I realized I never put my name on here, so please, just call me Tony. I'm 21 years old. The rest, I'll just let you read.

Well, negatives first, that way you can cut me out as you weed through people: I'm a college dropout, I have no legitimate job, and I take anti-depressants (lexapro 10mg) in order to remain stable, I had to spend time in the psych ward, due to having suicidal thoughts, beginning in the finals week of my freshman year, and exited long after finals were over. (may 11th-31st, 2011) Due to those circumstances, I'm pretty sure my doctors see me as suicidal in some form or another. I don't constantly think of suicide, just when something triggers it.

I am overweight really badly. I used to keep my weight in the 280 range, but now I'm around 325, I'd blame it on the lexapro, it seemed to raise my weight in these past 4 months.

I am also an Atheist. I don't plan on changing that for a long time. (The way I see it is: If there were to be a perfect God, why are there people like me that exist? I hear people who claim they pray to God, and he talks back to them: I've never had this God talk back to me. Sounds like schizophrenia to me.) I had been a strong, faithful Christian for 19 years, but the day I left the psych ward, that changed. I'd say it's a change for the better, seeing how nobody around my old hypocritical church would go there, if I had some sort of role in the church.

I consider myself to be an all around musician, I play guitar, bass, drums, banjo, some keyboard, some mandolin, and violin. (or at least I think I'm somewhat decent: people have said I suck; wouldn't surprise me if you said the same) I do stand-up comedy as a hobby. I like music. (all categories) I am a passive person. I usually don't want anything to do with people.

Most people I know say that there are times when I act like a (insert ranges from 3-12) year old.

I'm pretty sure that's enough to turn the majority of anybody looking for somebody away. Nobody wants a 20 year old with the mind of a 12 year old, who gets angry over most anything, and can't keep a straight head at times. I'm gonna be straightforward: I make the previous guy you looked at look like Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp, or whoever you young ladies are crazy for.

I'm not sure what you would classify me to be. I'm not a retard, I suffer no form of retardation. I'm not a psychopath , as far as I know, and I have no intentions of being one (although I may eventually grow into being one). To call me a freak would be to sugarcoat things a little bit. To call me a pervert would probably fit the bill more towards it, but aren't all men perverts to some degree? It'd save you some time, so just call me Tony.

I'm not sure why I'm putting this, but I like animals: there's times where animals seem to make better friends than humans. Something I'll fail to fully understand. For instance, my dog, Houndy, he don't care that I screwed up in college, he don't care that I have to take pills everyday, and I'm pretty sure when I let him down, he's there to forgive me, or give me another chance.

Long story short, I've screwed up a lot, and wish I would have done better. Some days, I wonder why I'm here, on this earth, other days, I don't.

TL:DR
College, psych ward, stopped following god, lost college, no job, then moved into a travel trailer. Living in aftermath of failure. Basic stupid kid moves. Pretty much a man-child

Farming cattle mainly, other than that, watching my ticker tick down to zero: nothing really.

Watching the 19 other people I graduated with move forward in life, while I'm stuck at a standstill. I'm sure at least 25 percent of my class has had their first child and started their family, close to 50 percent are married/engaged, and the rest, excluding myself are in a relationship of the sort. (I had one classmate offer me no strings attached gay sex, but I'm not into that kind of thing.)

I got in an argument with one of my old classmates the other day. He called me a loser, told me I'll get nowhere in life, talked to me like a dog, and told me that he could easily say that I threatened him, and get me put back in therapy. It all rings true, and after hearing it, I feel like crawling in a bottle of Budweiser Black Crown, or crawling in a ditch and dying. Apparently, I can't run away from my past. (I feel like at this point, I'd be better off dead.)

Answering the same 5 or 6 questions every few months I go to Monroe Mental Health.

