I am not at all sure about all this ' Profile ' lark. I reckon I could get as good a response walking round Elephant Green/ Grantchester [ where I live ] with a Sandwich Board. No matter. If any woman wants to drop me a line I promise to respond with more than one line, in recognisable English and with ' such wit as would quick'st unbutton, thee, Madam '. [ Webster ]. Well. Hopefully.

Getting divorced. My wife has found Jesus. Sorry. In case you think you have misread that, I will repeat. My wife has found Jesus. Remember him? Christmas? Cross? Creator of the Universe? Ring any bells? [ Forgive me. Was he lost? ] And he rates ahead of me. Well, he would, wouldn't he given what he has going for him. Mind, if I owned the universe I would try to make a beter fist of it. Perfectly amicable.

Profile? In a nutshell? One kind - and satisfied - lady described me as ' a hetrosexual Stephan Fry '. I rather like that, though I would have preferred Don Giovanni. He came to a sticky end. And I don't fancy dating Statues. I haven't much time for Fatty Fry. Overweight; over educated; over exposed, all over my TV screen know all Oxbridge Poofta with an irritating grin like Bagpuss on heat!! OK; OK I am Cambridge too...I am open to the same ,,, But I am slim.. And desirable!! And not a faggot!

And as another lady reminded me, whilst having a little dig at the predictable female clientele of this otherwise excellent site : ' Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is beyond rubies '....... [ Proverbs. 31:10. for the churchgoers out there ]. Trouble is I'm not really interested in virtuous women. Boring. If I wanted to date a nun I'd visit Martin Luther's website. I've had enough of virtuous women and am all virtued out. I want to claim my five minutes of fun. I want a temptress...a mischevious little She- Devil by the tail. By the way I wonder how many can recall Andy Worhol's full quote...? ' Five minutes of fun...Fifteen minutes of fame..... And fifty five minutes of freedom...!?' Think about it.....

Quintessentially, whatever I say elsewhere : Want to chat with any women. Need some female companionship, see. I love women. I've found they are different from men. Really. Yes. Really. Sadly, I now have come to admit I know so very few of the alluring and fascinating creatures with whom we men share this planet. OK. OK....So I do know rather more than a few.... In truth I know a lot....In fact, a great many...But not the type I want to know!! If you get my drift. I want to know women....you know...You know what I mean......Like... You know...Like women men like to know...Like a certain type of woman....Like... ooooohhh you know what I mean....Like sort of... a fallen...? BAD!! Woman! In fact if I am truthful,..... I want a very Bad woman. The Badder the better! In fact........a serial SINNER and ADULTRESS!!! In fact I want...,,,,,,,,,,,a serious, career.....JEZEBEL! Yes a...**!XXXX!***......!^^^****!!!!!!!!! [Ooooooooooh you naughty Boy!! [ THE MODERATORS ] Censored by site! Triple X!...OVER 18s ONLY..xxx! ].... Puts me in mind of the matchless Mae West in a film, I think it was with Ronald Coleman? ' I only stays married to you, you jerk, so's I can enjoy Adultery!!'.... Priceless! Now there's a REAL woman!! That's the kind I want!

Sorry... Just joking. I can't resist a tease..But I do want a woman who thinks sex rates above shopping and shoes. Fine, I appreciate that rules out around ninety nine per cent of the female population, but hope springs eternal in the human breast.....

Seriously...By BAD, I mean enticing; indisputeably, very, very, unmistakably female and just a touch......dangerous; rather ...than evil. There is a distiction, as anyone who knows the story of Adam and Eve will appreciate. Eve got a bad press. OK. She was a tad dippy, but that serpent has questions to answer and certainly did not behave like a gentleman... Conclusion? Ladies, : Don't take advice from talking snakes! Regrettably, women the world over have not learnt this lesson even to this day and probably beyond...

