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I-The-Beholder

26 M Vancouver, British Columbia, CA

I’m looking for

  • Everybody
  • Ages 19–30
  • Near me
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Today – 10:43am
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
Height
Body Type
Diet
Smokes
Drinks
Drugs
Never
Religion
Sign
Education
Job
Income
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Speaks
English

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Hello. Please have patience, because this is very difficult for me.

I am a very shy, gentle person, and I do my best to be compassionate and kind to the people around me.

I live with severe depression, and an intense fear of other people. I have come on here to try and reach out to someone, in the hope of finding some acceptance. I am not going to identify myself by name on this profile, or show any pictures. The age on my profile is just a quarter century before the day i set up the profile, but it's close enough to my actual age. Some of you may know me already, and never have guessed at what I'm about to describe, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. People don't expect someone like me to be a good person. I will not identify myself to anyone unless I am convinced that they have given me their understanding and acceptance. Let me explain why.

Keep in mind, this is not a joke. This is deadly serious.

When I was 12, and I reached puberty, I immediately found that my sexual attractions towards girls were extremely strong, and not very specific. I was attracted to girls my own age and up, like the other boys. But unlike the other boys, my attractions were also towards girls my own age and down. To this day, I still experience attraction to girls aged anywhere between 3 and 30, and sometimes beyond. This is an involuntary thing, not something I ever chose, and not something I can ever change.

Technically, I am a paedophile. However, what I have learned about other people who are paedophiles is that most of them seem to have psychological problems that motivate their attractions. Most of them seem to be seeking some quality of their own childhoods they feel they have lost. I do not experience that. Also, most paedophiles feel no attraction to adults and find the idea of a relationship with an adult unfulfilling. Unlike them, I do not experience different feelings towards adults than children. In fact, I seem to experience stronger attraction to adult women than most men.

I don't consider it a paraphilia, I consider it the absence of one. The way I describe it is that it's like the difference between finding an Asian woman attractive, and having an Asian girl fetish. The first is just an attraction to someone who happens to belong to a certain group. The second is creepy and dehumanising, and suggests a psychological obsession.

Contrary to popular belief, I never experienced sexual abuse as a child. Most paedophiles can say the same, even the really disturbed ones. Paedophilia is not contagious. In fact, it's not an illness at all.

My attractions seem to be caused by hormones. I don't even like kids most of the time. I don't judge kids any differently from anyone else, and I don't like being around people who are immature, and most kids are very immature. Though, honestly, so are most adults, just not quite so obnoxiously. But since I frequently find female children very beautiful, and society in general sees that as monstrous, I have actually developed very intense paedophobia. Even towards boys, since being falsely accused of being attracted to boys would certainly expose me as attracted to girls. If I were exposed, I would certainly be dead within a year at most.

I really don't like kids. This is basically me:
http://youtu.be/gQw6PoHQPco
They make me uncomfortable snd I have no idea how to relate with them, and I don't want to learn.

I really feel like I would be quite content if I never saw a child again for the rest of my life.

I am not, nor could I ever be, a child molester, because the idea of doing something sexual to someone against their will is repulsive to me on every level. It is morally repulsive, emotionally repulsive, and yes, even sexually repulsive. The very thought is a barrier to sexual arousal.

But because people assume that merely feeling attraction towards children makes a person likely to sexually assault them, I am forced to live in hiding and in terror. I cannot describe the agony of having to live this way.

I am terrified of having even casual interactions with people, for fear of them finding out what I am. I know that if people found out, I would likely be killed, and certainly made homeless.

I'm trying this site in a desperate attempt to find people who will accept me knowing from the start what I am, while hopefully remaining safely anonymous. There is no overstating the risk I'm taking, but I just can't stand to stay in the closet anymore.

I don't mean to make this such a downer. What I'm describing is a simply physiological impulse, it's not something that defines who I am. I have interests and hobbies and aspirations that are very important to me and have nothing to do with having some taboo sexual feeling that I did not choose. But this small aspect of me, or rather the way other people would react to it, absolutely does define my life. This fear is ever-present, but there is far far more to me as a person.

OK, so this profile is pretty depressing, I know. So I'm going to try and do something more light-hearted. Here's how I compare to the stereotypes:

I don't wear aviator glasses.

I don't have a big 80s moustache. Or one of these:

http://youtu.be/15S0g8pG6HU

I do have a trenchcoat, but it's actually very stylish.

I don't drive a white van or an ice cream truck.

I'm not a priest. Or a scout leader.

I don't watch "My Little Pony". Yuck.

Or "Toddlers and Tiaras". Double yuck.

