wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
I am in a relationship. I keep this up mainly because there are a few conversations I want to keep going with people who would be embarrassed to have me as a Facebook friend. Plus, I like this profile.
I'm just one of many. Born into a generation without fathers, with no real masculine role model, in a time when gender roles are in flux anyways. It's made more confusing because traditional masculinity is frowned on. We learned about sexuality through the tapes we traded with friends, so we all ended up pervy men stuck in a state of constant adolescence. To this day, gender roles confuse me. I find myself wanting to be the masculine men that I see around me, but when I attempt it, I never feel comfortable in that skin. It's not who I am and no amount of trying will change that. Part of that feels like a crack in myself as a person. It manifests itself in a lot of small ways. I've never watched an entire football game in my life, that I remember. I just don't have that love of sports that seems to get beat into boys as a child. I didn't learn to make a proper fist until my life depended on it.
Sometimes I think some of us go blind into relationships, having never really have witnessed what a good one looks like. So we end up having no clue how to react when difficulties come in, or when it doesn't feel like a movie. So we just wander.
Some words to keep in mind. Headed in roughly the same direction, at roughly the same pace. I don't mind the fact that you are broken, because honestly, every last one of us over 25 on this site are likely a bit broken. This site has me feeling like the creepy old guy in the back of the club more and more every day. Life has just done one of those weird things where it completely resets, and all the sudden I am surrounded by new people whose names I barely know. It's a good moment, and I'm sort of trying to glue myself back together. I'll still be broken, but perhaps I won't leak at the seams nearly as much.
The things I want. I go into it a little more further down the page, but I want to add just a few things. I want someone who will stimulate me intellectually. Someone who will introduce me to new books, new movies, new music. new ideas. I want someone who will sit outside with me, and talk about the events that changed their life, the people, the music. THe moment when their religious beliefs were cemented. The things that make them who they are. I don't just want to know who that person is, I want to know why. I want to ask someone questions, and be geniunely interested in their answers, not just fearing the space between words. I want a connection that I don't believe exists, but I want to be proven wrong.
I've come to realize that my quest to amuse myself, well, it seems to come at the expense of people who take themselves too seriously. This unfortunately has left me with a lot of people who I thought might be interesting, but the second someone can't giggle when I say something ridiculous, I immediately write them off. It's horrible.
Music is important to me. Probably the most defining thing in my life. Sing to me, and you will own me.
I don't know what sort of picture this paints of me. I'm a dork, who thinks he is pretty smart. I like conversation, I like jokes, I like holding eye contact for a few seconds more than it is comfortable. I like affection, and give it easily. I'm blunt and honest. I can't hold a grudge to save my life.
I am a college graduate now with a real job in the real world where I earn real money, and I am finding this to help the dating game more than I would have liked to admit. Who would have thought? I'm sort of uncomfortable in the 9-5 world, and have been since I entered it. It's just strange to be surrounded by people who you have nothing in common with but the job you do, and trying to talk to them as if there were some connection otherwise. "What do you think off [local sports team]. Man, [local star on sports team] is doing well. Do you think they will win the big game?" It tires me out because I'm not great at small talk, and I sort of like to progress to more interesting and pressing issues very quickly. It's the same with dating and I wish I was better with it, but I'm not. But how can I worry about such things when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?
Here are the things I am looking for in another person. I want intelligence. That is imperative. Be smarter than me. I'll put you on a pedestal for it. Have some level of ambition, and some drive to create something more than a groove in a couch. I like creative people. I think talent is the sexiest thing on the planet, intelligence being the second sexiest. I want someone who enjoys music, and has a reasonable taste in it. If you listen to Godsmack and ICP, that's fine, but please don't expect me to not chortle when you do. I want someone with strong opinions who is willing to voice them to me This includes telling me when I am being an asshole, or telling me when I am wrong. I don't want a shadow. I am politically involved. I am very liberal. If you are conservative, it won't work. It just won't. Also, this is not completely important to me, but it's something I've often wanted and never had. I just want someone who will occasionally drink with me to dangerous levels, talking to me the whole time. I'm sort of bohemian. I'll likely never be rich I want to travel, and see the world more than anything.
Last, I have this absurd notion of romance and monogamy. I like the idea of marriage. I like the idea of saying to someone "When you are 75, and we are both grey and you can barely walk up the stairs, I will be there for you, and I will love you as much as I do this moment." I'm a sap, but I hope it's something I can find someday. I am a pessimist. But I hold out this belief that somewhere I'll find someone who will accentuate the good things about me, and help me work on my flaws.
I am the walking dead, hungry for brains, and post-punk-tastic
That last line, has been here for 10 years. From back in the day when you used to have to use 3 words to describe yourself. I keep it there for posterity's sake.