Having said that, reading my profile, by the way, comes with a health warning. If you do not comprehend fully the meaning of the undervalued words ' facetious '; and ' capricious ', you should heed the words of Butler Yeats : ' Cast a cold eye... and, Horseman, pass by '. For what it is worth and for anyone who may be remotely interested, I tend to gravitate towards women who appear to have something of the mutinous minx about them; bubbly; effervescent; intellectually curious and the equal of her partner; challenging ; wickedly ambivolent and keen to explore what Andrew Marvell, ' the Cavalier ', called ' the rapture of concupiousness '. In short, I am much more likely to contact or respond at length to those with an obvious streak of the Mermaid, or Siren rather than someone rather more frosty and judgemental; not to mention those who raise a monumental yawn by showering the world with excruciating, toe curling cliches......' Walks on the beach....Nights in......Romantic meals for two....' PASS ME THE SICK BAG, PRONTO...!!! I say this to spare any such latter spending her precious time ploughing any further through my profile. In short the woman with whom I am most likely to connect emphatically does not use the space between her ears for keeping goldfish and is likely to take a pragmatic rather than an overly romanticised view of life. One who may be described in the eighteenth century [now deemed sexist ] parlence of Brinsley Sheridan's Squire Sir Anthony Absolute as..:
' ...a dash devilsh lively filly!, B' dammie, Sirrah! Frollicks fit to tempt the wrath of God and kicks like a Coach horse..!! And duce'd handsome too, Sir. B' Gad...! But ain't she handsome...! Devilish handsome! I shall have her in my stable, Sirrah! See to it if I do not!'..... [ The Rivals ]. And, to please the Feminists amongst you, he also gave all males the world over sound advice when he declared ' A man, Sir, takes a wife for property and procreation. For his pleasure, Sir,....... he takes a comely Mistress '....Ahhhhh! The good old days. When men were men. And women were glad of it!

Any who feel they fall into this catagory, do please get in touch. You will not be disappointed. As for those who don't and particularly those who are looking for what in technical language may be termed, ' a cocoa and slippers ' relationship ', may I suggest your time may be better spent on others less adventurous; or a year's subscription to ' The Mills and Boon Magazine '.

Oh yes. I forgot to add. I'm not very PC. So, pleeeeeese, please, please don't automatically class me as a ' Player '!! That truly dreadful, hackneyed, worn out and insulting term some women have for any male who does not conform to how they think men should behave and particularly if they don't fit neatly with preconceptions. In my book a ' 'Player ' is one of eleven heroes who take the field at the' Theatre of Dreams ' each matchday to play ' The Beautiful Game ' and has little or no meaning beyond that. Whatever else you think of my Profile, it IS an honest and accurate portrayal of how I see myself.

What I'm doing!?.....Er what might be termed, My Best! Took very early retirement. Very early due to legacy. And also having upset the College Dean [I taught History at Sid's here in Cambridge and was for a while C.L M Cadbury Fellow in The History of Christian Literature ] I left with his foot behind me. Be warned in the world of Oxbridge College society, you may upset your wife; you may upset your Bank Manager; you may even upset God.... But you should never.... never! upset the Dean.

I have written a book, ' The Quartermaster's Boy '. about my father, ' Th' Da ' who was a respectable Galway farmer by day. And, by night, acted as Quartermaster to the local cadre of the South Galway Brigade of the B'Hoys; the ' Mehan Collineach ' in Galway Gaelic. Murderous Bandits. [ Local speak for the IRA. That's Irish Republican Army, by the way...You know... Nationalists... Criminals... Killers...Public Assassins... But big, lovable, cuddly pussycats when you get to know them...And, also the ' Officials ' as opposed to the ' Provisionals '. There is a big, BIG difference. If you don't know you could get yourself into serious, mortal, life terminating trouble ]. Its with an Agent who has got me a publisher. A black comedy. And I mean Black. BLACK..?? And Comedy?.....You could not invent it! YOU COULD NOT INVENT IT!!!! There were more guns stacked in our top barn than at Fort Apache! Meanwhile she has also got me a commission to write the Libretto for a Rock Opera, ' Viva! Viva! Rock an' Roll! ' based on an incident in the early career of Chuck Berry when he was arrested and imprisoned in Fort Levenworth Penitentiary and Kentucky State Reformatory Hospital for violation of the Mann Act Code - kidnapping and rape of a white minor by a black man across the State Line- and given halucinatory drugs to cure him of being Black... and a Rocker. So I suppose I can call myself a writer. Well , that's all I have time for at present. That do?

