(7:53:47 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: wow i love mr rogers

(7:54:40 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: am reading a book that a journalist wrote about the deep friendship they shared

(8:00:12 PM) friend: hmm cool

(8:00:16 PM) friend: well writen?

(8:00:21 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: yeh :)

(8:01:02 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: "i'm proud of you" by tim madigan

(8:06:15 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: it has extracts of a bunch of their letters, and context

(8:06:23 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: here's one on friendship:

(8:09:15 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: "I'm glad I was home this morning to share your pain [at the death of your friend]. Thank you for calling. In one of your letters, you put it better than I ever could. 'Real friendships work both ways. Your trust confirms my trustworthiness, your love, my loving.' Hence, this is a bittersweet day for me - the day the world lost Henri Nouwen in the flesh, and the day I heard a bird sing outside my window on a spectacular autumn morning, the day a true friendship deepened even more.

I close with something that will be familiar to you [from Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Friendship"]:... "The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed: there is no winter, and no night, all tragedies, all ennuis vanish - all duties even, nothing fills the proceeding eternity but the forms all radiant of loving persons. Let the soul be assured that somewhere in the universe it should rejoin its friend, and it would be content and cheerful alone for a thousand years..."

(8:11:47 PM) friend: hmmmm,

(8:11:52 PM) friend: sounds an interesting book

(8:11:55 PM) friend: :)

(8:11:57 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: :)

(8:12:14 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: btw, "n. ennui
Listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest; boredom: "The servants relieved their ennui with gambling and gossip about their masters" (John Barth)."

(8:12:18 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: had to look it up :P

(8:15:02 PM) friend: wow I dont know that one

(8:15:03 PM) friend: good word

(8:15:17 PM) friend: I dont know the exact pronuceation though :S

(8:15:41 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: not sure too many others would know it either though ;)

(8:16:35 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: the book actually talks a fair bit about death and life (both spiritual and physical), in stark contrast with each other

(8:17:24 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: and many small, sweet intimacies

(8:17:59 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: such as when tim madigan, the author, was given a christmas gift of his son's 5th place award

(8:18:48 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: because on the day of the races, he told his son that he was more proud of him getting up to finish the race, after tripping several times over the hurdles

(8:18:59 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: than when his son won first place in the straight sprint

(8:19:11 PM) friend: hmm thats a fair point

(8:19:13 PM) friend: I think I would be too

(8:19:28 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: mm :)

(8:19:43 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: but his son actually gave his dad the 5th place prize, which makes it so much more personal and sentimental :P

(8:19:47 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: for christmas

(8:20:05 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: this is in america, and races were probably held in the summer

(8:24:25 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: ooh, here's a better quote (originally from Henri Nouwen's "Bread for the Journey"):

(8:26:20 PM) My Dearest Lovely One: "A friend is more than a therapist or confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness. A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, 'Isn't that beautiful,' or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us...

...There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves - our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives - large parts of ourself remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is in the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born."

The Dance
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living. Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!" Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache. And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart. Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are, And see who I am in the stories I am living. And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day. Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are. When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!" Just take my hand and dance with me.

---------------------------------------------

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to
be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can
disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

I had an interview with another family that went extremely well today - ended up playing with the older one for about 1 1/2 hours. The older son is 5 years old, he's got a great imagination, and he loves building stuff. The younger one is 22 months old, but he's very good for a young toddler. The mum will be interviewing a couple more babysitters, but it's likely that will mostly be for show. Here's a message I just wrote to her:

Hello N :)

It was lovely meeting all of you today, and I wish you the best in finding the perfect babysitter! Regardless of your decision however, I had a think about L's' insecurity and came up with some way of explanation for him. It's probably a bit much all at once, but I hope it gives you some good ideas :)

"L, do you sometimes get a bit [angry/sad/afraid] when I spend time with O? I've noticed that you sometimes [run over/frown], and you don't look very happy. But you know what? Part of the reason I spend so much time with O is because I'm helping him to be one of your best friends ever. When he gets older, maybe when he's 3 or 4, he's going to be so much more fun to play with, and I hope you're going to have lots of adventures together! And he'll be small enough to fit inside your spaceships with you, not like Mummy or Daddy!

