Find better matches with our advanced
matching system

—% Match
—% Enemy


34 Portland, OR Man


I’m looking for

  • Everyone
  • Ages 20–50
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex

My Details

Last Online
Dec 18
6′ 1″ (1.85m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Atheism, and laughing about it
Aries, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Mostly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids
Likes dogs and has cats
English (Fluently)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Life Update: I am pretty dissatisfied with my profile, but too lazy to do anything about it. People still seem to like it, so here, have it.

Older Life Update:
OK, that was supposed to be an animated GIF of me hanging out w/Fabio at a Whole Foods. I might put it back up some time but eh.

On that note, I'm considering replacing my whole profile with the contents of this:

Shockingly, I'm not gay. My user name is simply light on consideration. Here's the twist: my user name is taken from Jean Claude Van Damme's first credited role on IMDB. Not a great twist, I know. If you remember "Yasha555," that was me.

Important preliminaries out of the way. Here are things about me.

I disquietedly fly through life by the seat of my pants. I would like to be able to switch the universe back and forth between the one presented in Star Trek, and the one presented in the show Stella. While I am not (usually [very]) gay, I do wish I could switch sexes on command, though given my inability to do that, I'm happy I ended up with male. To cannibalize a message I sent to one of you, "I'm not the manliest tuft of chest hair in the hair drawer."

I entertain myself by imagining the world as different in small but important ways. E.g., say in the distant future we evolved to a state where our hands were actually tarantulas. Weird enough, sure, but then you realize that regular tarantulas would just be - to us - disembodied hands running around like what's his face from The Addams Family.
For another example of what you might be in for, I've held a long, involved, entirely straight-faced conversation with a bandmate regarding the socio-linguistic implications of a language spoken entirely in farts. We agreed that butt cheek articulation would be a major part of expressing mood and that meal planning would be a sort of meta-communication, but we disagreed on the metaphorical importance of pooping.

I'm sure by now it must be tempting to simply start humping away at your laptop with my profile up, but do read on!

(After the handful of dates since I got back to being an active OKCer, I'm slowly reminding myself of how reserved I can be with new people. If we meet, I'll be about half of the laugh and a half I may seem here. So up to three quarters of a laugh.)
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Working part time at [a bookstore] while I do the game design/being in a band I should have been doing in my twenties. Transitioning from green tea to instant coffee with butter in it.

I play ukulele in a little band called Mother Android. I coined the term "space shanties" for our style, though it turns out that term was used in the 70s for a terrible prog rock album. We once played live on KBOO at midnight, and a stoned guy called in afterward to ask if we were influenced by Bobby Brown. My ukulele is named Skrindal, the amp my mom's boyfriendhusband built for it (jealous?) is named Freega, and I love them dearly, though I hate ukulele music in general.

I guess I should also mention that I have a degree in mathematics, which some girls seem to find sexy. I have another one in economics, which is obviously less sexy.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
- I make the best Ful Medames in Portland

- People say my dancing is awesome - I was never sure if that meant it was good or just ridiculous until my gay friend told me I'm a really good dancer. But he openly wants to hank my pank, so I can't quite take it at face value either

- Double Dragon 2: The Revenge

- Dungeon Mastering (sample size is two, but I choose to believe in myself)

- Fast-forwarding Star Trek: Enterprise precisely through the flabbergastingly bad theme song

- Making the ukulele sound creepy

- Steering the conversation toward the absurd and disturbing

- Momentously officiating the weddings of my close friends, turns out.

I don't know that I'm *good* at it, but I do enjoy the occasional indulgence in reverse language-bullying. I consider it my duty to defend the figurative use of "literally," the idiomatic use of "could care less," and hey dude, "octopus" isn't even a real Latin word, and even if it were it wouldn't be pluralized to "octopi," so correcting people on that makes you an asshole AND wrong. A wrong asshole, which sounds visually unpleasant.

But really, sometimes I suspect what I'm best at is saying through otherwise content-free expressions that, hey, I'm a person too; there are other people, it's safe!
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My hair, depending on length, weather, and attention, can be noticeably frightful.

The zen perfection of my chipped tooth,
blue eyes that can turn a lich,
my goaty impishness?
Verdant fields of scrawn.

Last thing you notice is my delightfully shaped, if vanishingly small butt.

