I love kittens.

You might notice my old profile is gone...
The new one will roll out over the next few weeks :-)
Today is July 10th, 2011
Using that date, you can decide for yourself how lazy I am being in getting a new profile up :-)

First thing people notice... updated (7/11/11)
Six things... updated (7/22/11)
Most private thing (7/25/11)
I'm really good at (8/10/11)
What I'm doing with life (8/10/11)
Message me if (8/16/11)
Self Summary will be last :-)

Also, READ HONEYBAKEDHAM's JOURNAL

By the way... if you care... I erased all my questions, then answered exactly the required 75 publicly (plus 25 more so my emails to Chris Coyne wouldn't get blocked), with an explanation for each one... so if you are feeling judgmental, it's all here...

I'm a student. I have returned to college after all these years to get the piece of paper that says I am able to do the things that I have actually been doing successfully for 20 years.

I am a member of an improv comedy group. It's made up of local community theater geeks in Northwest Indiana, and while we are funny, we are green. We are rehearsing all summer, but we'll start performing in the late fall.

I volunteer on the weekend to act as a Sherpa for climbers trying to reach the summit. I am highly skilled at managing pack goats and oxygen equipment, plus I can perform basic surgical procedures under blizzard conditions.

I'm looking for part time work. I'm in a rare and fortunate position in that I can go back to school full time and I do not have to "work" work. There is no mindless cube work or petty office squabbles for me. But I want to work... even if it is below my experience and skill set. Retail would be fine... or loan shark enforcement.

One of the things above is not true.
One of these things is not like the other :-)

I'm also writing the runaway success smash hit blog, HONEYBAKEDHAM's JOURNAL. You should read it.

I'm really good at:

...getting things done (at the last minute).

...pie.

...ripping your clothes off without damaging the buttons.

...managing the network.

...mix CDs (formerly Mix Tapes) (is it just me, or is it weird that mix Cds are now retro?)

...bashing Republicans and Teabaggers.

...driving. (83% of drivers surveyed would rate their driving skill in the top 20% of all drivers. Obviously, some of them are wrong. Chances are that you are one of them.)

...creating music (by playing the stereo)

...cats.

...hunting with a blowgun.

...all you can eat buffets.

...funny.

...avoiding Imperial entanglements.

...money management. (I'm a cheap-ass bastard)

...grammar (when I take my time).

...intentionally bending grammar rules.

...creative spelling (thank you, spell checker)

...finding awesome socks.

...BBQ

...passing judgment on others with little or no real information. In fact, all of us are good at that. However, I try to avoid actually doing it as often as I can.

...making a room of strangers feel at ease.

...making a room of strangers feel anxious.

...making a room of strangers feel icky.

...manipulating rooms full of strangers for my own Machiavellian desires.

...writing the wildly popular HONEYBAKEDHAM Journal..

The first thing people often notice about me is that I've been in the room a lot longer than they thought. Despite being somewhat ostentatious, I have strong Jedi stealth skills.

Next, I am almost always wearing a fedora. If I am outside, I have a broad brimmed hat. If I am not wearing it, it is in my hand (for some reason) or we are seated indoors. Because of this, the fact that I keep my head shaved is not the first thing people notice.

If you haven't seen me in a few years, you'll notice I weigh less than before. HoneyBakedHam (because in real life, everyone calls me HoneyBakedHam) is now available in a reduced fat variety.

Most folks notice that I am particularly well dressed. I don't chase fad or fashion, but I carefully select my clothing for fit and for the statement it makes. I am not a jeans and t-shirt guy. I like jackets, ties, good shoes, etc... I'm not metrosexual... I just care how I am present myself to others.

Most folks notice that I don't watch my fucking language in public. I have a goddamn bad habit of saying whatever shit I fucking feel like and that I don't give a fuck who is in earshot.

((Note: I believe life is hard and you should wear a helmet)).

People often notice that I am busily hawking my OKC Journal

They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
These days my life, I feel it has no purpose
But late at night the feelings swim to the surface

'Cause on the surface the city lights shine
They're calling at me, come and find your kind
Sometimes I wonder if the world's so small
That we can never get away from the sprawl

Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

We rode our bikes to the nearest park
Sat under the swings and kissed in the dark
We shield our eyes from the police lights
We run away, but we don't know why

And like a mirror, the city lights shine
They're screaming at us, "We don't need your kind"
Sometimes I wonder if the world's so small
That we can never get away from the sprawl

Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

They heard me singing and they told me to stop
Quit these pretentious things and just punch the clock
Sometimes I wonder if the world's so small
Can we ever get away from the sprawl?