And you know what? Babies need a LOT of love. They're still very little, so they don't remember things as well as we do. We have to keep teaching, and keep being there, over and over, just like I did for you when you were a baby. Or else they may forget! They may forget that we love them, that they don't have to be afraid, that we will take care of them because they're not big enough to take care of themselves yet. And this is very important, because when they trust us, they usually listen. Remember when O [did something], and it (might have) made you really [mad/sad/hurt]? And then Dad/I stepped in, and told him to stop? We may have had to keep telling him, and he may have cried a bit, but that's because he was trying so hard to listen. Babies need lots and lots of practice! And it does hurt when we can't get our way. Just like when I needed to talk to Kat, and we asked you to wait outside. That was hard, wasn't it? But you did wait outside, for even more than a minute! You also took such good care of O, swinging that bucket around to make him laugh. I am so proud of how you're growing up. You're getting so big now, and you're such a good big brother to O!

There's a story I'd like to share with you: A long time ago, in a different place, in a different family, there was also a little boy, his mum and his baby brother. The mum also had to spend lots of time with the baby, and sometimes that made the little boy felt so lonely and a little bit afraid. So one day, after the mum had put the baby to sleep, the boy asked his mum: "Mummy, do you miss me?"

The mum wasn't sure what he was talking about, so she asked: "What do you mean, love? Did I miss you when you and Dad went shopping yesterday?"

The little boy furrowed his brow, like this [make a face! :P], and looked really serious, like he was thinking reaally hard. Then he said: "No, I mean, do you miss me when you hold my baby brother?"

Now it was the mum's turn to furrow her brow, like this [make a face! :P], and look really serious, like she was thinking reaally hard. I am not entirely sure what the mum said, but I think it may have sounded like this: "Well, my love, yes and no. Yes, because I love your [hugs/kisses/smiles/laughter/hearing your ideas], and they always make me glad. But no, because I know you love me and that you'll always be there for me. You'll always want to be there for me, even if you can't actually be around. I remember all the little things about you, and remembering helps me feel better until I can play with you again. And I also know I never have to wait that long!"

One of the best things you can do in a situation like this, which I think you've been doing quite well, is to believe you're doing what's best (<--disclaimer for OKC readers: please, please, please, by whatever goodness you believe in, make sure you're truly not being a dick before believing you're 'doing what's best'; scour for your options). This will help them to trust your decisions and test the boundaries a bit less firmly! As I said before, kids do have to learn some painful things, but I can see that you and your husband have done an excellent job and that they are excellent children.

Your children may have 'high' emotional needs, but it's not out of excessive fear/denial, and their spirits haven't been dulled by learning to repress their feelings. They are very bright and receptive, and it would be my pleasure to help them grow up.

Oh, and if he really likes what you tell him, you could even make a book out of it. Get him to draw faces, feelings, adventures and anything else that takes his whim! Or search for pictures to stick inside. :)

Warm regards and best wishes,
Kat

ah, COoA. childhood is such an amazing time where people start building their self-concepts, the foundations on which they seek to exist in the world. and people try so hard, are driven way beyond explanation/awareness, to know (about) themselves. to know that they're loved.

and here, an absolutely brilliant talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Housemate arrives home and yells out that he brought something home.
Me: "What? Did you say loot or lube??!"
Me: "Oh wait, you said food. You brought home food."

COoA: this city... it has it's own culture, it's own feel

COoA: the motto of the city is "keep it weird"

My Dearest Lovely One: is it... in a good interesting way?

COoA: sometimes...

COoA: living here, the attitude of the people, it reminds me a lot of

COoA: in college, there were these random student organizations

COoA: they would get together and do random events

COoA: like, they would all dress up in costumes and act goofy

My Dearest Lovely One: mm :P

COoA: that's what it reminds me of

COoA: i love creativity, and individualism

My Dearest Lovely One: but is it secular?