1. Are you seeing things or hearing things that others cannot?
"No" (I never have, and I hope to never will. If I ever did begin to hear voices, my life wouldn't probably much different.)
2. Is someone after you, do you think someone is out to get you? Is someone trying to poison your food?
"No" (I figured they would have gotten me by now, if there was anybody after me. But then again, you'd have to be pretty damn low to go after a college dropout who has no job, no money, and no social life. Don't get me wrong, there's probably someone curious to experience what murder feels like, but I doubt that I would be their target.)
3. Do you feel like harming others, or harming yourself?
"No"(Makes sense, I went in the psych ward with scars all over my arms from cutting, but why in the hell do I want to hurt someone else, without direct intimidation? Pain numbs other pain, or so I believe, that's why I used to cut/burn/scald a lot. )
4. Are you drinking or doing drugs?
"No" (lying about drinking, alcoholism runs in the family, but I'm not a bad drunk yet)
5. Are you still taking your medications, as prescribed, on a daily basis?
"Yes" (They don't seem to fix everything, though. I'm still a miserable person at times, but then again, no amount of pills will ever fix that.)

Other than that, nothing really. Living in a secondhand travel trailer in my parents' yard. (back room doesn't even get electricity to the outlets, so I gotta plug the laptop in up front and bring the cord back here.

These past 2 years were hell on me, I was being fed 60mg prozac whereas 80 is the max. I couldn't stand the mood swings prozac gave me, so I cold turkeyed and got lexapro.

My doctors offered to put me in Fairhaven, in Monroe. I thought it might have been somehow affiliated with the medical system, but nope, it's just the local homeless shelter.

I haven't been able to get disability yet; I doubt I will, but at this point, I really don't care. The way I see it, if I can't get a job, and can't get disability, there's only 2 good places I could be: dead or in prison/institutionalized. I say prison, seeing how when I have mood swings I think some things that just aren't quite right. I don't want to say that I am hazardous, but there's always the possibility of me doing something stupid.

I go by the alias l0rd0ct0d0rk on the internet. I've got several accounts by that name, youtube, etc... If you meet l0rd0ct0d0rk, then that's me. PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL ME THAT GAMING IS ONE OF THE CAUSES OF MY PROBLEMS: I SAY, BULLSHIT. If it weren't for gaming, I probably would be getting myself into trouble. However, people don't seem to understand that I'm capable of differentiating between real life and video games: me, I get pissed off, I go slay fight some other person's online character, or shoot them in a multiplayer FPS.

Well, I say I'm not doing anything/don't have any goals, but there is one thing I've been trying to do. Build my own pc based arcade machine. I love coin op games, I own 2 X-Arcade joysticks (a total of 4 players), and I even rigged up an old arcade coin door to accept quarters, and have it register on my computer.

I'm not homicidal, I'm not feeling suicidal, (although that can, and according to the doctors, will change)

And just in case any of you doctors or psychiatrists or nurses or counselors in training are reading this: I'm not suicidal. Suicide is for cowards, I've learned that over the years, and I don't plan on partaking in any suicidal actions (unless I get a terminal illness such as cancer/ or the rest my family dies leaving me the only Cook carrying my father's name(being unfit to be a father, yet expected to pass on the name)). DON'T THINK OTHERWISE, I'm pissed off enough at what medical help does for me. Apparently the cost to keep someone fed (not too much, really, same meals every week) , locked up (stay behind the white lines when the doors are open at all times), and access to medications and treatment (about the only thing I couldn't complain about) is worth 30 grand. I got lucky and got temporary medicaid for the charity hospital I went to, and they waived that, but I doubt it will happen again.

And I'm not sure, really, maybe dating is not for me. I've jumped to this conclusion because.

1. I can't seem to get along too well with most people, in person face to face. I'm not sure if I get off as being a dick towards them, or if I'm ugly or what it is, I just can't seem to get along with hardly anybody if I meet them in person.

2. I've only had one Girlfriend in the past, if she's worthy of being called that, I'm not sure if I should say she was a fuck buddy who texted me, or if she had genuine interests, but clearly after weeks of "I'm busy" and ignoring my texts, yet, texting my roommate for 20 minutes when he randomly texted her as a stranger I got tired of the bullshit. I finally told her we're through, and she played the "oh you got yourself another girl" card. Begins to make me think that all women are stupid in some way or another: please prove me wrong, that's all I ask. (Scratch all of that out) I couldn't even call her a girlfriend; I texted her, and had sex twice. That's all the social interaction I had with her. I guess i was just/still am a desperate piece of shit in that same manner.

