Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Some of you may laugh at me because you already figured this out,
but I had a bit of an epiphany while I was working tonight. You
know that annoying thing women do where they explain all their
problems and then get mad at you if you try to help solve them? I
get it now. It's all part of empathy.
I really dislike when someone tries to defuse a situation. Like, if
I get mad at you because I think you're being petty and I call you
out, don't fucking say, "I'm sorry," or change the subject. That's
fucking rude. I have decided to be angry, and you're trying to make
me not angry. You should, instead, help me be angry. Just like, if
you're depressed, you don't want someone to come and cheer you up.
That's patronizing, and a little arrogant. You just want someone to
agree with you about how shitty and pointless life is.
So the next time a girl complains to me about Tina from accounting,
I won't say, "Well maybe you should just avoid her." Instead, I'll
say, "Tina sounds like a fucking bitch."
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Right now I'm focusing on being a pretentious shitbag and writing a
stupid book that will never get published. Ask me about it.
Other than that, I go to open mic shows, work a shitty warehouse
job, drink beer, play nerdy games, and enjoy a near-constant state
The rest of my time I waste beat-boxing at my roommate's dog until
he starts barking at me.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Picking up on social cues.
Making people laugh when they have liquids in their mouth.
Pretending to be serious.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My biting wit.
My loud and discomforting laugh.
The stern visage of indifference.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I already said I'm pretentious, but in case you need more
Top 5 Books:
5. Nostromo by Joseph Conrad
4. Ubik by Philip K. Dick
3. Light in August by William Faulkner
2. Falconer by John Cheever
1. An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
Currently reading: The Assistant by Bernard Malamud
Top 5 Movies:
3. Tokyo Story
2. The Passion of Joan of Arc
1. In the Mood for Love
Most recently viewed: Apocalypse Now (for the hundredth time)
Top 5 Musicians:
5. Patti Smith
4. Bill Withers
3. Van Morrison
2. Stevie Wonder
1. John Darnielle/The Mountain Goats
Currently digging: Todd Terje
Top 5 Podcasts:
5. Stuff You Should Know
3. Uhh Yeah Dude
2. My Brother, My Brother, and Me
1. You Made it Weird
Recently binged: X Files Files
Top 5 Standup Comedians:
5. Jen Kirkman
4. Pete Holmes
3. T.J. Miller
2. John Mulaney
1. Hannibal Burress
Currently laughing at: Chris Gethard
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Example: Why is there more than one charity for each cause? Is this
a market that benefits from competition? Does one charity only
sponsor the super-dope cancer doctors while the others just give
some money to a couple of dudes in a garage? Let's consolidate our
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Trying to write, but ultimately succumbing to my unyielding desire
to watch some shitty movie on Netflix. Occasionally I can be found
making fun of people at a bar.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Mean Girls is my actual favorite movie. No. Wait. Big Trouble in
One time, instead of apologizing to a woman for cutting her in line
at Fong's, I asked her, "Oh my God, did you tattoo your
One time I drank gin from a plastic bag.
Sometimes I get really paranoid and think I have developed a lazy
eye that all my friends are too polite to tell me about.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
Fuck, I don't know?
Message me if you think I look like a dead relative.
Or if you want to make fun of strangers.
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