32 Seattle, WA
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
That woman, seems like a prostitute.
That's because she is one. *pours a shot*
You're dating a prostitute?
Not for long. I'm gonna make that whore my wife. *takes shot slams it down*

West Philadelphia born and raised.
On the playground where I spend most of my days.
Chillin' out maxim relaxin' all cool, shootin' some b-ball outside of the school.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, "Your movin' in with auntie and uncle in Bel Air."
What I’m doing with my life
What does, Marsellus Wallace, look like?
*loud crash*
Describe what Marsellus Wallace LOOKS LIKE!
What? I... I...
What country you from?
What ain't no country I've ever heard of. Do they speak English in What?
Say what again! SAY WHAT AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you mother fucker say what one mo' god damn time!
He, he's black!
Go on.
He's bald!
Does he look like a bitch?
Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Bret?
I didnt!
Yes you did. Yes. You. Did Bret. You tried to fuck him.
I didnt!
And Marsellus Wallace doesn't like to be fucked by anybody except, Misses Wallace.

If you ask really nicely, or lean forward and ask while wearing a low cut shirt, I can recite this back to you from memory.
I’m really good at
Not projectile vomiting directly into someone's face when they tell me they do CrossFit.

Thinking about things and ideas which are completely irrelevant to the task at hand. And, dinosaurs. Which are entirely relevant at all times.

Beating the elderly in feats of strength and endurance. However, believe it or not, incontinence is a bigger problem for me than it is them. Ya win women ya lose some, am I right? AM I RIGHT?!
The first things people usually notice about me
The obscene bulge in my pants.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Movies - Tossing shit out there. Old Boy, Fargo, Seven, Blow, Full Metal Jacket, There Will be Blood, Tarantino, Dead Man, Boogie Nights, No Country For Old Men, American History X, Ran, Jurassic Park, A Clockwork Orange. Independence Day, The Fly (Jeff Goldbloom anyone?), Monty Python (anything), Dumb and Dumber, Gladiator, Braveheart, Predator, Alien, Godzilla, Classic Star Wars, Princess Monoke, Akira, Anchorman, basically Will Farrel movies, Jim Carrey (not so much new stuff), Chris Farley. Brokeback Mountain (seriously that movie had me BAWLING). Yeah, movies make me cry. Big woop wanna fight about it?!

Music - Just gonna throw out some random shit. Lamb of God. August burns red. Glitch Mob. Justice. Wu Tang. Amon Amarth. Boyz noise. Blackmill. As blood runs black. Soulfly. Sepultura. Iron Maiden. Daft Punk. Birdy Nam Nam. Deadmou5e.

TV - X-Files. Breaking Bad. It's always sunny in Philadelphia.

Food - All of it. I like putting things in my mouth.

Books - Anything with a viking on the cover. Bernard Cornwell. Dan Abnett.
The six things I could never do without
1. Family
2. Friends
3. My computer
4. Wikipedia
5. Farts
9. Orange. The color.
A. Misha
Red: Dihydrogen-Monoxide
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Things that are completely irrelevant to the task at hand... and dinosaurs. Which are entirely relevant all the time.

Wait, didn't he just say that?
On a typical Friday night I am
Im sitting here at work on my break and I look down at my shoe. On the bottom of my shoe is a mostly intact slice of jalapeno. How fuck does that happen?

*I don't work at a restaurant*
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I am a sociopathic compulsive liar. Too much?

I pick up my cat, rub my face on her and say cutesy-cuddly-gibberish to her for at least 10 minutes every day. That better?
You should message me if
The site of tortilla chip crumbs sprinkled throughout copious amounts of chest hair ignites a passionately burning desire deep down inside your hoo-ha. Yeah, get at me gurl.

I don't care if you're sassy. I don't care if you like whiskey. I don't care if you like to go on adventures. I don't care if you like live shows. I don't care how laid back you are. I don't care where you are from. I don't care how brutally honest you are. I don't care about how many tattoos you have. I don't care if you like craft beer. I don't care if you are unsure about this whole, "online dating thing." I don't care about pictures on top of mountains.