My breath smells of magnesium. I'm scared of bells. My hubris is unparalleled. If I had been on any season of The Bachelor everyone would have been rendered pregnant; even the cameramen. I was the basis for John McClane in the Die Hard pentalogy. I wrote the original incarnation of the Gettysburg Address. I divided by zero once; the result was the Chicxulub crater. I enjoy consensual heterosexual sex in the missionary position. I'm here to disappoint you.