COoA: but goofiness for the sake of goofiness never appealed to me

My Dearest Lovely One: mmmm

My Dearest Lovely One: not all the time, at least

My Dearest Lovely One: is it goofiness as a way to truly let go, come together and enjoy, or is it more of an escape, a rebellion?

COoA: escape, rebellion, a counter-culture

My Dearest Lovely One: :(

COoA: against the conservative norm in this region

My Dearest Lovely One: ick

COoA: and that's why it bothers me so much

My Dearest Lovely One: so it's not so much 'being true to oneself', but a somewhat/overly rigid act of scorn. a twisted thing.

COoA: yesssss

My Dearest Lovely One: mmm.

My Dearest Lovely One: showing a lack of consciousness and inner strength

My Dearest Lovely One: by its need to conform (to the counter-culture)

My Dearest Lovely One: i'm reminded of a quote by rilke

COoA: there's a lot of conformity here that i wasn't expecting

My Dearest Lovely One:

"My dear Mr. Kappus,

I don't want you to be without a greeting from me when Christmas comes and when you, in the midst of the holiday, are bearing your solitude more heavily than usual. But when you notice that it is vast, you should be happy; for what (you should ask yourself) would a solitude be that was not vast; there is only one solitude, and it is vast, heavy, difficult to bear, and almost everyone has hours when he would gladly exchange it for any kind of sociability, however trivial or cheap, for the tiniest outward agreement with the first person who comes along, the most unworthy. But perhaps these are the very hours during which solitude grows; for its growing is painful as the growing of boys and sad as the beginning of spring. But that must not confuse you. What is necessary, after all, is only this: solitude, vast inner solitude. To walk inside yourself and meet no one for hours - that is what you must be able to attain. To be solitary as you were when you were a child, when the grownups walked around involved with matters that seemed large and important because they looked so busy and because you didn't understand a thing about what they were doing.

And when you realize that their activities are shabby, that their vocations are petrified and no longer connected with life, why not then continue to look upon it all as a child would, as if you were looking at something unfamiliar, out of the depths of your own world, from the vastness of your own solitude, which is itself work and status and vocation? Why should you want to give up a child's wise not-understanding in exchange for defensiveness and scorn, since not understanding is, after all, a way of being alone, whereas defensiveness and scorn are a participation in precisely what, by these means, you want to separate yourself from."

Short film based on her poem 'victim': http://movingpoems.com/2010/09/victim-by-nicole-blackman/

Daughter, by Nicole Blackman (if you'll click on just one link, choose this): http://www.flickr.com/photos/anotherthessalian/552490206/

Litany by Billy Collins: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/litany/

Also, fuck you okc journal entry formatting. and retarded html shit. seriously, wtf:

"background-color: initial !important; clear: none !important; color: inherit !important; display: inline !important; float: none !important; font-weight: inherit !important; font-family: inherit !important; line-height: inherit !important; width: auto !important; position: static !important; top: 0px !important; right: 0px !important; bottom: 0px !important; left: 0px !important; opacity: 1 !important; border-top-left-radius: 0px 0px !important; border-top-right-radius: 0px 0px !important; border-bottom-right-radius:"

(italics = main points)

relevant comment that was made some time ago by someone else:

"The one idea which keeps resonating in my mind is that I'm not there to shield [my child] from the world; but just to serve as his guide."