3. I'm about the most socially-inept person that someone could know, according to the judgement of one of my brothers, and several other people. I'm awkward when it comes to hanging out with anybody. But when you're the guy that fucked cows, chickens, and milked bulls with your mouth, your pretty fucking awkward. Also to add to it, when the same people all know you as the guy who threatened people, made a hit-list, and bomb threats, you're still pretty awkward. I'm pretty sure that I just don't like interacting with people around here.

4. I get pissed off really easily. To the point to where it seems like I scare my family at times, especially my mother or my nieces. I've heard people say that I'd argue with a brick wall. The other day, the preacher man came by my house, and asked me was I going to church any more, I'm not, even though I used to every time the door opens. I'm not sure why, but I got real pissed off over simple things like that. I guess I'm that miserable. I don't plan on going back to church for a long time, and I sure as hell don't want people trying to get me back in church. My faith is in the same place as my Financial Aid, and my Disability: Gone.

5. Doctors say I have social problems. It's hard not to have social problems, when you're the chicken-fucker that had a hit-list, and also threatened to blow up the school. At this point I'm not sure, because doctors also say I could go to a homeless shelter to better myself. But why do that when I have a career of farming cattle ahead of me, and my deceased great grandmother's house to rebuild? Makes no sense to me. Seriously, I'm starting to hate the medical system, and the American government, as well as myself, to a certain extent.

6. I live in a travel trailer in my parents' yard. I'm pretty sure that doesn't appeal to anybody. Who wants to date a 310 pound guy without a job, that lives in a trailer in the middle of a shithole town? Nobody, that's who. Best stop trying until something better comes up. Heck, I wonder why I haven't done the things I used to want to do.

7. there's always the possibility of a suicidal relapse, and if I decide to take my own life, I'd rather not have my significant other ponder whether it was her that influenced it or not. (also why I don't think I should have children)

Honestly, I'm tired of it. Every day is just the same crap over and over. I hate living in a small town.
It's just a repeating nightmare.

Summer/fall: Bale Hay from morning until dark (100 degree weather at its finest) on worn out tractors that break down too much.
Winter: put out hay every two to three days, usually consisting of at least 24 bales to 3 different pastures
Spring: sell livestock and work on broken farm equipment.
That's pretty much what I'll do for the rest of my life because I have no work experience and nothing more than a high school diploma. I hate it. Seems like I never seem to have much time for myself. Makes me wonder whether I'm doing any good for America, or not. It seems like the country could use less people like myself anyways, but I'm here.

TL:DR
Feeding cows, building an arcade machine. Playing games on the internet. Trying to fight suicidal relapses.

Playing/building/repairing musical instruments. (heck, I'm not even sure that I'm even good with musical instruments: I still play them, but I feel that part of me died that held on to that flame.) Programming computers. (not very good, but I can make computer games) Electrical stuff. (1 or 2 live, 1 ground, it's not rocket science, people) I've got a knack for circuit bending, hot wiring and adding things to electronics. Gaming. Unintentionally screwing up things. Looking stupid around other people. Getting on other people's nerves. Etc... But heck, what defines someone to be good at something? I don't know. I don't compare myself to others in order to get what needs to be done, done. At the age of 14, I got my first guitar. So whether 6 years of on off/ practice is good or not is up to the reader. I've been working with electronics since I was 13. Been through 3 or 4 soldering irons, and 2 soldering guns: even built my own electric bass from scratch, using one of them. Nowadays, I repair wires, cables, circuit bend stuff occasionally. I'm hoping to build my own MAME arcade machine. I am very close: I only have to build a cabinet for it.

TL:DR not much, really, but I make sure I know how to do stuff right. Electrical spaghetti. Gaming. Musical instruments.

