it for what is technically a living, but that is only a day job until my astronaut career "blasts off" (That is some astronaut humor).
People say I have a good voice and should do radio or voice acting, but I'm hopeless at figuring out how to do things, which is why I'm writing this profile when I should really be putting out that fire.
I extend my hand in friendship to buy a book of stamps at the post office, and the nice woman has extended hers in kind, taking my debit card, but the transaction is never completed - My slightest touch has transformed her into a lifeless statue of artisinal beef jerky.
Somewhere in the distance, a child cries, and then is silent.
Books~ "Cultural Amnesia" by Clive James, "Codex Seraphinianus" by Luigi Serafini, "The Road to Reality" by Roger Penrose, "The Beginning of Infinity" by David Deutsch, "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" by Daniel Dennett, "What It Is" by Lynda Barry
Movies~ 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Prestige, Repo Man, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange, Network, Jackass, The Shining, Easy Rider, Pulp Fiction
Shows~ It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Superjail, Community, Stella, Adventure Time, 30 Rock, Archer, Bob's Burgers, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, Rick & Morty
Foods~ Pizza, beef jerky, beer, broccoli, instant ramen, curry, beer, fondue, crab, string cheese, pelmeni, beer, dim sung, beer
Fabergé Eggs~ The red and yellow one, the blue and gold one, the other blue and gold one.
- The wild but sturdy fox-reed for our huts
- I believe your kind knows it as "The Artifact"
- Human-scale chess board, 32 easily-kidnapped people
- The secret of fire
Or if, in the immortal words of the Beatles, you wanna rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day.
-"Calls and Nesting Behavior in the Lesser Patagonian Assclown," Cybil McBarley, 2007
-"What Sexually Active Teens Need to Know about Dimensional Compactification in Competing Theories of Quantum Gravity" (pamphlet) Gregory Tibbits, 1938
-"LOL DICK BUTT: Ideas in Temperance," Chastity Francine Paulson, 1896
-"Toot Toot, All Aboard the Man Train!" Thomas L. Friedman, New York Times, 12/31/1999 (May have been a dream)
-"Thus Spake Mother Goostra: Nihilism and Transcendence for the Pre-K Classroom" Rowdy Roddy Mbutwe, $24.99 plus tax
-"Photos of Morbidly Obese Birds," Ezekiel P.F. Chang, $6 OBO