If you'd be interested in hearing a sample of my radio show, click on this. It will give you a reasonable idea about how my mind works.
I do a lot of sideways thinking which is why my profile is the way it is. Here's what I ponder.
1-Do you think that King Kong's hairdresser is Vidal Baboon?
2-Do you think that Alexander Graham Bell Polanski was our first telephone pole?
3-Is your favorite seafood dish Salmon Rushte?
4-Is your favorite seafood dish piano tuna?
5-Have you ever crossed 50 female pigs with 50 male deer and gotten 100 sows and bucks?
6-Are you so ecology minded that you only use low lead pencils?
(What did one pencil say to the other pencil? Right on)
7-Have you ever thought that if there was a strike at the Caterpillar factory, there would be a shortage of butterflies next summer?
8-Do you think that Rosanne Barr should be declared our 51st state?
9-When someone asks your birth sign, do you say "railroad crossing"?
10-Have you ever dated a guy from Montana who was a real Butte?
11-Do you think that eskimos get polaroids?
12-Are your favorite foreign languages, French, Russian, Italian and oil and vinegar?
13-Have you ever thought that if Cher performed with her twin sister, the act would have to be called Cher and Cher alike?
14-Have you ever thought that the reason that John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married was so they could have Japanese Beatles?
15-If you were a cartoonist and jealous of Charles Schultz's work, would it be known as Peanuts envy?
16-Have you ever thought that if you were feeling Goofy, you should leave Disneyworld immediately?
17-Have you ever thought that if the Clampett's dog on the Beverly Hillbillies was run over by a truck and served at a fast food restaurant, it would be known as Patty Duke?
18-Have you ever thought that if the Bee Gees are from Wales, why don't they have a blow hole?
19-Have you ever wondered why Oral Roberts couldn't teach his dog to heal?
20-Did you think that Mr. Ed and Wilbur had a stable relationship?
21-Have you ever thought that if Ronnie Howard made a movie about the Dutch, it would be known as Mr. Opie's Holland?
22-Have you ever said to Siamese ornathologists, I really like your cockatoo?
23-If you threw a pre wedding party for your girl friend and everybody at the party smoked dope, would they all be known as shower heads?
24-Have you ever thought that if you read "On Golden Pond", you would Thoreau up?
25-Have you ever thought that if Bullwinkle had an African American girl friend, she might be a chocolate mousse?
26-Have you ever thought that your typewriter was pregnant because it skipped a period?
27-Have you ever thought that the head of the California Lettuce Grower's Association was Romaine Polanski?
28-Have you ever thought that the Wright brothers couldn't have oriental parents because two Wongs don't make a Wright?
29-Do you think that Don Ho was the name of a prostitude in the movie the Godfather?
30-When you wash your hair, do you use shampoo or real poo?
31-Have you ever thought that a cross eyed school teacher would have trouble keeping her pupils straight?
32-Have you ever thought that Tarzan could be an addict because he always had a monkey on his back?
33-Have you ever tried to write a drinking song but, couldn't get past the first two bars?
34-Have you ever thought that if a cowboy's horse stopped, he might be having injun trouble?
35-Have you ever thought that you should take a job in a bakery because you kneaded the dough?
36-Have you ever thought that a cannibal who consumed his mother's sister would be an aunt eater?
37-Have you ever thought that Tarzan should never play cards with his monkey because his monkey may be a cheetah?
38-If a camel can go for ten days without drinking water, how long would he go if he drank some?
39-If you made a breakfast cereal out of chopped parakeets, would it be called "Shredded Tweet"?
40-Why do interior decorators walk like that?
41-Is it my imagination or does George W. Bush's mother look like George Washington?
42-Among all athletes, do basketball players make the worst lovers because they dribble before they shoot?
43-If you crossed a parrot and Vincent Van Gogh, would you get a bird that would talk your ear off?
44-If Fedex and UPS merged, would the new company be called Fedup?
45-If Harriet Beecher Stowe married Napoleon Bonaparte, would her name be Harriet Beecher Bonaparte?
46-If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, would her name be Ella Vader?
47-If you had venereal disease of the nose, would you have a case of snifilous?
48-What would happen if Tiger Woods putter malfunctioned?
49-If one rodent saved another rodent from drowning, would the one rodent give the other rodent mouse to mouse resuscitation?
50-If McDonalds had a hamburger called the Hearstburger, would nobody buy it if the patty was missing? (dated material)
52-Have you ever thought that if you were dating a contortionist, at some point you might have to break it off?
53-Have you ever thought that if Xerox and Hammond merged, would they make reproductive organs?
54-Have you ever thought that if you were eating dinner in a Chinese restaurant in Germany, in two hours you would be hungry for power?