COoA: i love the rebellious trait
My Dearest Lovely One: hm? :P
My Dearest Lovely One: of not just accepting what i'm given?
COoA: well, you or any of us
My Dearest Lovely One: yes :)
My Dearest Lovely One: it is what keeps the spark going
My Dearest Lovely One: in people's eyes
COoA: it makes me wonder though, if an entire society learns how to interact with children in a more nurturing fashion... what will we learn from it?
COoA: will we eventually reach a point where, we can interact with younger generations with complete mutual respect?
My Dearest Lovely One: inner peace and happiness
My Dearest Lovely One: we would interact as person to person
COoA: or will younger generations always continue to rebel against older generations
My Dearest Lovely One: i doubt it, or at least, not more than within healthy, 'normal' interactions
COoA: i feel like we're much closer
My Dearest Lovely One: like the way i am with my kid
COoA: but will there always be that power struggle?
My Dearest Lovely One: i'll continue to mold to her, as she molds to me and matures
COoA: where will it neutralize?
COoA: who will be the policy makers?
COoA: what age range?
My Dearest Lovely One: even now, there isn't too much of a power struggle. i help her see the options and let her choose, like when she doesn't want to drink water even if it may help her not to get sick. it's her choice, since she already understands what it's like to be sick. if she wants to wear her winter PJs in summer even after i tell her she'll get sweaty and hot, sure, she can have her own way. it's not like anything bad is actually going to happen, and the undesirable effects are easily/quickly remedied. this way, she gets to learn through experience and gain a deep, genuine understanding of 'consequences'. but when she hits people, that's when i draw the line
My Dearest Lovely One: and even then, it's not so much about me against her, it's me telling her about a boundary that ideally everyone should follow
My Dearest Lovely One: and it will be good for her to learn, in case the situation is reversed. i want her to strongly believe that she shouldn’t accept certain things, that there are better alternatives, that she should and CAN seek them out.
COoA: okay, so answer me this question:
COoA: what if she wants to get a tattoo?
My Dearest Lovely One: now?
COoA: yes, now
COoA: what if she wants to start her own business? or buy a car?
COoA: or... travel? on her own?
My Dearest Lovely One: she's 4 years old
My Dearest Lovely One: well, i'd explore all the consequences with her, as much as she can handle
My Dearest Lovely One: if she understands it all, keep it all in her head and make a decision based on that
My Dearest Lovely One: then perhaps
My Dearest Lovely One: but at this stage, i doubt she has the mental capacity
COoA: the reason i give you these prompts is because i'm curious how these questions will be resolved as our society changes to allow children more freedom and more respect
My Dearest Lovely One: mmm :)
My Dearest Lovely One: there are physical limitations
COoA: and there are mental limitations as well :)
My Dearest Lovely One: yes
My Dearest Lovely One: we have to meet them on their level
My Dearest Lovely One: and i'd tell her about when exactly "she'd" be able to meet the requirements
My Dearest Lovely One: so she has something to go by
My Dearest Lovely One: to track when she gets to meet her goals
My Dearest Lovely One: she's got a very strong will :)
My Dearest Lovely One: i am nurturing and guiding it
COoA: <2
My Dearest Lovely One: i gives her lurves <2
My Dearest Lovely One: yesterday she wanted to throw away the tickets we got. 
My Dearest Lovely One: her mum and i wanted to save them (which she didn't care about). she was reaaaaaaaaaally tired and it was pointless trying to reason with her.
My Dearest Lovely One: so i kind of hid the tickets
My Dearest Lovely One: and then we made tickets for her to throw away
My Dearest Lovely One: tickets to fairyland, since she loves fairies
COoA: :D
My Dearest Lovely One: she drew on them, coloured them in
My Dearest Lovely One: chose which bin she wanted to throw them into
My Dearest Lovely One: i gave her the idea of scrunching them up before throwing them away
My Dearest Lovely One: she was quite happy after that. ah, the power of validation. and it's the accumulation of simple, everyday events like these that build the strongest, happiest bonds.

 

COoA: but what if she wants a tattoo :D
My Dearest Lovely One: well, because of their symbolic meaning in society
My Dearest Lovely One: and also other children not having them, or potentially making fun of her
My Dearest Lovely One: or if she changes her mind
My Dearest Lovely One: and the cost
My Dearest Lovely One: i'd let her get lots of fake ones first
My Dearest Lovely One: and if she really, really persists
COoA: "or if she changes her mind" <-- this is the one i think about
My Dearest Lovely One: mmmm
COoA: how much can we protect children against themself morally?
My Dearest Lovely One: if she's not willing to stand by it
COoA: we can lock them in the house, so that they will be "safe"
My Dearest Lovely One: "safe"? safe and lacking the necessary stimulus to grow or flourish as a whole person
My Dearest Lovely One: but back to the other point: if she wants to use the same tattoo for a few months, applying it over and over again

COoA: but how many months of that must she go through?
COoA: and why?
COoA: it seems like any age we choose for these decisions is arbitrary

