Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Wow! What to say about little ol' me!? Let me just say that I'm
excited to be here! Bring on the ladies!
I've had a little bit of a dry spell lately, largely due to my
being confined to the house. Don't worry ladies, I'm not a creeper
on house arrest or a socially clueless recluse.
Here's my deal: Because I manufacture a ridiculous amount of manly
testosterone, I give off a smell similar to a freshly-seared,
well-seasoned steak. I'm not ashamed. It's the price I have to pay
for having a seductively low voice and a phallus the size of
whiffle ball bat.
Anyway, my neighbor has two large wolves. He insists that he's
domesticated them, but they seem feral to me! Whenever I leave my
house, Apache and Jezabel (that's what he named them) come bursting
through my neighbor's shoddily fashioned fence (Bob Vila, this guy
is NOT) or straight through his front screen door and try to devour
me in all my beefy, savory glory.
Long story short, ladies: Instead of sustaining numerous bite and
claw related injuries, I choose to stay in most of the time.
However: for the right woman, I am willing to suffer at the hands
-- or paws I guess! -- of Apache and Jezabel. Not even a wolf's
bloodlust can stop true love. That's what my grandma always used to
I am made to make love, set to sex you wild, and willing to wank
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Well, due to the whole "wolf" situation, I mostly work from
selling homemade toothbrushes and related dental products.
right: I am a proud telecommuter and friend of Mother Earth!
Recently I constructed a zip line contraption that runs from
front porch down to my car. It allows me to reach the door of
sedan before Apache and Jezabel can catch a whiff of me. Of
when I come back home, I have to reset the zip line, which
quite a bit of time.
It may not be worth it, actually.
Anyhoo, that should tell you that I'm good building things.
I also made my own refrigerator.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Cunnilingus. There: I said it!
I also make a mean omelette.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Well, you wouldn't know it from my headshot, but my most noticible
feature would have to be my perky buns. I would have included a
full body shot, but I accidentally dropped my digital camera in the
toilet while trying to take one of those weird- angled,
Facebook-style photos of myself. How embarrassing!
So, until I can muster enough confidence to explain what happened
to the photography clerk at the local Best Buys, you lovely ladies
(and gay dudes, I suppose*) will have to whet your appetite for me
with my meager face photo.
(*Note: Gay dudes will not have an opportunity to get with this,
but I understand that looking doesn't hurt me. I am straight but
not narrow, my homo brothers!)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'm not really a book person. I prefer people telling me about
books they read. That way, I don't get my hands all dried out by
handling paper and what not. Plus, no paper cuts!
Movies! Boy do I love flicks! I don't know where to start. There's
always the classics: Ben-Hur, Citizen Kane, The Third Man, Vertigo,
Cream-Slurping Anal Sluts 3, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Bridge
Over the River Kwai, Breakfast at Tiffany's -- it's hard to know
where to stop!
Music: I like anything with a lot of bass that's good for dancin'!
Especially '80's electro and that early '90's Miami-style bass
Maroon 5 is good too.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My toothbrush (duh!)
Collages made with dry macaroni noodles
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Ways to distract Apache and Jezabel
How to become even sexier
The conflict between Israel and Palestine (so sad...)
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Still at home. Lint-brushing my clothes for wolf hair, getting my
pre-game drink on, and preparing for another late evening at the
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Once when I was a teenager, I woke up really groggy one morning and
stumbled into the bathroom for my daily toiletries. In my
confusion, I reached for the toothpaste, but accidentally grabbed
my sister's Vagilsil. Half-asleep, I had already whipped up a foamy
mess and was polishing my pearly bicuspids by the time I realized
that what I assumed was Crest was really a powerful vaginal
I still catch hell at family reunions!
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You want to take a walk on the wild side, ladies! Whether we enjoy
intimate conversation, fall in love, or get horizontally buck-wild
between the sheets (have sex), I will give you an experience you
will never forget!
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.