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Guava_Hero

43 Lake Forest, CA Man

Man

I’m looking for

  • Women
  • Ages 38–45
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Today – 2:20pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 11″ (1.81m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Anything
Smokes
Drinks
Desperately
Drugs
Religion
Agnosticism, but not too serious about it
Sign
Education
Graduated from university
Job
Sales / Marketing
Income
More than $1,000,000
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Has kids
Pets
Speaks
English (Poorly), Urdu (Okay)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
~~ Profile Best Read while listening to this~~ http://youtu.be/OYws8biwOYc

"The Devil made me do it the first time. The second time I did it on my own"

ME Me me:
I photographed fighter jets over the pyramids, raced mountain bikes in Oregon and was a bowling prodigy by age 10. Dogs like me / I like dogs. Laundry is my kryptonite and 1950's vintage decor is my canned spinach. The trash man comes too early and Seattle summer comes too late. I tend to overpack and love lima beans (until I found out I am allergic to them...aargh!). I want an al paca farm and a Victorian house with a secret poker/cigar room behind a bookcase smack dab in the middle of Seattle. I can hit a curve ball, dressed up as Dracula for Halloween 3 years in a row and I paint...poorly. I prefer lists in bullet form and I'm inked.

My enemies would describe me as a useless waste of human flesh that feeds on the weak and torments the old. Foes are systematically eliminated.

Friends would describe me as a prick who never answers his phone. But, I love them and they love me.

Not Seeking:
An overly spray tanned, makeup plastered, mammoplasty popping, short dress/high heel stumbling, collagen lip sporting woman. She has a keen attraction to shiny objects, blinged iPhone attached to right earlobe, and gravitates towards colorful alcohol. Complete sentences are deemed optional, consider Kardashians goddesses and acknowledging public servants disgusts them.

For scientific purposes, if spotted, please photograph, note location, time, date and send to me. I am tracking the migration patterns of these unusual new species. [From an Anthropological perspective I am fascinated with this class of woman. Though I would never ever seriously date this breed, I would most definitely enjoy a date like I would enjoy a date with Rush Limbaugh's twin sister.]
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
To keep bacon in the fridge and scotch on the shelf, I provide small businesses information/ideas/techniques to streamline their business. Mostly, this involves marketing stuff, advertising strategies and sales tracking.

Creative answers to unique problems...hmmm, I like that line, my new mantra.

I was not-so-recently laid off from a company that rhymes with fuckyousoft and made the decision to stay away from the big biz world (despite the healthy pay.)
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Eating thunder and shitting lightning!
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
How F'n awesome I am. People sense from miles away that they are about to embark on greatness. I'm the opposite of a black hole; I shoot orbs of coolness gifting all passers with a sprinkling of life fullness, knowledge of suburban 80's rap, and the difference between Apes and Monkeys.
or
People notice I'm the village idiot.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
PODCASTS:
The Moth, Stuff You Should Know, Adam Carolla, WTF, Freakonomics, Stuff you missed in History class, TED Talks, Risk!, Science Fridays, Star Talk with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, BBC World Service, Hollywood Babble On, Stuff Mom Never Told You, Radio Lab

MUSIC:
Ray Charles is the master and Jack White rocks the rock. I get funked up on Parliament and old Stevie Wonder, then chill to Marley and local country/folk. When feeling destructive, I listen to Rage Against the Machine, Korn or Milli Vanilli. Eddie Vedder-my homey. The Black Keys, Ting Tings, Die Antwoord, Beastie Boys (RIP MCA) and Patrick Sweaney can be followed by a dose of Dave Brubeck and NWA. Waylon Jennings, Loretta Lynn and the White Buffalo begin my morning hoedowns.

TV:
Comcast has been avoided by streaming Netflix documentaries, indie flicks and foreign films to my big ass flat screen TV. I rock!

I'm an omnivore

PLAYS:
Recently saw the musical play "Avenue Q" and loved it. My all time favorite play is Phantom of the Opera. Sometimes I need to simply blast this F'n song while I sit still, close my eyes and think in the dark.
http://youtu.be/S88rkpPu8_g

COMEDIANS:
Louis C K
Don Rickles
Phyllis Diller
Chris Rock
Paula Poundstone
Jim Carrey
Conan
Matt Stone & Trey Parker
Tim Conway
Tig Notaro
Eddie Murphy
Ellen
Mitch Hedburg
So many more. I have left a ton off, but have tried to keep the list to the most influential at the many ages of my life. I feel bad that Carol Burnett was left off. Shit...even Dice Clay had a huge impact and how do I not mention Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? What about Adam Carolla and George Carlin? Fuck
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
The two little girls who share my last name and want me to grow out my hair so they have more to style. awwww, sweet!

I have those little glitter squares embedded into the popcorn ceiling, oh, and asbestos.

Imagination

Therapy

Humor

Quarters
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What/who do blind people fantasize about when lying alone in bed and jerkin' it?

