When the pubs I like to frequent start serving free cups of tea with every beer - that's when I'll know I've died and gone to heaven!

I'm fairly concerned I'm only a 68% match to be a friend with myself...

I am beardy, bouncy, and caffine-dependent

� keeping my balance

� drinking hot, strong tea

� being late

� eating lots

� making people smile

� attracting cats

� not having cats run away again when you start to tickle them

� not complaining on long walks

� listening when it matters

� being a bit silly

� having answers to trivia on the tip of my tongue

Either my eyebrow or my beads. But that's usually older people - they're the only ones who really comment on you 2 seconds after you've met aren't they? And then repeat what they've just said to their friend. Who's right there. She heard you say it the first time

So yeah, what I mean is that's probably not representative of all people - but if you want to know about the old dears then it's body mods all the way. But I'm still a "really nice boy" even though I "don't look it"

(a) books:

� The Minotaur Takes A Cigarette Break

� Nineteen Eighty-Four

� One Of Us

� The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents

� The Hitchhikers Trilogy

� Tess Of The D'Urbervilles

� The Hobbit

1) shoes - I don't mean "oh my god I collect shoes", but I don't think I could do without a pair of trainers otherwise I'd hurt my feet on spiky bits of floor...

2) a tin opener - same as above; I don't collect them but I lost mine for a while and it made me realise just how indispensable a tin opener actually is!

3) music - I do collect music

4) the sun - to be fair I think most of us would suffer without that, but I think I'd miss it more than most. Then of course we'd all die.

5) a sense of contentment - those moments when everything is alright with the world, fleeting but cherished...

6) a sense of perspective - if I didn't have one of those then I'd be a wanker and would have to kill myself.

Why is it six things? Aren't most of this sort of question only FIVE things you can't do without? The only advantage I can think of is so all the people who've previously had to choose between something to write with and something to write on to put in that coveted fifth slot can now just have both :o)

...how accurate OKCupid is with distances - like, am I really only 30 miles from Sheffield??

Actually that's a lie, it's really what I'm thinking about at the moment. Five house points to all the clever people who could've worked that out for themselves and therefore for whom this paragraph is a complete waste of time... stop reading it!

Right now I'm also thinking "I just used the words therefore and whom in the same sentence - does that make me sound like a pretentious twat? Did I even use them correctly? Ahh.. fukkit"

Which brings me nicely on to one of the things i do think about quite a lot: language and grammar. I mean, I notice other people's mistakes and it winds me up something rotten, but conversely I'm painfully aware I'm not the best speller in the world myself, and that my vocabularly is looking pretty skinny too... but I suppose I care (read: am anal) enough to notice when I get things wrong, so that'll have to do.

I think about how utterly insignificant we are compared to, well, everything. This train of thought is intially depressing, until you reason if we all are microscopic specks on some god's snotrag, then it doesn't really matter in the slightest what I do - hooray! In that case I'll have a beer... This is then tempered slightly by the realisation that although the universe doesn't notice what you get up to, your friends and family probably will... Your boss would sack you to, assuming he can still speak after all the torture.

Which is where it all falls down of course; although we know we're nothing, we make ourselves something because we care about other people and want them to be happy. Which is useful as this in turn makes us happy too! Hooray for life! Is all that too weird/deep/nonsensical? I meant world peace and shoes.

I pick my nose and eat it (the bogeys silly, not my own nose!) I also enjoy picking other people's spots as well as my own. Bizarrely however, I'm still repulsed by earwax...

...you've read this far.