In recent decades, there has been an upsurge in the amount of information about Jon on OK Cupid. (McBarley p.154) This is common knowledge in the 21st century. But how does it affect us, and what changes is it bringing about in the way we work and play in the modern world, and indeed, how is it changing what it means to be human? I intend to show that profiles about Jon have made modern society, like, a little bit less lame, and, despite what the IAEA may hope, are here to stay.
The first simple and incomplete OKCupid profile about Jon appeared in 1952 when a mining crew in Turkmenistan noticed a strange odor in their bauxite tailings. Following the odor to its source, they discovered an online dating profile for a man who claimed to be an artist, freelance illustrator, and stand up comedian. (Tibbits p.39) Several photos of what are assumed to be this "Jon" were included in the profile, along with thousands of detailed technical diagrams of [REDACTED] if fully charged, from a range equal to the orbit of Jupiter. The profile also located him in Chicago's Humboldt Park neighborhood, and scanned images of a water damaged and many-times-photocopied pamphlet proclaimed his universal benevolence and destiny to lead humankind into a new era, though experts question the true motives of these plans and the feasibility of accumulating the required number of ducklings. (Paulson p.296)
Over the next few days, many unrelated people throughout the world would claim to have seen this profile, which promised that if they mailed in any of the components specified for [REDACTED] they would receive a coupon for 15% off any imported Canadian antidepressants. (ibid. p.47) When the coupons were revealed to be crayon and glitter forgeries, the profiles were reported to the Better Business Bureau, which to this day disavows any knowledge of the incident. Focus on the Family was quick to condemn the profiles as well, stating, "I know gay when I see it." (NY Times)
Nevertheless, segments of the community have embraced this Jon and his online self-descriptions, incorporating them into their lives in a way difficult to disentangle. Many people have consulted them before taking exams, prompting concern from academics who claim the hidden information encoded inside them gives those with access an unfair advantage. (Mbutwe p.356) But beyond the concerns of the ossified establishment, these profiles have seen much use in facilitating communication, good vibes, fun times, and have been invaluable in helping many people throughout the world just take it easy. (Chang p.25)
In conclusion, these profiles, which have so suddenly invaded all our lives, are a beneficent presence, and mean us no harm, despite their outward appearance, bauxite odor, and requests to mail in any superconducting magnets you might have lying around. In fact, they can enrich our lives and help us just chillax, you know, or at least kill some time or whatevs.[sic]