You know those guys that go to the gym and insist on dropping their dumbbells on the floor after every exercise as though they (the guys, not the dumbbells) were members of Satan's infernal menagerie and the dumbbells' handles were meticulously crafted from the bones of dead Popes and slathered in Mother Teresa's saliva? I am the diametrical opposite of those dudes; their dudely ways are anathema to me.
I've been known to climb a rock or two in my day. I was once a sprightly young lad with the strength of, uh, one man; in the twilight of my wasted youth I rattle bony fists at the heavens, seeking REDRESS for the grave injustices of age, all the while beating on, a boat against the current, borne back ceaselessly blah blah blah.
(Actually, I'm still a solid boulderer. Ha ha, jokes!)
My face looks about five years younger than it should*. Ladies with a preference for strategy over tactics, take note. *wink* (oh god what the hell are you even writing here) I'm not on that Dorian Gray trip, though, so you don't have to worry about my face suddenly taking on the appearance of hot wax dripped onto burnt leather if we go on a date. Though that would be a wicked party trick. No, we cannot "try it out."
* A fact that caused a modicum of awkwardness when I was 20. When people ask your boss why she's hiring 15-year-olds, that is a problem.
My voice is acrobatic -- I have some serious range. If I could sing worth a damn,** maybe that would come in handy. I can make some deliciously odd sounds, though, so I'll take solace in the knowledge that I'll probably make an especially spooky ghost (Can ghosts haunt other ghosts? This is a burning question. It burns with something that burns really bright. And hot).
**Addendum: Apparently, I have a respectable falsetto. I unleashed it one recent night (while inebriated), and a dear friend of mine looked at me, wide-eyed, as if she had never seen or heard me before. I'm not gonna lie, it was a wonderful experience.
This is my favorite joke:
"A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her."
I like people who are strong but kind, who have a bit of an edge but aren't so caustic as to melt the flesh from a man's bones. More lemon juice, less battery acid. If you enjoy physical activity, that's a mark in your favor.
And now, a list of true facts:
-- I'm a sucker for redemption narratives.
-- I'm an autodidact.
-- That said, I know very little (well, in a relative sense).
-- I eat healthy meals . . . most of the time.
-- Quiet at first, talkative later.
-- I enjoy absurd humor.
-- I like kids, but I'm not sure I want any of my own.
-- Late Spring and early Fall make me happy.
-- I'd rather be hot than cold.
-- Showers are amazing. Baths are amazing. I do fancy my ablutions.
-- I learned to read when I was 2. I might have peaked early.
-- I hate escalators with every fiber of my being.