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29 Des Moines, IA Man


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I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 25–35
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My details

Last online
Online now!
6′ 3″ (1.91m)
Body Type
Has dogs
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Above all else, I have fun. Sometimes at your expense.

I'm prone to radical cosmetic changes.

I'm pretty big on really intense conversations at the moment. Mostly because I'm fucking horrible at small talk. I can tell how you're doing. We both feel the weather. Both our jobs are boring. Let's cut the bullshit and talk about something that matters, like our collective mental health or why quantifying happiness is the essential downfall of our generation.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Right now I'm focusing on being a pretentious shitbag and writing a stupid book that will never get published. Ask me about it. To supplement this pipe dream, I work for a Hy-Vee distributor. It's mostly soul-crushing, but I tend to revel in misery, so it works for me.

Sometimes I drink and play board games with friends. Other times I drink and watch movies with friends.

The rest of my time I waste beat-boxing at my roommate's dog until he starts barking at me.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Picking up on social cues.
Making people laugh when they have liquids in their mouth.
Pretending to be serious.
Shaking my head, turning to a stranger, sighing, and whispering, "white people..."
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My immaculate posture.
The moderately offensive thing I just said.
My loud and discomforting laugh.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I already said I'm pretentious, but in case you need more proof...

Top 5 Books:
5. Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
4. Ubik by Philip K. Dick
3. Light in August by William Faulkner
2. Falconer by John Cheever
1. An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
Currently reading: Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

Top 5 Movies:
5. Solaris
4. Persona
3. Tokyo Story
2. The Passion of Joan of Arc
1. In the Mood for Love
Most recently viewed: Six Ways to Sunday

Top 5 Musicians:
5. Stevie Wonder
4. Bill Withers
3. Van Morrison
2. Otis Redding
1. John Darnielle/The Mountain Goats
Currently digging: DJ Koze

Top 5 Podcasts:
5. Stuff You Should Know
4. WTF
3. Uhh Yeah Dude
2. My Brother, My Brother, and Me
1. You Made it Weird
Recently binged: Dead Authors Podcast

Top 5 Standup Comedians:
5. Jen Kirkman
4. Pete Holmes
3. T.J. Miller
2. John Mulaney
1. Hannibal Burress
Currently laughing at: Paul F. Tompkins
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Pizza
2. Beer
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
That shitty inspirational quote, "You only regret the chances you didn't take."

A lot of people see that as an invitation to take more chances, y'know? Like, it's better to try and fail, loved and lost, blah blah... But everyone analyzes it from the perspective of knowing that you missed a chance. Like, "Oh man, I totally should have talked to that boy/girl when we made eye-contact at the orgy. My life would be totally different." But I think the quote is saying, "We only regret the decisions we didn't make, but we should be regretting the decisions we didn't know we could."

What about the person who didn't make eye-contact with you at the orgy? What about every possible permutation of every possible interaction. What about the mathematically insignificant slice of infinity we inhabit? What about the infinitely significant trajectories our futures hold?

How do we rectify our desire in the face of perceived fate? Or fucking universal perfection for that matter? Why are WE, these fallible emotionally flawed shells, in charge of crafting utopia?

I swear I'm fun at parties.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Making fun of strangers.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
One time, instead of apologizing to a woman for cutting her in line at Fong's, I asked her, "Oh my God, did you tattoo your face?"

One time I drank gin from a plastic bag.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You can keep up with me in a conversation.