I am a passive person. I always look at the ground. Either that, or my curly hair and my posture. Cheeks are always red. I swear, anybody could find me in a crowd. That I have a weird pissed off look on my face most of the time, or I look sad, or something. That or I'm fat, I'm rather big in stature, and last time I weighed myself, I was hitting the 320 pound mark. (it's sad, really, two years ago, before I was on anti-depressants, I weighed in the 285 range, which is what I stayed at from about 8th grade to early college. Now It seems like I'm just constantly gaining weight, especially since changing to lexapro, 40 pounds in less than 2 years is unsatisfactory towards myself, but hey, at least I'm not trying to kill myself so far. I guess Everything costs something in one way or another.) Well, that sums up what most people notice about me at first, or at least what I think people would notice about me. I don't really know, and it's not like anybody tells me, "hey I noticed this...."

TL:DR Big guy with a fro, and kinda fat. Kinda angry or sad looking. Stares at ground. Doesn't speak much. Personally, after looking at my profile pics, I think I look like E. Honda (from the street fighter series) with an afro.

If you don't count certain mangas, that I read on a regular basis, then I guess I'm not much of a reader: I used to read, but not at all any more (Just stopped out of the blue), I like watching comedy movies (I don't hardly watch tv as much as I used to, just the occasional Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, Hardcore Pawn, River Monsters, Ice Road Truckers, Axe Men, etc...), watching anime, listening to classic rock *(creedence clearwater revival)*, listening to all types of music, i love oldies in particular, such as Simon and Garfunkel,Beatles, etc..and enjoy any kind of food, as you can see, I'm a heavyweight and therefore that backs up the any kind of food.

I watched the shawshank redemption the other day, I enjoyed it. One quote in particular sticks with me. Morgan Freeman (Red): Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

I believe in this quote, after looking back on my past, I believe that I've relied on hope in a similar manner (not to complete insanity, otherwise I would be institutionalized)

TL:DR CCR, don't read too much, don't watch tv too much, eats food.

My musical instruments (this probably broke the rule, seeing how I have at least a dozen guitars)
My medications (not so much as I used to; Probably also breaks the rule)
The occasional pouch of spitless tobacco or the occasional cigar. (My brother got some cigars and they're pretty nice)
My laptop (Emulators and Roms, and what most every young man has on his laptop)
Dr Pepper and Whatever soda is 1 dollar for 2 liters (I drink around 2 liters a day)
My new iPhone 5
My Android Tablets

Not too much else I couldn't go without.

My purpose in life why I am here, who I am, why I am who I am what might have been if I made different choices, etc...
What I could have done with my college career if I had not let my weak, lazy mind get the best of me.
Why I let people bully me.
Who made the hit-list that everybody said I had written/was found in my locker. (I swear that hit-list bothers me to this day, I don't know why, but it does. It just really burns my ass that I had to go see a psychiatrist + put up with mockery over it, but heck, I should have killed myself when I had the chance.)
Why i never did try to kill myself, as said above.
Now that I no longer am actively thinking suicidal thoughts, at the moment, I still look back at it, and think it must not have been that necessary. Heck, either way, I'm pretty sure I'm damned for hell, either way, following the possibility that hell exists, after thinking/remembering some of the bad things I've done.
Why I let everything bother me so much.
Why am I so miserable at times.
Why I let my own thoughts take advantage over me.
Why I am still here, etc... (why didn't I just kill myself back when I felt like it?)
Is my life supposed to be some kind of joke? If it is, I don't see anybody laughing.

TL:DR Why I am such a coward. Why do I screw up. Why am I such an ignorant person. Why do I keep making myself miserable.