Answer Five questions in a message to me? (10 points each)

1. What is in MY freezer (meaning me, the place you do not live, MY ice cube oven)?

2. Scientology is?

3. If you could have one super power it would be?

4. Humor is muy importante. Please name your top three all-time sitcoms?

5. Your favorite body of water is?

6. This profile is?
a. The Best Ever!
b. Ridiculously Hilarious!
c. I'm in LOVE!
d. Majestic and God Like!
e. Idiotic Babble
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Coloring, fixing my teleporter, grooming my unicorn, sipping adult beverages, completing my weekly jumping jacks, laughing, and wondering how "ing" came to be.

Why not just place the underutilized "x" at the end of the noun or verb? I would then be colorx, fixx, groommx, sippx, completx, jumpx, laughx and wonderx on a Friday night. How much more do those words kick ass? But no, we Americans decided to change words like colour to color, humour to humor, realise to realize and favour to favor. WE ARE 'MERICA!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I have Jazz hands

and

I shat myself. I’m not proud and quite frankly, am quite embarrassed, so why share with the women I am trying to court you ask? No clue, but if you can get by this…we may be compatible.

[History] I have two little girls who have continually asked for a hamster, but I was always able to deflect the request because we had two cats. And, cats hunt rodents. But, after my divorce, my new house, and lack of feline crawlers, my kids (smartly) reminded me that I had no reason to deprive them of their childhood rodent rearing responsibilities. Out of divorce guilt, I succumbed and bought an amazing hamster maze, more extravagant than my own living accommodations. Unluckily for me, I was the proud new parent of a very judgmental, large cheeked, Golden Hamster named Stripey. [Little do my kids know but that fuckin' hamster died two weeks after i bought it...and I replaced it without them knowing. Another story indeed]

Flash forward 6 months, I’m feeling a little guilty one Sunday morning because that nighttime wheel running mutha fucka had been holed up in the kids room for a couple weeks and therefore, I placed Stripey into her clear plastic ball and allowed her to roam around the house while I lay (fuck you grammatical people for judging my use of lay,lie, lying, layed, i have no idea the appropriate way) on the couch, watching football, and tending to my throbbing head. Stripey gets caught up here and there, and I helpfully kick the cantaloupe sized exercise ball to a more rolling friendly avenue every time I stagger to the fridge for a hair of the dog beer, vitamin water, or just to stare blankly inside wondering why I went to the fridge in the first place.

In my hungover defense, remember, I was recently divorced and Saturday nights without kids was a completely new phenomenon and I lived this new freedom to the fullest living la vida loca and yes, I understand this is an outdated term, but i was simply reverting to my early 2000 suave.

So, while lying on the couch watching/listening to Americas bloodsport and wishing the hangover fairy would make her way over and cook me a greasy breakfast, I launched a few harmless toots toward the back of my couch. The previous nights cocktails, Cuban food and 2am Taco Bell began to kick in and I felt rumblings every 14 minutes or so.

Not thinking too much about this harmless bodily function as my head pounded with dehydration, I let another release go thinking it would be much similar to the previous dozen. Oh, what a shock I received when more than the sweet smell of roses escaped my buttocks. I instantly froze for a few seconds and tried to understand what I had just done…”Nooooo, did I…wait, no….Im F’n 40! Maybe it just sounded odd, oh god!”

Sunday, Seattle Winter, and I am wearing my cotton PJs…no underwear and I immediately freeze while evaluating the severity of the situation. I slowly rotate my ass off the couch, while my giant surround sound flat screen blared two testosterone filled commentators describing the sweaty, bloody, ongoing battle between men half my age. Shame creeps upon me as I feel so much less of a man.

I begin to wrap my rational thoughts around the unfortunate situation and about to make my way to the bathroom, but then before my foot hits the ground, that fuckin’ hamster rolls up right next to me. Even though the little shit had never noticed my existence for two hours (if not 6 months) while roaming around the house, she pauses next to me, stands upright in her little clear ball, and twitches her little nose and paws. Our eyes meet, and without blinks, she shakes her head in disgust and continues along her merry unobstructed way.

This six month old hamster, who poops herself in the little wheel and allows the little black nuggets to drop on her head, will pee in the tube corridor that leads to her food dish, and eats more plastic than bottom dwelling fish in the Hudson, delivered more dignity than I did on this God's day of rest.

There you go, most private moment that nobody knew and now many do. Still want to send me a note???
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You are magical, tough, sarcastic, well-grounded, opinionated, creative and imaginative. You are not caught up in the materialistic things in life and would rather spend moola on adventures, experiences and new people (Our camera will provide the material memories). I want to listen to your stories, adventures and sit on the porch recapping a few of our own. Are you funky, quirky, passionate and confident? I hope so. You are a happy traveler, bitchy loser and loves a cocktail now and then... preferably now.

The little joys of life far outweigh the purchased things in life (unless it is a killer vintage furniture piece, useless mid-century knick knack or cool new toy for my girls/me). Philanthropy is an important and rewarding part of life and I hope you feel the same way. Shoot me note.

Or, you giggled just a little reading the above.

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