I do have a whole freezer full of popsicles, but you can't have any, they're all mine.

Are these jokes in bad taste? Send me a message and let me know.

So to sum up, I am a law abiding paedophile, living in fear for my life, trying to make friends or have some kind of human contact. I feel like it's hopeless. Please prove me wrong.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Living in hiding and trying not to let hopelessness get the better of me. Occasionally trying to reach out to people anonymously. Being repeatedly devastated by the results.

Just trying to survive.

Trying to find acceptance, friendship, and mental health support, to cope with my loneliness and fear.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Keeping my body's intense sexual responses from showing on my face in public, or at least I hope so. Also suppressing my fear in the same way. Tolerating the physical pain that suppression causes me. It's like the pain you feel when you're trying not to cry, but much more intense. Like being strangled. And once again, trying to keep that pain from showing.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Hopefully, nothing.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'd rather not discuss this in detail, because it would make it too easy to identify me. Suffice it to say I am a nerd. Having no social life tends to drive one towards interests and hobbies. I also have an interest in science. I kind of feel like I had no choice in that. If I did not have an understanding of myself that invalidated the stereotypes, I could not continue living.

I've been reading a lot of books related to sexuality and paedophile issues. I've recently checked out "Sex at Dawn", but I've been reading Judith Levine's "Harmful to Minors", and Sarah D Goode's "Understanding and Addressing
Sexual Attraction to Children", and I've been meaning to get to "The Trauma Myth" by Susan Clancy. I've thought about writing something myself, but there's no way anyone would publish it. I also read a Japanese series called "Kodomo no Jikan" that I thought would be trashy, but turned out to be surprisingly complex and well-written. Books on these topics are hard to find, so I'd love to get some recommendations from people.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I want to say "Acceptance" and "Friendship", but those are the things that I want to bring into my life.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Things that aren't suicide.

Sorry, I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote that. But I can't think of anything else to say.

I guess I spend a lot of time thinking about persecution. Decades ago, homosexuals were treated as deviants and sickos, and violently persecuted, all on the basis of stupid stereotypes and assumptions. While this still happens today, first world society as a whole has advanced, and most people are shocked and saddened that it was possible for people to hold such deep, visceral hatred on absolutely no basis.

Yet, these same people have the exact same kind of hatred towards paedophiles.

They don't even see the connection. Just like previous generations, they believe their prejudices are justified and necessary, completely unlike all that came before.

But the only difference is that one is currently socially acceptable, while the other only used to be. But being socially acceptable, it is an invisible injustice. And just like with homosexuality in previous generations, there is this McCarthian aspect to it in which anyone who speaks out against the persecution, or even fails to display sufficient vitriolic prejudice themselves, automatically become themselves suspect. Lives have been destroyed by false accusations of paedophilia. This has to change. But I am unable to do anything to further that change without risking myself. The most I can do is speak to people anonymously and try to reach them about what I go through every day. I suppose I'm hoping that their eyes will be opened, and they will share the experience and make others aware of what's going on, maybe inspiring some slow change. But I don't feel right asking people to do that, because it can put them at risk too.

I also think a lot about sexuality itself. When people reach puberty at around age 12, they immediately experience sexual attraction to others their own age. But even by age 15 or 16, they would be repulsed by the idea of being attracted to a 12 year old. What has happened in between? The appearance of 12 year olds didn't change. I think the change in psychological, peer pressure causes people to put mental blocks in place so they can't have socially unacceptable feelings.

Not that that explains how I was attracted to girls much younger than that from moment one. Something more complex is going on, and I have no idea what it is, because scientists are not allowed to study this aspect of sexuality.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Hiding.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
See above.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You should message me if you believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and won't judge me by feelings I never chose to have.

I'm here looking to have friendly interactions with other adults. I'm not here looking for any freaky stuff. I'm not here to try and get with somebody's kids. I'm not here to get with anyone. I just want to talk to people.

You should message me if you wish to understand me, without prejudice. Though, more likely you will message me to tell me I'm evil. Whatever.

You should message me if you wish to understand what paedophiles are actually like. Society teaches a very specific idea of what a paedophile is, and it could not be farther from the mark. If you'd like to look past the stereotypes and find out the reality, I'd very much like to help.

You should message me if you consider yourself open-minded and tolerant, and would like to put that to the ultimate test.

You can also message me if you can think of a way to make my profile less depressing.

To OKC staff:

You are probably going to see my profile get reported a lot. I beg you to show some tolerance towards be. I'm here to meet people just the same as everyone else, and I'm not breaking any rules.