I am an unparalleled master of the tuba, can scale sheer cliff faces bare-handed, and can bake thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. My deft floral arrangements have earned me international fame in botany circles. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran of love, and an outlaw in Peru.
I am a cubist painter, a black belt in karate, and a ruthless bookie. I have been the ninth caller and have won the weekend passes. I breed prizewinning clams. Once I prepared an extraordinary four-course meal using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I play bluegrass cello, have been scouted by the Mets, and have been the subject of many documentaries. Children trust me.
I dance, I frolic, I dodge, I weave, and my bills are all paid. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at The Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Yet here I am on OKCupid.