33 Chicago, IL
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My self-summary
~What I Did Over Summer Vacation by Jon~

In recent decades, there has been an upsurge in the amount of information about Jon on OK Cupid. (McBarley p.154) This is common knowledge in the 21st century. But how does it affect us, and what changes is it bringing about in the way we work and play in the modern world, and indeed, how is it changing what it means to be human? I intend to show that profiles about Jon have made modern society, like, a little bit less lame, and, despite what the IAEA may hope, are here to stay.

The first simple and incomplete OKCupid profile about Jon appeared in 1952 when a mining crew in Turkmenistan noticed a strange odor in their bauxite tailings. Following the odor to its source, they discovered an online dating profile for a man who claimed to be an artist, freelance illustrator, and stand up comedian. (Tibbits p.39) Several photos of what are assumed to be this "Jon" were included in the profile, along with thousands of detailed technical diagrams of [REDACTED] if fully charged, from a range equal to the orbit of Jupiter. The profile also located him in Chicago's Humboldt Park neighborhood, and scanned images of a water damaged and many-times-photocopied pamphlet proclaimed his universal benevolence and destiny to lead humankind into a new era, though experts question the true motives of these plans and the feasibility of accumulating the required number of ducklings. (Paulson p.296)

Over the next few days, many unrelated people throughout the world would claim to have seen this profile, which promised that if they mailed in any of the components specified for [REDACTED] they would receive a coupon for 15% off any imported Canadian antidepressants. (ibid. p.47) When the coupons were revealed to be crayon and glitter forgeries, the profiles were reported to the Better Business Bureau, which to this day disavows any knowledge of the incident. Focus on the Family was quick to condemn the profiles as well, stating, "I know gay when I see it." (NY Times)

Nevertheless, segments of the community have embraced this Jon and his online self-descriptions, incorporating them into their lives in a way difficult to disentangle. Many people have consulted them before taking exams, prompting concern from academics who claim the hidden information encoded inside them gives those with access an unfair advantage. (Mbutwe p.356) But beyond the concerns of the ossified establishment, these profiles have seen much use in facilitating communication, good vibes, fun times, and have been invaluable in helping many people throughout the world just take it easy. (Chang p.25)

In conclusion, these profiles, which have so suddenly invaded all our lives, are a beneficent presence, and mean us no harm, despite their outward appearance, bauxite odor, and requests to mail in any superconducting magnets you might have lying around. In fact, they can enrich our lives and help us just chillax, you know, or at least kill some time or whatevs.[sic]
What I’m doing with my life
Freelance illustration, fine art, graphic novels, stand up comedy, book learnin', model trains (HO-scale ONLY!!!!), getting my materials together to maybe go for a masters degree in painting (or maybe just study some kinda science I dunno), and trying to publish a couple graphic novels and other ideas.

But mainly pumping that funk in my stride, and maintaining the nastiness of said funk.
I’m really good at
Appliqué. Like, I can appliqué a damasked rose or like Violent Jay from ICP or a nest of grotesquely bloated honeypot ants or like Dr. Who riding Nyan Cat who is shooting lasers out of his eyes all like sooo cool it'll make your face go all like DANG YO I HAVE BEEN MELTED OFF.

I am OK enough at drawing to do it for what is technically a living, but that is only a day job until my astronaut career "blasts off" (That is some astronaut humor).

People say I have a good voice and should do radio or voice acting, but I'm hopeless at figuring out how to do things, which is why I'm writing this profile when I should really be putting out that fire.
The first things people usually notice about me
The almost tangible creeping darkness and the sudden eclipse of the sun. Crows cease their cawing at my approach and cast an apprehensive eye up from their wind-stripped carrion. Gentrification has come over the land - I glance indifferently to the left, and an outreach church reconfigures itself into a dog salon. I glance to the right, and a Baby Threadless appears where once there was a Payday Loans. My footsteps overflow with free trade coffee, bubbling from unknown caves below the city through which waft the sounds of The Beta Band, Thievery Corporation, and Morcheeba, seemingly from every direction at once.

I extend my hand in friendship to buy a book of stamps at the post office, and the nice woman has extended hers in kind, taking my debit card, but the transaction is never completed - My slightest touch has transformed her into a lifeless statue of artisinal beef jerky.

Somewhere in the distance, a child cries, and then is silent.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Albums~ "Tonight's the Night" by Neil Young, "Irresistible Bliss" by Soul Coughing, "Original Rockers" by Augustus Pablo, "The New Gold Standard" by Fort Knox Five, "God Loves Ugly" by Atmosphere

Books~ "Cultural Amnesia" by Clive James, "Codex Seraphinianus" by Luigi Serafini, "The Road to Reality" by Roger Penrose, "The Beginning of Infinity" by David Deutsch, "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" by Daniel Dennett, "What It Is" by Lynda Barry

Movies~ 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Prestige, Repo Man, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange, Network, Jackass, The Shining, Easy Rider, Pulp Fiction

Shows~ It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Superjail, Community, Stella, Adventure Time, 30 Rock, Archer, Bob's Burgers, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, Rick & Morty

Foods~ Pizza, beef jerky, beer, broccoli, instant ramen, curry, beer, fondue, crab, string cheese, pelmeni, beer, dim sung, beer

Fabergé Eggs~ The red and yellow one, the blue and gold one, the other blue and gold one.
The six things I could never do without
- The wheel
- Agriculture
- The wild but sturdy fox-reed for our huts
- I believe your kind knows it as "The Artifact"
- Human-scale chess board, 32 easily-kidnapped people
- The secret of fire
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The highbrow, the lowbrow, the middlebrow, the unibrow, browbeating, beetlebrows, the sweat of my brow, drinking a nice German bräu, and how I should read Gravity's Rainbrow.
On a typical Friday night I am
Either working on art/writing, out doing stand up comedy, or sitting drunk in the bathtub. Sometimes all three.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i typed this sentence with my penis.
You should message me if
You are a fun, smart, and sarcastic androgynous, dangerously tomboyish, or at least rakishly shaggy individual who would like to hang out and joke around as we also become obsessed with our various personal endeavors like applying for NEA grants or building a go-kart or learning 4-dimensional topology or mining bauxite or finally catching that dang rabbit or getting a stunt pilot's license or curing beef jerky or something.

Or if, in the immortal words of the Beatles, you wanna rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day.

-"Calls and Nesting Behavior in the Lesser Patagonian Assclown," Cybil McBarley, 2007
-"What Sexually Active Teens Need to Know about Dimensional Compactification in Competing Theories of Quantum Gravity" (pamphlet) Gregory Tibbits, 1938
-"LOL DICK BUTT: Ideas in Temperance," Chastity Francine Paulson, 1896
-"Toot Toot, All Aboard the Man Train!" Thomas L. Friedman, New York Times, 12/31/1999 (May have been a dream)
-"Thus Spake Mother Goostra: Nihilism and Transcendence for the Pre-K Classroom" Rowdy Roddy Mbutwe, $24.99 plus tax
-"Photos of Morbidly Obese Birds," Ezekiel P.F. Chang, $6 OBO