My breath smells of magnesium. I'm scared of bells. My hubris is unparalleled. If I had been on any season of The Bachelor everyone would have been rendered pregnant; even the cameramen. I was the basis for John McClane in the Die Hard pentalogy. I wrote the original incarnation of the Gettysburg Address. I divided by zero once; the result was the Chicxulub crater. I enjoy consensual heterosexual sex in the missionary position. I'm here to disappoint you.

Instagram: Guy1ncognito

I am the owner and shower supervisor at an after school children's program called Sandusky's Daycare.

Baselessly judging people and pointing out their shortcomings. Competetive drinking. Cold fusion. Talking about going to the gym.

My caustic wit and general misanthropy.

Movies- The Star Wars Holiday Special, Battlefield Earth, Ishtar, Ice Station Zebra, Spice World
Books- Masturbation for Dummies, Coloring books that prominently feature unicorns on the cover.
Music- Creed, Hanson, Jonas Brothers, Spin Doctors, Creed
Shows- Small Wonder, Blossom, The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault
Food- Anything that was once alive

Beer
Whiskey
Red Meat
Gas guzzling muscle cars
Global warming
Death

How insanely awesome I am. The universe. The zombie apocalypse.

Emulating Miss Havisham

I'm the only guy I know that showers with his mom.

You do not start or end your sentences with "lol." Or if you are a female with negotiable morals and have a severe latex allergy. You're capable of using proper syntax and grammar.