Six-year-old Dictator-for-Life Calvin climbed up the rope ladder
and into the super secret tree-fort hideout, headquarters of
G.R.O.S.S
(Get-Rid-Of-Slimy-girlS). He saw First Tiger Hobbes hunched over
several sheets of paper, writing furiously with a crayon. Several
more papers lay strewn about the floor. Some were balled up, others
shredded into strips. One, which appeared to have Chinese
characters scrawled on it, looked as if a tiger had chewed on the
edges.
“Hobbes, What are you doing!??!!! You were supposed to help me plan out the next water balloon assault on Suzie Durkins!”
Hobbes looked up guiltily. “Um... Nothing!” he said, frantically trying to gather up the scraps of paper. “I was just... plotting strategy! Yeah, super-secret strategy! So super-secret, only tigers can read it!”
Calvin snatched one of the papers from under Hobbes’ paw, and held him off with one red sneaker-shod foot when Hobbes lunged for the sheet. Calvin read the words, written in orange and black crayon, aloud. “Single male tiger, age 40-ish (but acts younger), 5’8” from nose to tail, a svelte 155 pounds, cerebral, whimsical, green eyes, orange and black fur with some grey (in that distinguished way us older tigers get...), seeks female tiger, of reasonably similar age, for LTR. I have a great career as a guard-tiger, my own tree house...”
“YOUR tree house!” Calvin yelled, his face turning purple. He gestured wildly, “I built this fort with my bare hands! Every nail, every board! Why, the temerity...”
“Oh, you’re a big fibber,” Hobbes said dryly. “Your Dad helped you. You forget, I was here, too.”
“And a fat lot of good you were, I might add! You spent the whole time yowling about dinner!”
“Well,” said Hobbes reflectively, “construction work does make a tiger hungry. But I did renovate the kitchen in my last house, though. I put in a dishwasher and everything!”
Calvin snorted derisively, “I thought you just licked the plates clean. That’s what you do HERE!”
“Har-de-har-har,” said Hobbes, sticking out his tongue.
“OK, MAY-be you know which way to point a CLAW-hammer, but don’t try to change the subject! What is this you’re writing? It looks like some kind of ad where you’re looking for a GIRL!”
“Well...” Hobbes blushed a little, and rubbed one paw along his fuzzy jaw, “Not that your company isn’t sterling, mind you, but it would be nice to have a girl tiger to talk to. Besides, Suzie Durkins kissed me on the cheek yesterday and told me I looked neat in my Jams swim-trunks! Girls just love a guy in Jams! Grrrrrrowl! So I thought maybe she had a point and I should try to see if there were any girl-tigers out there.”
“What!?!!” Calvin sputtered. “You’d rather hang out with Suzie or some girl-tiger than me?”
“Don’t be silly,” grinned Hobbes, waving a paw dismissively in Calvin’s direction. “I’ll always have time for Calvinball, or going sledding with you down ‘Maim and Destruction Gorge’, or reading Captain Fantastic, or the Amazing Adventures of STUPENDOUS MAN! How could I miss out on going back in time with you to the Cretaceous to see dinosaurs, or looking for weirdoes on Mars? It’s just that a tiger needs another tiger every once in a while. Besides, you like tigers, right?”
“Yeah...” Calvin answered slowly, as Hobbes grinned his most endearing grin and made innocent doe-eyes at Calvin.
“So if one tiger is cool, then TWO tigers would be like... Umm... Tiger squared!”
“Hey! Yeah! You’re right!” Calvin’s face twisted into a devious grin. “With TWO tigers, I could be an Evil Overlord™! I could really get Suzie! Or Moe! The two of you could just massa-cree Moe the next time he tries to make me give up my lunch money!”
“Hmmm... I don’t know about that, Calvin. Moe looks kinda’ fatty. I’m trying to cut down on that kind of food. Lets go get some cookies instead!”
“Yeah, Mom made some fresh yesterday!” Calvin started scrambling down the ladder.