Do you really want to know?
Supporting Manchester United.
Worshipping Manchester United.
Adoring Manchester United.
I'm very good at that. Oh yeah. Forgot to mention, I do have a few lines to do with European literature; music; culture; etc, etc. Also an expert in North American society with which I am totally in love...I'm planning to go live in New York...
But nothing to compare with God's Eleven :
Manchester United! In fact I am reticent about getting involved with a woman unless she is fully cognizant of ' The Offside Rule ' The ultimate arousal!! And will spend hours speculating on the tactical advantage of 4-4-2, as opposed to 4-3-1' and understands the meaning of ' Midfield Penetration and Zonal Defending '. If not, and you enjoy instead, say, rather talking Vergil's ' Aeneid '? Or the current situation in Zimbabwe? Or Dante's ' Divine Comedy? ', no worries. OK. As long as you have stupendous legs. Preferrably with stockings and minimum seven inch killer stilettos ]

' Not quite Richard Gere. But , Wow! No way like Quasimodo either! ' as one lady put it. Oh....After we open our mouths to speak intelligently, you mean?..... OK....Witty? Well, so I'm told. If so I'm flattered. Others may find me flippant. I can't help it. Must be something to do with being Irish. Stuffed shirts really do get on my tits. Notably English stuffed shirts. Yes. They really do get on my tits. As a matter of fact, they really get.....Oh, no bother. Mind ,as the same lady as above also said of me ' Loads and loads and loads of fabulous fun............ Hang onto your hats, Girls. And your knickers!!'.... Saucy Mare! Disgraceful!! Actually, in current terms of ladies' lingerie, a subject on which I am an internationally recognised authority, I think she meant ' thongs '! That's those funny, frilly things women wear around the waist; helps to keep the divine Miss Kitty safe and warm and hidden from prying eyes.

Too numerous to list. But music would certainly include Chuck Berry; Ellas McDaniel [ Bo Diddley ]; Little Richard; Jerry Lee Lewis... Pete Townshend [ of the WHO...whom I actually know ]. Any Opera.....And Britten and Janacek....? Dvorak, especially ' Danse Slavonic ' which utterly captivates me time and time again..; Aaron Copeland; Mozart...and Elgar... Harrison Bertwistle....Jon Adams.. At risk of sounding obfuscating, I have little time to read books as I am too busy writing one. But quintesssentially, Frank Fitzgerald : .... ' The Great Gatsby ' ... ' Tender is the Night ' ... Both stunning products, masterpieces of a tortured, flawed, humanity...; Steinbeck; Anthony Burgess, God Rest His Soul [ Er ... I feel, unlikely ] whom again I actually knew so long ago in Manchester, as Jack Wilson..His real name.....Poetry? John Donne! Always John Donne, the divine John Donne. And Andrew Marvell, the Cavalier, Master of the erotic.. From ' To His Sweet'st Mistress, Sleeping. Alone. Abed ' ]

' Fling open the Gates of the Palace of Venus
And let me trespass, alone, Madam,
Into that bawdy Cathouse thou keep'st twixt thyn legs!
For see the stoat is out the sack!
And now will there be such sublime mischief, Madam,
Whence I flood thee with mine endearment.....'

Gets my vote for amongst the most enticing, beckoning sexual arousal in verse, Shakespeare notwithstanding...

For those less versed in verse, I will translate into Essexspeak : 'Ere, Doll. You know them skimpy fings yous keep 'itchin' up? Drop 'em, Darlin'! Right down round yous ankles. Right now! Right!? An' I'll show you a dog wot bites....!' [ From Phil Mitchell's Poetic Collection ' A Bunch of Pansies '].

