I like cartoons, and video games, and boys who like those things too. I've been single for a million years, and it's getting old. My ideal man is someone who could fix my computer, not my car. But, if you can do both? Killer. You're hired. I'm a Colorado native, and you know what they say about us natives...they're from there.

I'm searching for my 'constant', aren't we all? I want to one day write in my journal: "If anything goes wrong, ___________ __________ will be my constant" I need someone I can depend on when the time skipping starts.

Hey boys: have you just been dying to know what your fellow Y chromosome compadres write in their OkCupid profiles? Well, here for a limited time only, is a glimpse in to that realm. The following is what 90% of men have to say about themselves:

"I hate talking about myself, and im new to this whole thing, so here goes nothing lol. I'm a laid back and easy going guy with a great sense of humor who loves the outdoors. I hate drama lol. I love to snowboard, hike, camp, and fish. Lol. I like girls who are funny, smart, pretty, and down for anything lol. Lol. So if you want a good looking guy to go on an adventure with hit me up! Lol."

If your current profile contains any of this douche-baggery, move along partner.

For this hip, young mom, tomorrow is today and today is yesterday. You heard me. And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

I'm also vacuumning a lot. My Dyson vacuumn could kick your gay vacuumn's ass.

I'm really good at foosball and arm wrestling. Also good at hair and make-up and high heels.

my giant pupils! why are they so big?**
And maybe my sarcasm, but I'm not being sarcastic about my pupils. They are huge.

** I found the answer. It sounds ridiculous and made up, but: its because I'm living my life constantly sexually aroused. Google it if you think I'm yankin yer chain. It's a thing.

ONE OF EACH!!

books are good- 'Skinema'

movies are better- 'Sooper Troopers'

shows are excellent- 'Mr. Show'

music is the best- 'Radiohead'

I eat food pretty regularly- 'Water'

1) a bra
2) my son
3) colorado tap water
4) summer
5) netflix
6) zero percent humidity

whether or not I unplugged my flat iron...

kickin it old school with a cat and a six year old! Party on Wayne!

I did not graduate high school.
I hate pets.*
In my former life I was a candy raver.
My last name isn't really Puppington.

*I guess I should expound on this since I'm getting a ton of "waa waa waa, how could you hate pets? Blah blah blah, that's just wrong." I hate pets because they ruin carpets, over draw bank accounts, destroy furniture, and then break your heart when they die young. Please don't get me wrong, I love YOUR pet, I think your puppy is great; just so long as I don't have to be responsible for its well-being. I would never wish any harm upon an animal, I'm just sick and fucking tired of owning them.

If you came for the Boba Fett helmet, and stayed for dat assss.

Or if you're not a fucking ass hat and you can truly appreciate a girl with T&A. I've got some chunk in the junk which is in my trunk.

Or if you have more to say than just "hello". One-word messages will never get you into a girl's pants. Trust me.

Or if you want to drive really far to find old, abandoned farm
houses to loot.

Or if you can teach me how to swim. I'm serious, I can't swim.

Or if you never use things like: lol, u, and r. Just because
letters like U and R can mean words like YOU and ARE, does not mean
you need to use them as such.

Or if you know exactly what you want, and exactly how to get
it.

Or if you know what lies in the shadow of the statue.

Or if you're Peter Dinklage. Total MILF.

You can stalk me on Instagram if you'd like, that place is pretty fun. @bilarie