I didn't mean for that to sound like you'll die when you see my butt. Harnessing my Butt Medusa's powers is at the bottom of my agenda, I assure you.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I used to read almost exclusively SF, favorites including Left Hand of Darkness and the Xenogenesis/Lilith's Brood trilogy (which intensified my slowly culminating drive to write erotic science fiction stories).
I've successfully transitioned for the time being into fiction more broadly. I like the things Murakami writes about, I'm just not sure I'm the biggest fan of his style, whereas I like Yukio Mishima's style but am more ambivalent about his philosophical content (which actually makes it pretty interesting to read). I guess I have a complicated relationship with Japanese writers so far.
Also getting more properly into poetry and western philosophy; I'm currently exploring phenomenology and Rumi, which I think are a pretty compatible pair.

Twin Peaks, TNG, and flossing. That's what TV is for. My recent first watch of Twin Peaks resulted in basically a month long Facebook rant about the greatness of that show, which I believe has inspired/exhorted several of my friends to take up rewatches of an old beloved, or tentatively but open-mindedly try again in the case of those who weren't impressed their first attempt through. And this is how I made my positive impact upon the world.

Fuck it, I'm talking more about Twin Peaks: Basically what it comes down to is, if I were offered the existence of a hypothetical Twin Peaks spinoff that featured virtually any random combination of Twin Peaks characters and locales, I would absolutely give that show a chance.

I just discovered Tarkovsky, and feel like a total dipshit for taking so long. Oh, and I wondered if you didn't have a moment to talk about Miami Connection? Here, I have some literature about it.

Music. One of my hobbies is mining the internet for deep, rich veins of obscure 60s garage/psychedelic rock, especially foreign stuff. Not to say that's all I enjoy! In particular I am obsessed with the music that was being produced in Cambodia in the early 70s, though to call it "psychedelic" or "garage", as it is often called, would display a mere filmy surface appreciation for it.

Food: I recently had a breakfast of eggs fried over medium and a nip of scotch. It was the most macho breakfast I've ever had.
I eat a lot of eggs in general: at least four a day normally. If you are a pro-life chicken we shouldn't date.

I like my meat funky a la goat. If I could have a lifetime supply of one food product, it'd be Aardvark sauce. My favorite drinks are, in order, Islay whisky, bourbon that tastes like corn, and the inimitable Gin Ricky. To me, Coke Zero Cherry is what Coke tastes like.

Portland fare I've enjoyed greatly: Farm, Tarboush, Genoa, Loneseome's Pizza, Golden Horse, Higgins
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. My keyboard with the "meow" setting
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
I guess I already covered part of that in the summary. So there's that whimsical stuff and then also the DISTANT BUT APPROACHING MURKY TERROR OF THE FUTURE

Oh, and also etymology. Chances are non-trivial that I will interrupt our conversation with a tentative musing about some word's origin, then whip out my phone and pop it into, then proceed to regale you with that word's origin and any other interesting ones that show up in the search results. I hope you don't find this annoying.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Tuesday night, which is the work night before my two days off, seems like it has been becoming by-myself-party night, which I'm pretty excited about.

Actually most nights I'm up from 2PM to 6 or 7ish in the morning, so I have a lot of what could be termed by-myself-parties. Partying usually involves creative endeavor though, so it's cool.

On that note, I guess this is as good a point as any to link to my Soundcloud page:

The majority of what's on there is what I've termed "shitbeat" and can be thought of as a musical diary I'm keeping. Not recommended for human ears, but listening to it (with cranked headphones please! I'm not good at proper mastering) would make you a sport.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I don't like bodies of water, and have only the most rudimentary swimming abilities. Indoor pools kind of freak me out and even the smell of chlorine puts me on edge a bit. My mom is the same way.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Check your inbox: I already messaged you.

But really, you should message me. I even respond to your lame messages sometimes. But get a move on, because I'm reasonably certain that there are like 3 or 4 women at my work who have a crush on me.

I am pro normal adult stuff like coffee or whatever, but if you just want to sit outside and graze on edible flowers or smoke pot and crack up uncontrollably to Steve Brule, those aren't things I never do.

Add a photo to:

Stay fresh with Instagram

Are you sure you want to delete this album?

Where's your photo?

Drop it like it’s hot

Photos must be at least 400 x 400px
Edit thumbnail
Add a caption

You look fantastic!