55-Have you ever thought that if you went to a nudist colony, the first three days would be the hardest?
56-Have you ever thought that if you got an apartment over a bank, that now your assets over ten million dollars?
57-Have you ever thought that if a crazy railroad engineer shot a passenger, he would have to have a locomotive?
58-When doing carpentry, do you bite your nails?
59-Would you not date a prehistoric man if he had dinosaurs?
60-Is Julia Childs your roll model?
61-Have you ever said, "I'd like sushi better if it was cooked a little longer"?
62-Do you think that opera singers should have aria codes?
63-Do you think that depressed plumbers ever think about sewercide?
64-If a manic depressive was also a nudist, would he be a bipolar bare?
65-If Jim Morrison was a homosexual and nobody knew, would he be a closet door?
66-If a male smoked an excessive amount of marijuana and developed fully developed female breasts, would it give a whole new meaning to the term "drug bust"?
67-Have you ever thought that a school for belly dancers would be called the naval academy?
68-Did you ever think that if you wrote a book about insects that you shouldn't release it until you got all of the bugs out?
69-Have you ever thought that if you swallowed a roll of film that something serious might develop?
70-Have you ever thought that you could communicate with a fish by dropping him a line?
71-Have you ever thought that you'd have trouble being a candle maker if you could only work on wick ends?
72-Have you ever thought that if you were a guy who was dating a female midget, that you'd be nuts over her?
73-Have you ever thought that if your left side was paralyzed,
you'd be alright now?
74-Have you ever thought that if 250 native American maidens had mastectomies, they'd be the Indianippleless 500?
75-Have you ever met someone who was so stupid that they smoked the crack in the liberty bell?
76-Have you ever thought that if you were a gay weaver, you'd be a fruit of the loom?
77-Did you ever think that a restaurant on the moon would have no atmosphere?
78-Have you ever thought that if a doberman took Viagra, he'd become a pointer?
79-Have you ever thought that if a guy took Viagra and it stuck in his throat, he'd have a stiff neck?
80-Did you ever think that marriages were like fat people because they should work out?
81-Have you ever thought that Justin Bieber was the daughter that Cher wished she had?
82-If Viagra loses market share to Cialis, would it be because of stiff competition?
83-Have you ever thought that at a sperm bank that there'd be substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
84-Have you ever thought that a masturbating steer could be called beef strokin' off?
85-Have you ever thought that the Silicon Valley was a great place to get breast enlargement?
86-Have you ever thought that if you were sexually harassed at the company that makes Doritos, that you might be getting a Frito Lay?
87-Have you ever thought that a Hispanic woman with no legs would be called Cunts Way Low?
88-Have you ever thought that an abortion in Prague would be a canceled Czech?
89-Have you ever thought that the soup du jour might also be the soup of the day?
90-Have you ever thought that a school for belly dancers would be called the navel academy?
91-Has someone ever asked you the meaning of life and you said it was the cereal that Mikey liked?
92-Have you ever thought that it would take a Karen Carpenter to build a Karen?
93-Have you ever thought that if a male astronomer said to a girl, "I want to explore Uranus", that she should worry?
94-Have you ever thought that a Dairy Queen was a gay milkman?
95-Did you ever think that the ultimate magic trick would be if you were walking down the street and you saw a guy turn into a restaurant?
96-Have you ever thought that the number one gay male pickup is, "Let's get something straight between us".
97-Have you ever thought that a Klondike Bar was a place where Alaskan lesbians went to drink?
98-Have you ever sworn to God that you were an atheist?
99-Have you ever thought that the main difference between a porcupine and a BMW is that with a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside?
100-Have you ever gone to a Chinese restaurant and gotten a fortune cookie that said, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory"?
102-Have you ever thought that if your poured beer on Kelloggs Rice Krispies that they would go snap, crackle and burp?
103-Have you ever thought that if you fall off of a dock that it might be because of pier pressure?
104-Have you ever thought that the best thing about dating an Australian woman is that you can touch her down under?
105-Have you ever thought that asphalt could be rectum trouble?
106-Have you ever thought that if a classical musician wasn't very good, that he might go Baroque?
107-Have you ever thought that if you were stoned in school, you could be a dilated pupil?
108-Have you ever thought that a sexual climax in Sweden would be a smorgasm?
109-Have you ever thought that an inkling was a baby pen?
110-Have you ever thought that Amtrak worries about berth control?
111-Have you ever thought that if you played a musical instrument by ear that you might need surgery?
112-Have you ever thought that in the Cuban version of Wheel Of Fortune that the host would be Havana White?
113-Have you ever thought that the last thing that went through Dennis Wilson's mind was a minnow?
114-Have you ever thought that if there was a Karen Carpenter special at Kentucky Fried Chicken that all you'd get would be skin and bones?