My Dearest Lovely One: well
My Dearest Lovely One: symbolic meaning may be one
My Dearest Lovely One: abstract thought develops later
My Dearest Lovely One: ehh
My Dearest Lovely One: i suppose if people were allowed to get tattoos at any age
My Dearest Lovely One: then it wouldn't be a big deal
My Dearest Lovely One: but people do change a lot over the years of growing up
COoA: exactly :)
COoA: and how much "protecting against themselves" must we do?
COoA: as responsible, nurturing adult figures
My Dearest Lovely One: whereas during adulthood, things are more stable
My Dearest Lovely One: also, the attention span and willingness to go through the pain of getting a real tattoo
My Dearest Lovely One: and physical growth will morph the tattoo
COoA: that seems like the best consequence to illustrate :)
COoA: children need to understand how much they will change (physically, mentally, emotionally), especially through puberty
My Dearest Lovely One: mmmm. could demonstrate this by sticking a fake tattoo she likes onto a balloon before blowing it up, saying: "i know you think it's beautiful, and to help you keep *real* tattoos beautiful, you have to get them after you'll stop growing so fast [stated in helpful, positive terms and validates her desire]. otherwise, it will get stretched and yucky like this [concrete demonstration before her eyes]. but, if you really want, you can still have stick-on tattoos for now [reasonable alternative offered]. [then, if she's into it, get her excited about how much bigger she's going to grow. tell her that when she's about as big as mummy, or when he's about as big as daddy, then they can decide on getting a real tattoo again - re: giving children something solid to go by, to track when they get to meet their goals. maybe even get them a little book so they can explore the kind of tattoo they want, and where they want it on their bodies. do research on all the strange places they can get tattoos on, inundate and excite the child with all the choices they'll get to pick from when they're as big as mummy or daddy. make a field trip of it, take pictures in tattoo parlors, talk to tattooists. if anything, we have the balloon example to fall back on, and it'll make a great story for them.]"
My Dearest Lovely One: :)
COoA: therefore, certain decisions that may dramatically affect one's life should probably be reserved until after the body/mind/emotions develop
COoA: hmm, trying to think of more examples
My Dearest Lovely One: lip/ear piercings aren't affected by physical growth
My Dearest Lovely One: i think
My Dearest Lovely One: maybe other piercings as well
COoA: let's move away from the body then

COoA: let's say that there is a group of children that are quite obviously troublemakers, and your child immediately befriends them
COoA: how much say should we have over what children they socialize with? and why?
COoA: as parents/guardians/elders
My Dearest Lovely One: i would consider how strong-willed my child was, how potentially street-smart, how much personal wisdom and sense of self my child had
My Dearest Lovely One: and assertive
COoA: what if they are incredibly strong-willed and yet not wise?
COoA: what if you see potential problems from them having those kinds of relationships, but the child does not? how does the conflict resolve?
My Dearest Lovely One: then i would go through all my thought processes with them
My Dearest Lovely One: it's not about saving my feelings and just doing things because i say so, it's about facts (which i will try my best to be realistic about, and not overexaggerate). and i'll help them come up with contingency plans, just in case, to minimise any damage. to a significant extent, people have to become wise through experience.
My Dearest Lovely One: and maybe i'll invite their friends over for parties and sleepovers a few times
My Dearest Lovely One: so that they'll know i have my kid's back
COoA: sharing experiences :)
My Dearest Lovely One: mmmm
COoA: that seems to solve a lot of problems
My Dearest Lovely One: get on their good side, make them have more reason to take care of my kid and themselves

COoA: acting as mentor to the group as a whole
COoA: reinforcing trust, honesty, etc... mmm
COoA: it's fun picking your brain

 

My Dearest Lovely One: especially if they're really young
My Dearest Lovely One: or in early teens 

My Dearest Lovely One: but
My Dearest Lovely One: i think just seeing a good, genuinely mutually respectful parent-child relationship will help
My Dearest Lovely One: give hope, less reason for anger 

My Dearest Lovely One: an emotionally safe and highly supportive environment
My Dearest Lovely One: actually, there have been lots of studies with high school children
My Dearest Lovely One: and overwhelmingly, 'problem kids' will 'become better' when someone gives them a hand
My Dearest Lovely One: and breaks things down for them in a clear, supportive, genuinely caring (and deeply understanding/empathetic) way
My Dearest Lovely One: but without being a pushover. or labelling persons, rather than simply actions or thought processes, as bad, a threat, something to be feared, punished, controlled at all cost (even implicitly). it’s what people are hungry for, even in adulthood, even when they’ve become jaded and tired of disappointment.