Er.. Yes. i am sure there are many women who would swoon at being so addressed... But if so, time to jump ship now as I am emphatically NOT the one you seek for that cosy, romantic evening in Basildon......

And also .......Carew...;Herbert?...; Southey; Burns..; Hopkins.. ; Yeats [ urgh! In small doses ]. Heeney....; Dylan Thomas.....; John Cooper Clarke.....that deranged, gobby old Salford reprobate..

And now for something completely different....

' Enjoying a bite, on a bench, in the park,
Out from the bushes jumps John Cooper Clarke!
He rapes me! He robs me! Rips my throat to die slow!
Just John Cooper Clarke's way of saying ..., Hello!

Shouts: ' The Pope is a paedo!The Queen is a twat!
Fuck 'im an' Fuck 'er! An' Fuck this an' Fuck that! '
Please don't take offence. He's the Devil you know.
He's just John Cooper Clarke, and he's saying...., Hello!'

Full fashioned by Nature for doing hard drugs,
He's done more Class A than ten Ronnie Woods!
He founded ' Friends of the Needle ', and shot up with Nico,
' Jolly John ' Cooper Clarke, and he's saying...., Hello!

He's murdered his mother! He's buggered his Pa,
Ran over his brother, pissed, stealing his car ....
He's kidnapped his sister and won't let her go....
But that's just John Cooper Clarke's way of saying..., Hello!

Queerbashing one night in the City of Spades,
He pulls one poor poof and infects him with AIDS!
A whole generation wiped out at one blow!
Simply John Cooper Clarke's way of saying...., Hello!

I could go on, but....it gets a tad dark and ' uncomfortable '. Just the finale.

' So beware what you wish for! Take care how you go!
And do not pass judgement on those you don't know...
Or one sublime second at the height of Ego...
There's a tap on the shoulder. And a voice says........' Ello! ' '

Food? Anything that was running around recently. Meat, for me, should be slightly cooked to raw. Exotic ? Being at Cambridge, naturally I have tried Swan, which is not unlike rotting linoleum. Which goes to show the filthy, foul tempered, bone idle featherbags that clog up the Cam really are worse than useless. You can't even eat them! [OK, OK. You can strangle them, strip off their down and stuff a pillow, but that's about it ]. Actually I understand in Ancient China , swan beaks were found to form the perfect shape to provide ' stimulation ' for the Court Concubines awaiting the attention of the Emperor. Honest.

I regard anything green as an attempt to poison me. I like wine. And as we all know, because Oberon Waugh has told us : ' Wine is red. It comes from France. And its popular name is Claret '. The rest is a monstrous hoodwink. Though, of late, I have come to appreciate the alluring qualities of an obscenely large Burgundy.

Would love to watch films etc, and I really did enjoy ' Once Upon a Time in America......' Sergio Leon.... [ ma fave film, as Vicky Pollard might say. But again, no. That is reserved for ' From Here to Eternity '. Fred Zimmerman's breathtaking portrayal of American life on the eve of Pearl Harbour, about to go into a tailspin. Based on the James Jones novel... Montgomery Clift; Ernest Borgnine; Burt Lancaster; Deborah Kerr; and Frank Sinatra. Utterly without equal, emotionally; politically; socially. I still watch it and stare at the blank silent screen when it has finished ]. New York! New York! ... Its a wondeful town....Th' Bronx is up.... But the Batteries Down.....; OK Movies. I just don't have the time. Do watch TV films out of professional interest and I would list Mad Men; The Sopranos; The Wire; and the second series of Broadwalk Empire as masterpieces of superb scriptwriting..Ohooo super scripting really does hit the G Spot for me! I tend to go for things that are of outstanding ' literary engineering ' quality. I love dialogue. most notably in the vernacular. Which is why I always look to the United States for inspiration. New York! New York! Its a wonderful town,...The Bronx is up... But the Batteries down...

