30 Des Moines, IA
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My self-summary
I am a permanent work-in-progress.

I'm a perpetual irony engine. I'm constantly reminded that I could be doing something important with my life, while also knowing everything is universally meaningless.

I feel most at home at the checkout line in a grocery store. There's something perfectly comedic about watching teenagers cope with the impatience and self-importance of suburban white women.
What I’m doing with my life
I spend most of my time ignoring the howling, vacuous infinity of space. Which is a poetic way of saying that I drink alcohol and talk to friends about stuff.

Right now I'm also focusing on being a pretentious shitbag and writing a stupid book that will never get published. Ask me about it. To supplement this pipe dream, I work for a Hy-Vee distributor. It's mostly soul-crushing, but I tend to revel in misery, so it works for me.
I’m really good at
Depressing people
Making people laugh (as an autonomous reaction to rapid introspection)
Crossword puzzles
The first things people usually notice about me
Whatever the male equivalent of Resting Bitch Face is
My inability to maintain eye contact
And once a month, the Kim Jong Il shirt I'm wearing. It was a gift.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I already said I'm pretentious, but in case you need more proof...

Top 5 Books:
5. Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
4. Ubik by Philip K. Dick
3. Light in August by William Faulkner
2. Falconer by John Cheever
1. An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
Currently reading: Stupid comic books.

Top 5 Movies:
5. Solaris
4. Persona
3. Tokyo Story
2. The Passion of Joan of Arc
1. In the Mood for Love
Most recently viewed: Season of the Witch (I'm working my way through 'How Did This Get Made')

Top 5 Musicians:
5. Stevie Wonder
4. Bill Withers
3. Van Morrison
2. Otis Redding
1. John Darnielle/The Mountain Goats
Currently digging: Prurient

Top 5 Podcasts:
5. Stuff You Should Know
4. WTF
3. Uhh Yeah Dude
2. My Brother, My Brother, and Me
1. You Made it Weird
Binging: How Did This Get Made

Top 5 Standup Comedians:
5. Jen Kirkman
4. Pete Holmes
3. T.J. Miller
2. John Mulaney
1. Hannibal Burress
Currently laughing at: Paul F. Tompkins
The six things I could never do without
1. Pizza
2. Beer
I spend a lot of time thinking about
That shitty inspirational quote, "You only regret the chances you didn't take."

A lot of people see that as an invitation to take more chances, y'know? Like, it's better to try and fail, loved and lost, blah blah... But everyone analyzes it from the perspective of knowing that you missed a chance. Like, "Oh man, I totally should have talked to that boy/girl when we made eye-contact at the orgy. My life would be totally different." But I think the quote is saying, "We only regret the decisions we didn't make, but we should be regretting the decisions we didn't know we could."

What about the person who didn't make eye-contact with you at the orgy? What about every possible permutation of every possible interaction. What about the mathematically insignificant slice of infinity we inhabit? What about the infinitely significant trajectories our futures hold?

How do we rectify our desire in the face of perceived fate? Or fucking universal perfection for that matter? Why are WE, these fallible emotionally flawed shells, in charge of crafting utopia?

I swear I'm fun at parties.
On a typical Friday night I am
Making fun of strangers.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Mostly that thing about crying myself to sleep, but also one time, instead of apologizing to a woman for cutting her in line at Fong's, I asked her, "Oh my God, did you tattoo your face?"

Oh, and one time I drank gin from a plastic bag. That was a good night.
You should message me if
Witnessing the entropic death of the universe is your ideal first date.