Staying in my travel trailer that I live in, usually sitting in front of my computer on the internet. Or playing one of my guitars. Or both. More than likely playing video games. I've found comfort in video games that I can't really seem to find in people anymore. Most people would say I'm wasting time playing stupid games, when I could be out having a good time partying, or trying to hook up with somebody: I doubt that would happen. I don't really do too much of anything else, I choose not to socialize with others, as it is more awkward towards myself, seeing how I've practically lived under a rock for most of my life, and never seem to care about what's popular. I don't do well around other people; It seems like I do more good at pissing people off than anything else, I have a hard time getting along with my family, so I'm pretty sure it would be an even bigger pain in the ass to get along with strangers. Sometimes, I play games on steam under the name, l0rd0ct0d0rk (team fortress 2, left 4 dead 2, terraria, audiosurf, beat hazard, etc...), other times, I don't. Most of the time I play single player whenever I can, because most everybody's a troll and according to most people's gamer logic, if you suck at [insert name of multiplayer game], then you should have been an abortion, you are an abomination to mankind, and you should kill yourself because you suck so bad at [aforementioned game].

Playing Skyrim. I enjoy playing it, along with the other 2 predecessors in the elder scrolls series, Oblivion and Morrowind. I'm currently in the middle of Morrowind. It's a little harder than Skyrim and Oblivion, but I've grown to enjoy it as much as the other 2.

Just got started not too long back with something called League of Legends. I suck ass at it for the time being, but if you want to play, my name's l0rd0ct0d0rk. (I lost interest after being trolled several times, being told I suck, and should uninstall it)

TL:DR In the words of Hank Hill. "Got-Dang vidya games" Absolute zero social life 98 percent of the time.

I'm stupid, I make stupid decisions. I have my fair share of demons. I have social anxiety disorder as well as severe depression. I've done plenty of crazy self-harm shit. (Cutting, Burning, Punching hard walls, etc...) You could consider me to be suicidal, I was before, and junk like that seems to come back up and bite you on the ass. (was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward, and now am taking medication for it) I've more than likely done every crazy thing in the book. I am very passive. Though I can play musical instruments, I can't sing. I gave myself a tattoo with a 50 dollar tattoo kit I found on amazon:It's really screwed up looking, unless you look at it from where my head is. (Kinda like how I feel my thoughts are compared to other people. They can't see through my eyes, nor can I see through theirs, but yet they question me, not being capable of seeing things from my point of view.) Did I mention, that I have done a bunch of stupid shit?

TL:DR Suicidal relapses several times now, hospitalized after most recent one, tattoo on left arm.

You like music, can sing well, are very good with people like me who are passive and have anxiety issues, and if you tolerate bullshit like what I've got. Odds are, though, there's someone better suited for you than me, though. I've been a stepping stone for others, and don't mind being yours if that's what you need. Hell, you'd probably be better off looking for someone else: all I'll do is worry you to death.

Probably oughta scratch out everything in the first paragraph. Several people I know say I have the mindset of a twelve year old. Quite a shame, really. I guess if you can handle a ton of bullshit, and unpredictability, I might fit the bill, but I really doubt it. In fact I've probably taken six minutes or more of your life as a result of reading my paragraphs.

Heck you can message me regardless of what's above, it's not like you're gonna have to live with me, or have to put up with me if you message me. You can always block me in the case that I happen to bother you. That and if you feel it is necessary, you can always get a restraining order.

But really, though, why should you message me?
I don't know. My profile probably scared you away as it was, and that's just a profile: meeting me in person is probably worse. (Like two train wrecks on perpendicular tracks at the same time, with all four sets of trains going in reverse) I usually don't talk out front, and when I finally do start talking, you can't get me to shut up, unless you use physical force of some sort.

TL:DR Message me if you want to. Clearly I don't know what I want, so I'm pretty sure that doesn't appeal to many peopleon here. Go find someone better suited for you, I'm probably not what you're looking for. Show your friends: maybe they'll get a good laugh, and move on; I'll stay here until I find someone. I've got the rest of my life to wait, however long or short that may be.

I really don't expect you to message me, but if you do, I'll reply. I'll try not to sound rude, either.

-Footnote-
You probably wanna read my personality. I'm a fat, lazy, trashy, redneck, and it seems to show in that. I'm almost a joke, compared to other people, or at least that's how this personality thing makes me feel.