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HocEstBellum

28 M Philadelphia, PA

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 5:26pm
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 11″ (1.80m)
Body Type
Average
Diet
Strictly anything
Smokes
Sometimes
Drinks
Often
Drugs
Religion
Atheism, and laughing about it
Sign
Scorpio
Education
Working on university
Job
Hospitality
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Doesn’t have kids, and doesn’t want any
Pets
Likes dogs and likes cats
Speaks
English (Fluently), Spanish (Poorly)

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My self-summary
A gyarados in a world full of magikarp. If you don't get the reference, don't spend too much time trying to figure it out.

I'm an executive chef. Let's not talk about food. I will say that my bolognese game is not to be fucked with. I curse a lot. Like, all the fucking time. See? That wasn't even intentional. I'm incredibly sarcastic. There's no filter for it, it just happens. Don't take offense. Also, I'm hilarious when gin drunk. Easily the funniest person I know. I'm most certainly not "laid-back", "easy-going", "down to earth", or any other cop-out answer that everyone jots down here because they can't figure out how to describe themselves.

I AM, however, super easy to talk to, and I will be genuinely interested in talking to you if you happen to be a genuinely interesting person.

I'm probably coming off as a dick. I'm not, I swear. At the very least, I haven't been called out on being a dick in a super long time.
What I’m doing with my life
Searching for the six-fingered man so that I can avenge my father.
I’m really good at
Street Fighter II, karaoke, catching quarters off of my elbow, watching hockey (not a Flyers fan), falling asleep, being an asshole (in a totally charming and endearing way.)

Clicking on your profile only to find out you're online, panicking, loading up a different website as if I'd just been caught looking at porn in a library. This happens like 3-4 times per day.

Hahah, kidding! It's more like 3-4 times per hour.

Oh, and settling Catan.
The first things people usually notice about me
"Is he humming Paradise By The Dashboard Lights?"

My strong chin. No, seriously, I've gotten that on more than one occasion. Wut.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books - Kurt Vonnegut, Albert Camus, Charles Bukowski, Haruki Murakami, anything involving music theory or french cooking styles. Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison, and Garth Ennis are my holy trinity.

Movies - Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Escape from L.A., Captain Ron, The Thing.

Shows - Twin Peaks, The Simpsons, Frisky Dingo, 30 Rock, Archer, Venture Bros, Futurama, Rocko's Modern Life, Dexter's Lab, The Golden Girls, Bridezillas, MTV's Date My Mom. I mostly watch cartoons; I can't really take t.v. actors seriously. Get at me when you make it to the big leagues, everyone on Law & Order.

I just took the Walking Dead off of this list. Zombies are quickly approaching vampire status in the pop-culture lexicon. Fucking come ON, people.

Music - Gravitating towards the heavier shit lately: Trap Them, Black Breath, Agoraphobic Nosebleed... All time though? The Gamits, Electric Light Orchestra, Warren Zevon, Tom Waits, Elvis Costello, Ryan Adams, Weatherbox, Captain We're Sinking, Jawbreaker, Leatherface, Ozma, I Farm, Bomb The Music Industry!, Propagandhi, Bayside, The Weakerthans, Oingo Boingo, Ozma, Grand Funk Railroad, Madeleine Peyroux, Etta James, Count Basie, Charlie Parker, Albert Collins, Entombed, Havok, A Wilhelm Scream, Baroness... a lot of everything. Except robot music.

Food - French, Mexican, Sushi, (shitty) Chinese, Unicorn, Long Pig, Tuna Hoagies.
The six things I could never do without
1. My knife. It's japanese.

2. My Bass. It's older than most of the people on this site.

3. Good/great beer.

4. Sandwiches.

5. Records.

6. Black coffee.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
New recipes. Puns. Palindromes. Portmanteaus. Cryptozoology. Alternate Universes. What I'd do if I won the lottery (I'd buy a brand new pair of socks every day.)

But mostly it's just trying to decide which candy bar to buy at the gas station. They put peanut butter in everything these days. It's not an easy decision.
On a typical Friday night I am
Drinking heavily / dancing poorly
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Probably how much I relate to Liz Lemon.

Also, crossfit people weird me the fuck out. That's not actually private. I just have better things to do than flip monster truck tires.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 25–35
  • Near me
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
You like corny/dirty jokes. You know how to properly use a semi-colon. You want to people-watch in a townie dive bar.

You DO NOT take pictures of your food. That shit's whack. Also, if you're one of those "work hard play hard" people, get fucked.

I'm gonna be real for a second here: I'm mainly looking for someone to eat every burger in Philly with me. EDIT: I'm concerned some of you have read this as "best burger". What I wrote is "every burger".