Hello. Please have patience, because this is very difficult for me.
I am a very shy, gentle person, and I do my best to be compassionate and kind to the people around me.
I'm tired of being isolated. It's hard to trust, but I have to try. I'm looking for intelligent people who are accepting of differences and aren't prejudiced. Exceptionally rational and understanding people. Someone who can help me come out of my shell.
I live with severe depression, and an intense fear of other people. I have come on here to try and reach out to someone, in the hope of finding some acceptance. I am not going to identify myself by name on this profile, or show any pictures. The age on my profile is just a quarter century before the day I set up the profile, but it's close enough to my actual age. Some of you may know me already, and never have guessed at what I'm about to describe, and I'd prefer it to stay that way. People don't expect someone like me to be a good person. I will not identify myself to anyone unless I am convinced that they have given me their understanding and acceptance. Let me explain why.
Keep in mind, this is not a joke. This is deadly serious.
When I was 12, and I reached puberty, I immediately found that my sexual attractions towards girls were extremely strong, and not very specific. I was attracted to girls my own age and up, like the other boys. But unlike the other boys, my attractions were also towards girls my own age and down. To this day, I still experience attraction to girls aged anywhere between 3 and 30, and sometimes beyond. This is an involuntary thing, not something I ever chose, and not something I can ever change.
Technically, I am a paedophile. However, what I have learned about other people who are paedophiles, or at least the ones I've talked to, is that most of them seem to have psychological problems that motivate their attractions. Most of them seem to be seeking some quality of their own childhoods they feel they have lost. I do not experience that. Also, most paedophiles feel no attraction to adults and find the idea of a relationship with an adult unfulfilling. Unlike them, I do not experience different feelings towards adults than children. In fact, I seem to experience stronger attraction to adult women than most men do. That's just physical. My sex drive is overwhelming, but I require more. I'm drawn to maturity. But I find myself feeling like it's impossible for me to be with someone who isn't disgusted by me unless I conceal the truth from them. I don't want to do that.
I don't consider it a paraphilia, I consider it the absence of one. The way I describe it is that it's like the difference between finding an Asian woman attractive, and having an Asian girl fetish. The first is just an attraction to someone who happens to belong to a certain group. The second is creepy and dehumanising, and suggests a psychological obsession.
Contrary to popular belief, I never experienced sexual abuse as a child. Most paedophiles can say the same, even the really disturbed ones. Paedophilia is not contagious. In fact, it's not an illness at all.
My attractions seem to be caused by hormones. I don't even like kids most of the time. I don't judge kids any differently from anyone else, and I don't like being around people who are immature, and most kids are very immature. Though, honestly, so are most adults, just not quite so obnoxiously. But since I frequently find female children very beautiful, and society in general sees that as monstrous, I have actually developed very intense paedophobia. Even towards boys, since being falsely accused of being attracted to boys would certainly expose me as attracted to girls. If I were exposed, I would certainly be dead within a year at most.
I really don't like kids. This is basically me:
They make me uncomfortable and I have no idea how to relate with them, and I don't want to learn.
I really feel like I would be quite content if I never saw a child again for the rest of my life.
I am not, nor could I ever be, a child molester, because the idea of doing something sexual to someone against their will is repulsive to me on every level. It is morally repulsive, emotionally repulsive, and yes, even sexually repulsive. The very thought is a barrier to sexual arousal.
But because people assume that merely feeling attraction towards children makes a person likely to sexually assault them, I am forced to live in hiding and in terror. I cannot describe the agony of having to live this way.
I am terrified of having even casual interactions with people, for fear of them finding out what I am. I know that if people found out, I would likely be killed, and certainly made homeless.
I'm trying this site in a desperate attempt to find people who will accept me knowing from the start what I am, while hopefully remaining safely anonymous. There is no overstating the risk I'm taking, but I just can't stand to stay in the closet anymore.
I don't mean to make this such a downer. What I'm describing is a simply physiological impulse, it's not something that defines who I am. I have interests and hobbies and aspirations that are very important to me and have nothing to do with having some taboo sexual feeling that I did not choose. But this small aspect of me, or rather the way other people would react to it, absolutely does define my life. This fear is ever-present, but there is far far more to me as a person. Unfortunately, I just can't really discuss it here.
Keep this in mind. You may know me. You may have spoken to me. You may have seen me. And even if you haven't, you know people who experience the same feeling. They're your friends and your family members. They're 5-20% of the people you know. Think of that before you let your impulse reactions tell you how you should feel.
Here is an article I found on the subject: http://www.cracked.com/article_20981_5-ways-were-making-pedophilia-worse.html
OK, so this profile is pretty depressing, I know. So I'm going to try and do something more light-hearted. Here's how I compare to the stereotypes:
I don't wear aviator glasses.
I don't have a big 80s moustache. Or one of these:
I do have a trenchcoat, but it's actually very stylish.
I don't drive a white van or an ice cream truck.
I'm not a priest. Or a scout leader.
I don't watch "My Little Pony". Yuck.
Or "Toddlers and Tiaras". Double yuck.
I do have a whole freezer full of popsicles, but you can't have any, they're all mine.
Are these jokes in bad taste? Send me a message and let me know.
So to sum up, I am a law abiding paedophile, living in fear for my life, trying to make friends or have some kind of human contact. I feel like it's hopeless. Please prove me wrong.