My children
My tackle
My wits
My wine
My free Dining rights in College
My Wife... .Er,..... no. No. No. No. Cancel that! Definitely! By God's Bowels!!!! Cancel that.. Instead insert, Hope of some future, consumate, divine and satisfying female companionship!
Six? That's the one after five but before you get to seven? Right? Just in case I have got this wrong - I was never fashioned by God to exploit the Mathematical Sciences - I would add:
Football.
And Travel. In truth I absolutely love to travel. Notably to and from Old Trafford; and to all Away Games. Its fantastic. You get to see so many new, wonderful and exotic places, Grimsby; Liverpool; Southend....And meet such intelligent and kind new friends. [ Except in Liverpool ].

Sex. But then that makes me the same as everyone else. More generally I have to concentrate on getting the next scene/line/chapter out. Or I probably won't get paid. And by the way, I have filled in my income with circumspection in case the Tax Man is on line looking for a date. And, oh, yes. When I've mopped up all my divorce fall out, I've a mind to go live in New York. Dr Johnson it was who quipped ' He who is tired of London, is tired of life'. But recall also ' You have never had a life unless you have lived in New York'. I said that, by the way. ' The City that never sleeps!! '. Or maybe I am thinking on the best piece of hard nosed advice I have ever heard, from Mine Lord Protector Cromwell. Asked by Praise God Barebone to justfy his command to keep the army at standby despite victory in the English Civil War at Naseby, replied : ' Yea, Trust in God, yet dosofore keep your powder dry and your pistol where it may be handily had ,...... ' Really good advice that. Think about it.....Really good advice. Hey! Here's another fine piece of advice to think on. Going to his death the Executioner said to Danton, ' Monsieur. You who have been at the heart of affairs that have shook the world... Do you have advice for that world as you go to your death....Answered Danton ' Indeed I do Monsieur. Never trust a man who does NOT get drunk!! ' He was thinking of Robespierre, of course, the abstemious pecksniff puritan from Arras who had sent him to the Guillotine. I'll stop there. But, if you want to ask me, I'll quote the best piece of political advice, given by Tallyrand....' If you want to survive in the world of politics learn only to cooperate with the inevitable.... Should you wish to succeed, however, Smile as you do it....' The devout and pious priest and Bishop of Autun who served nine diametrically opposed governments in France between 1787 and 1836 and makes the Vicar of Bray look like a model of constancy, gave this advice whilst drinking fine wines and gambling, enjoying a hand of Whist at his favourite brothel, Madame Kandinsky's in the Rue Des Cloches. I am sure you will get the message.

In. Mores the pity. Thinking about going out. But staying in because no bastard has invited me out. If I got asked out I certainly would not stay in. I would go out but what's the point of going out when you have nowhere to go but in? So you stay in. And don't go out. If some leggy blonde [ Brunette, whatever ] said do you want to come in? I would be straight in. Seriously, get it out, straight up and in. I think that's better than going out! And that's why I think its better to go in than out! I don't want to get into the ins and outs of this, as you just get inside out. But, on reflexion, I would prefer to be in than out! Actually, there's a lot to be said for staying in alone. You can do really cool and exiting things, like a jigsaw! That do?

A lady has reminded me that I once made love whilst trying to explain football's Offside Rule. Very arousing. The wonderful girl then complimented me on my performance and declared she now understood how it is possible to score but have it disallowed. Which is what, in effect, according to her, I had done. Cheeky floosie!

Also that after a successful career for over thirty years, I've just discovered... or rather rediscovered SEX!! Hey, listen, I'm told its fantastic! Strangely, I rarely if ever use it in my writing. Now what does that tell you about me? [Dunno. You tell me ]. Don't worry. I'm not evangelical about it. In fact, if I'm truthful, I'm not evangelical about anything; poor, sad creature that I am. Apart from Manchester United, that is. United! United! We are the Champions!!!!
Arsenal....? Isn't that a Tube Station?