Hobbes waited as he counted to five. He grinned a feral grin as Calvin raced across the yard toward the back door and said softly, “And just imagine the pouncing TWO tigers could do,” as he leapt from the tree house in pursuit.”
**************************
I am quite loyal, over-educated, and somewhat witty
“Hobbes, What are you doing!??!!! You were supposed to help me plan out the next water balloon assault on Suzie Durkins!”
Hobbes looked up guiltily. “Um... Nothing!” he said, frantically trying to gather up the scraps of paper. “I was just... plotting strategy! Yeah, super-secret strategy! So super-secret, only tigers can read it!”
Calvin snatched one of the papers from under Hobbes’ paw, and held him off with one red sneaker-shod foot when Hobbes lunged for the sheet. Calvin read the words, written in orange and black crayon, aloud. “Single male tiger, age 40-ish (but acts younger), 5’8” from nose to tail, a svelte 155 pounds, cerebral, whimsical, green eyes, orange and black fur with some grey (in that distinguished way us older tigers get...), seeks female tiger, of reasonably similar age, for LTR. I have a great career as a guard-tiger, my own tree house...”
“YOUR tree house!” Calvin yelled, his face turning purple. He gestured wildly, “I built this fort with my bare hands! Every nail, every board! Why, the temerity...”
“Oh, you’re a big fibber,” Hobbes said dryly. “Your Dad helped you. You forget, I was here, too.”
“And a fat lot of good you were, I might add! You spent the whole time yowling about dinner!”
“Well,” said Hobbes reflectively, “construction work does make a tiger hungry. But I did renovate the kitchen in my last house, though. I put in a dishwasher and everything!”
Calvin snorted derisively, “I thought you just licked the plates clean. That’s what you do HERE!”
“Har-de-har-har,” said Hobbes, sticking out his tongue.
“OK, MAY-be you know which way to point a CLAW-hammer, but don’t try to change the subject! What is this you’re writing? It looks like some kind of ad where you’re looking for a GIRL!”
“Well...” Hobbes blushed a little, and rubbed one paw along his fuzzy jaw, “Not that your company isn’t sterling, mind you, but it would be nice to have a girl tiger to talk to. Besides, Suzie Durkins kissed me on the cheek yesterday and told me I looked neat in my Jams swim-trunks! Girls just love a guy in Jams! Grrrrrrowl! So I thought maybe she had a point and I should try to see if there were any girl-tigers out there.”
“What!?!!” Calvin sputtered. “You’d rather hang out with Suzie or some girl-tiger than me?”
“Don’t be silly,” grinned Hobbes, waving a paw dismissively in Calvin’s direction. “I’ll always have time for Calvinball, or going sledding with you down ‘Maim and Destruction Gorge’, or reading Captain Fantastic, or the Amazing Adventures of STUPENDOUS MAN! How could I miss out on going back in time with you to the Cretaceous to see dinosaurs, or looking for weirdoes on Mars? It’s just that a tiger needs another tiger every once in a while. Besides, you like tigers, right?”
“Yeah...” Calvin answered slowly, as Hobbes grinned his most endearing grin and made innocent doe-eyes at Calvin.
“So if one tiger is cool, then TWO tigers would be like... Umm... Tiger squared!”
“Hey! Yeah! You’re right!” Calvin’s face twisted into a devious grin. “With TWO tigers, I could be an Evil Overlord™! I could really get Suzie! Or Moe! The two of you could just massa-cree Moe the next time he tries to make me give up my lunch money!”
“Hmmm... I don’t know about that, Calvin. Moe looks kinda’ fatty. I’m trying to cut down on that kind of food. Lets go get some cookies instead!”
“Yeah, Mom made some fresh yesterday!” Calvin started scrambling down the ladder.
Hobbes waited as he counted to five. He grinned a feral grin as Calvin raced across the yard toward the back door and said softly, “And just imagine the pouncing TWO tigers could do,” as he leapt from the tree house in pursuit.”
**************************
I am quite loyal, over-educated, and somewhat witty