"Age and treachery will always win over youth and beauty."

Treachery, youth AND beauty, y'all. <3

um, not studying atm. just casual work, so my life is reaaally cruisy. i'll go back to studies probably in semester 2 next year.
what do you like more - working or uni?

working gives practical experience and instant results and a chance to test the theory out but uni is more intellectually stimulating. i am building up my energy levels, so that i can actually concentrate on uni and squeeze out every last drop of how i can put the theory into practice <3

it's so so nice to speak to someone who is passionate and wants to work hard :)

it's actually sad most people seem to have the attitude just passing is good

because they haven't had the chance to concentrate on or settle what's really important in their live. they're either not really living for themselves, or they're yet to form meaningful bonds with others/hobbies (that make them cherish being alive and want to work hard to upkeep a good life). or they feel so lacking in certain areas that they simply expect the 'unfair world' to make it up to them, feel entitled to it.

it's sad

mmm. but it can be overcome and when it is, it means a lot. there's hope yet, all your friends are quite young. it was that same guy i was telling you about, the guy who discovered that he's biologically straight - he said that it was strange, seeing his friends change so dramatically over the years, from the time they were 18-24.

change howso?

you've all only just begun to live your lives, to discover your true selves and beliefs and attitudes. i think one failing of raising children has been how narrow-minded and limited we teach children to be. how we pidgeonhole children as 'innocent' and 'to be protected' from certain things, and then as they grow older they have to unlearn the thought that they should deny and distance themselves from aspects of life. there are too many baseless 'taboos' that are 'embarrassing', or worse, 'too dangerous and unacceptable' to even talk about seriously. kids don't get the chance to build up an understanding of anything real about those things.

absolutely right

here's an analogy with alcohol: in france, kids are brought up drinking wine as a casual affair, they're taught to appreciate the quality of its taste. they're given responsibility from young not to abuse it. then as adults, or teenagers, they behave responsibly with alcohol. whereas in other countries where there's a huge stigma about alcohol, there's a huge polarity among teenagers. many abuse it, and many wholeheartedly reject it

the vast majority abuse and the minority who don't are socially isolated

mmm i'm reminded of a quote about integrity and basically following the middle path:

"Unfortunately, when you react against something that is "sinful", you will often go to the other extreme, and you can get into as much trouble as you were in before. You can jump from the frying pan into the fire, or as I often put it, throw out the baby with the bathwater.

...Since integrity is never painless, reformation is much more difficult than revolution. Whether the... movement is going to be saving or damning will come down to whether it is a movement of revolution or of reformation--whether it can motivate the people attracted to its new ideas to do the painful work and practice the discipline required not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, to integrate the best of the new with the best of the old." - M. Scott Peck

"Is not this capacity for joy the most precious fruit of the civilization that is ours? A totalitarian tyranny, too, might satisfy us in our material needs. Except that we are not beasts to be fattened. Prosperity and creature comforts alone could never fulfil all our needs. For those of us brought up to believe in human respect, the simplest encounters often bear the heaviest meaning.

Human respect! There is the touchstone. For as long as the Nazi respects only what resembles him, he respects nothing but himself. In rejecting contradiction he destroys all hope of man's ascent, establishing for a thousand years in its place the robotism of the ant-heap. Order for order's sake castrates man of his essential power, which is to transform both the world and himself. Life creates order, but order does not create life." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

TED talks: 

Sir Ken Robinson: Do schools kill creativity?

Tony Robbins: why do we what we do, and how we can do it better - "I'm proud of human beings, because they get excited to contribute once they've had the chance to experience it not talk about it"