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38 M Phoenix, AZ

My Details

Last Online
Online now!
6′ 0″ (1.83m)
Body Type
A little extra
Strictly anything
Agnosticism, and very serious about it
Graduated from university
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs and has cats
English, French (Poorly), Spanish (Okay)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
You should probably get to know me. I'm amaaaaaazing. Or so I've been told. Maybe I was being pandered to. Maybe not. I am told with regularity and apparent sincerity by other people that I am a good person. At the very least I feel confident saying that your life will be a tiny bit better if I'm a tiny part of it. I make everything better. If food is life, I am salt.

Chances are you don't want to date me. I'm flawed. I've committed all of the cardinal sins. There are a couple of them that I still commit sometimes. I have vice. Even though my little brain is pretty highly functional sometimes I worry that I'm more animal than man. That's mostly just when I find myself grunting though, which isn't really that often.

I don't know if there's any point in me trying to sell myself on here...I'm a hard sell. Unless you're into fellows that are complicated / simple / eccentric / logical / artistic / practical / unique / common / stupid / smart / hilarious / serious / dangerous / safe / quiet / boisterous / healthy / depraved and unable to describe themselves without dichotomies.

I've been internet dating for a while now. This is what I have to show for it: A couple of failed relationships, a couple of really good friends, a couple of great pen-pals, and a whole lot of disappointment. I don't know if I should be actively pursuing romantic relationships on here. I'm not good at it. I think I'm better off just making as many friends as I can. Wanna be friends?
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
1. Working. I have a good job that pays me fairly well and I'm very very good at it. I've been doing it for a long time though and I think I'm ready for a change (see plans A and B).

2. Sleeping. It's important.

3. Working on Plan A: I'm buying the family property in Central Phoenix. It's an irrigated lot with lots of mature fruit trees and an assortment of ramshackle buildings. Just under an acre. I'm turning it into a micro-farm / bed and breakfast. My dad still lives there. He's a great guy, but will probably need to be looked out for in the not too distant future. I won't put him in a rest home unless he wants to be put in a rest home, so there is a good chance I'll be the one doing the looking out.

4. Working on Plan B: I'm building a better social network. I find all the existing social networks to be seriously lacking in one way or another, so I'm going to start my own. Wanna join?

5. Entertaining myself. Computer, netflix, movies, travel, stuff outside, socializing.

6. Slumlording.

7. Esoterica.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Cooking. I've been doing it for fun since I was five and for money since I was fourteen. I could probably be even better at it but I was distracted throughout all of those years doing other things as well.

Appreciating. All kinds of things. Beautiful things, ugly things, kindness, cruelty, entertaining things, minutia, scrumptious things, foul things, myself, other people, you.

Whistling. I've been whistling for fun and relaxation since I was eight. Sometimes I wonder if it's too late to start a career as a professional whistler, and then I realize that's fucking insane.

Laughing. I think lots of things are funny. Maybe I shouldn't think some of them are funny, but maybe I just can't help myself. On top of that it's the best medicine. That's probably why I don't get sick often.

Being self-aware. I know who I am. I'm good at being myself. I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm laughing the loudest. I'm cursing the loudest. I'm being the most exciting. I'm a wall flower. I'm getting the job done.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Books: Fiction, mostly. Right now I'm reading A Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood. Next I'm going to read The Protectors War by S.M. Stirling. I've always enjoyed reading tremendously. The Stand and The Stranger are my rote answers to "what is your favorite book?". I'm thinking about changing that answer to "Death on the Installment Plan / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

Movies: Also mostly fiction, mostly made during my lifetime.
I saw just Guardians of the Galaxy twice in the same week. I'm going to see Mad Max: Fury Road next summer. I'd like to go see Obvious Child or Wetlands on a super awkward first date. The Road Warrior and Super Troopers are my two most favoritest movies ever, but there are many many movies that I am also a huge fan of. Big fan in general. Those two win because of Sentiment!

Shows: Pretty much all netflix. I don't have cable, and I don't know that I want it. I've made arrangements that have allowed me to be up to date on Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead, which is good, because those shows are awesome. I like funny things and exciting things and educational things.

and and
and so on and so forth. I like music. Good music. Lots of good music. Live, recorded, whatever.

Food: I tried natto once and thought it was completely disgusting. Otherwise I'll eat anything. I guess I'd try natto again, maybe just a little bit hesitantly. That being said, I do try to eat quite a bit healthier now that I'm a grown up. Wanna eat something together?
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
Food. Fiction. Facts. Family. Friends. Free will. Fun. Funk. Forthrightness. F is an awesome letter.

Oh, and fuck. Of course.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What I can do to help people.
What I can do to help myself.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Either at work or having loads of fun. I'm happy to do anything, but most of what I do socially is the same kind of stuff that most people do socially.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I started doing amateur Puppetry of the Penis in 1994. I did it for quite a few years, to great acclaim. I started feeling a little too old for it some years ago and in 2006 I retired. I don't know if I'll ever come out of retirement. Maybe. Probably not. Some of my tricks: The Baboon, The Pulsating Heart, The Texas Twister, The Batwing, The Vagina Skier (honestly, this is more like "Silence of the Lambs with a laugh track", maybe not technically Penis Puppetry), and The Blowfish.

I'll also admit to anything else that you want to know. I have very little shame.
I’m looking for
  • Everybody
  • Ages 18–99
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
If you think we'll get along. If you want to join my social network. If you want to do something fun with someone fun.

If I message you first it would be totally nice of you to reply, even if that reply is "no thank you" or just "no" or "fuck off dude, you're weird" or "eat shit and die fartknocker". Really any reply will do. I just don't care for the casual dismissal of no response at all. It irks me and maybe even makes me a little bit sad and maybe even makes me feel a little bit devalued. You don't want to devalue me, do you?

I'd like to clarify my "I'm looking for" section...

First and foremost I am looking for new friends. People I can have fun with, people I can invite to parties. I love having parties, but I need a community of close friends to do that successfully, and my Phoenix community is sort of smallish it feels like, or maybe just not closely enough connected. Most of my close friends live in other states, and are useless as part of a local community.

I won't look for a long-term relationship anymore. I think it's counter productive. I would, however, be very happy to find one. You can find one without actively looking, right? Unfortunately, as I said earlier, I am a hard sell and I am also very very picky. So what I will do is I will make lots and lots of friends, and hope that one of those friends might be the person I was looking for, and that maybe they feel the same way.

I won't look for casual sex, either. I wouldn't necessarily say no to it if it were offered, but in my experience the best sex is always the sex in which emotions are involved, which I believe precludes casualness. So, in conclusion, yes sex is fun, but it's the most fun when it's with somebody I'm in love with.

I won't look for short term relationships. I might end up in one anyway. Maybe I will think that I've found a long-term relationship, and maybe it won't last, and then it will be a short-term relationship, which is not something I'm interested in. No, I'm not looking for short-term relationships, but maybe I will find one anyway. Oh well.