Also, at Cambridge, I was member of the Jacobite Club. [ A Dinning Club. Much more powerful and influential at Oxford ]. Those committed to the restoration of ' The Pretender and the Old Religion '. On the anniversary of his birthday we met for a scrumptious dinner in the Regency splendour of the top room of the Old Eagle, one of Cambridge's ancient, and most fabled soi disant ' taverns ' , close by King's and we lifted our glasses and cried in unison ....' Judicat Deus.. Fiat! Causa justitia est, ....!....Hussar!!!! [ Trans: Let God be my judge for My Cause is Just!! ] The Jacobite Toast..... Then again another......' Regardez! Non Changez! Hussar!!! [ Trans. Seek no change! God Save King James! ] Used to support the first Jacobite rebellion of 1715. And then another toast to ' The Damnation of the House of Hanover! ' and ' The death and denigration of the Protestant Whore ' [ Queen Mary, of William and Mary; but I have to say also taken to refer to our present Queen... ].

Then we would meet again, to celebrate also the annivesary of the death of King William [ of Orange ] killed by falling off his horse having struck a mole hole... Cried the President [ In my time the heir to the Duchy of Northumberland, Lord Harry Percy ] : ' I give you Gentlemen, ' [ No women were allowed ] ' the little creature in the furry waistcoat!.... The Mole!! ' Huge applause.... Hussar!! Hussar!! And embraces.... and the sound of smashing glasses in the firegrate. I'm a tad sheepish about admitting to this. It leaves credance to my left wing principles. Frankly a more repulsive gaggle of delusional, well heeled Right Wing scoundrels was never assembled on English soil. Nearly all Roman Catholic Ultras. Most of them are now in the Tory Party. I still have my hand made Jacobite Toasting Glass. With the little mole wound round the stem....On the birthday of The Pretender, I still get it out [ the glass that is ] and raise a toast,' FIAT!' , with my sad little take away meal in a plastic dish, by the light of a solitary candle and extol : ' The Pretender and the old religion...' ......all alone,......How sad is that!!?

Actually, I think that's actually three things. Go for the Jacobite Club. Sex is understandable and I'm so proud of being a loyal United supporter. By the way do you know the most famous [ infamous ] current United supporter?... Abu Qatada!!! Seriously. He claims Islamic fundementalism isn't the only fanaticism he espouses since his time as a boy in Jordan when he so loved football.

You want. Or you have a mind to collapse laughing. Or you wish to say : Ring up Jesus! I've found someone else!! Hey listen at Jesus College here in Cambridge, the Porter's Lodge always answer the phone : ' You are through to Jesus '! Again, You could not invent it!

Do you think I've said enough? I think so. Bit too much? I'm a writer, for God's sake. What do you expect? Mind I'm pretty reliable if you like getting talked to in bed... Like when you are mounted.....for example. So message me if you enjoy exchanging pleasantries whilst astride. Or perhaps, better, you wish to hear of :
' delicious lasciviousnes
And such spente sentances as would coax thee, Madam,
To deliver up thyn utmost clymax in one clawing rench
And reach, for heaven...'...
[ Andrew Marvell, the Cavalier. ' To His Sweet'st Mistress, Alone Abed ' ]

Or maybe you just love Chuck Berry. I'm amazed. I've been on this site for almost a year and met some really trainstopping women, many of whom I remain in touch with to varying degrees. Leaving aside the, mercifully few, ignorant ones who simply don't have the courtesy to utter even a monosyllabic acknowledgement to an approach, I've found the women on OKC to be supprisingly responsive; effusive in some cases and a fabulous hoot. But WHY....WHY....does no female list Chuck Berry amongst their musical icons? As near as dam it he can claim to be the single individual [ if there is one ] who founded Rock and Roll..... Is he a male only Rock Zone? So why do so many female Rockers - Suzi Quatro; Souxsi; Tina Turner; Madonna even! - name him amongst their most telling influences? I need to know this as I am writing a libretto about the guy and for purely financial reasons, I don't want it to fail. Answers on a postcard please. Cybercard. Care of OK Stupid! It should find me.

Bye. [ Slante ]

PS. Must add. I tend to get replies from women who are seemingly quintessentialy and qualitatively different from the vast majority of those using this site.