Living in the sprawl
Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains
And there's no end in sight
I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights

--- The Arcade Fire
Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

Besides my journal...

SIX SETS OF SIX

six things I could NEVER do without

1. The First Amendment of the United States Constitution
2. Humor
3. The American Civil Liberties Union
4. Mother Fucking Profanity
5. The Internet, which truly democratizes speech
6. Grammar rules which, like traffic laws, should be viewed as suggestions...

six things I could ALWAYS do without

1. Scat Porn
2. Network TV
3. Extremely large slobbery dogs that shed and won't quit sticking their noses in my crotch
4. DVDs in Full Screen Format
5. Mamma Mia
6. Unnecessary Drama (practice some damn Zen)

six things I LOVE

1. Those who introduce good chaos into the system
2. My KITTENS
3. Christina Hendricks
4. A good cut of beef, rare, charred on the edges
5. Larry Flynt - Who sacrificed so much for The 1st Amendment
6. Vespa Motor Scooters

six things I HATE

1. Scat Porn (made the list twice) :-)
2. The films of Uwe Boll
3. The Republican Party
4. Onions
5. Organized religion
6. Waiters who don't tell you they serve Diet Pepsi when you asked for Diet Coke... because those two things are not the same thing at all

six things I'm GEEKY about

1. Martin Scorsese
2. DIY PCs and PC Gaming
3. Pizza
4. Hats and Shoes
5. My DVD and Blu-Ray Collection
6. The West Wing

six things I'm AMBIVALENT about

1. Maryland
2. Kraft Mac-n-Cheese
3. All four door sedans
4. Deer
5. Milton Bradley Board Games
6. Farmer's Markets

The Republican assault on the American middle class began in earnest with Reagan's unfortunate election, and we've been sinking ever since. But this latest salvo, which resulted in the 2008 collapse, is still reverberating. There is no recovery coming soon. There can be no recovery until there is no more right wing opposition.

READ HONEYBAKEDHAM's JOURNAL

Journalling

and crying like a baby.

In May of 1986, I had taken a few tabs of blotter acid on a dare, and went for a walk to visit my girlfriend, Mellisa Parker, at 6754 Winterhaven St in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. The acid had kicked in and when I arrived I was under the drug induced delusion that she was held captive by a coven of witches and that she had been impregnated by a demon. Thus, I murdered her, and her family, and burned the house down.

The police blamed it on a local homeless man and I never said a word about it. Please don't say anything. I'm kinda trying to keep that on the down low, if you know what I mean.

You can read this, and other secrets, in HONEYBAKEDHAM's Journal

There is no reason you should message me.

There is no reason you should not message me.

Maybe you should message me if you want to ask me something about a thing you read in my journal.

Or maybe you just think we might have something in common to chat about. Like what, you ask? Well maybe we both love...

...Chicago Style Pizza.

...the films of Martin Scorsese.

...unprotected anonymous sex at highway rest stops.

...improv comedy.

...iconoclasts.

...awesome shoes and hats.

...those kind.

...Dennis Kucinich's wife. (google her... she's about 7 feet tall)

...selling harvested organs on the black market.

...the medical models on your doctor's desk.

...Saved By The Bell.

...the one true God... David Bowie.

...the one true King... Elvis... Costello.

...the one true Captain... Crunch.

I could go on and on all day writing these pithy little one liners about stuff I love (or pretend to love for comic effect), and so I will...

...olives.

...the now discontinued Honda Element.

...Vespa Motor Scooters.

...the irrepressible Tom Hanks.

...Jon Stewart's highly talented staff of writers and researchers (without whom, Stewart, himself very talented, would be in the tall grass)

...streaming video.

...sexy ethnic chicks.

...uncomfortable humor.

...inappropriate humor.

...offensive humor.

Okay. I'll stop.

And of course, you should message me if you READ HONEYBAKEDHAM's JOURNAL