OK, there's the profile I keep on here 99 percent of the time that's tame and honest, albeit a little boring. And then there's this profile, which is a more accurate portrayal of how I really feel. I'll keep this one up for tonight only (unless I forget to remove it).
I'll probably forget.
* For all those who say how turned off they are by receiving pics of guys' junk: You're just egging these guys on. It's like driving around Central with the bumper sticker, "I hate tailgaters." Besides, saying that is not going to stop it. In fact, it probably has the opposite effect.
* For those who talk about how much they hate the shirtless pics: I agree. Kinda ridiculous. But then again, so is displaying a bunch of pics – for all the world to see, no less – with your boobs hanging out. I get it. You've got boobs.
* Speaking of which … for those who have pics with their boobs barely contained in their swimsuit, blouse or dress: I find it hilarious when you put down "eyes" under the section "The first things people usually notice about me." Umm, yeah, that's what we're looking at. Your giant eyes.
* If you drone on and on about how much you hate it when people use poor grammar, one piece of advice: You better make damn sure your post isn't chock-full of grammar and punctuation errors. Just sayin.'
* Please don't complain about guys not reading all the way through your profile. First off, we do the same thing you do: We skim through your pics first. Then we skim through your profile and details. We might – might – look at your Q&A. But if you're going to complain about others not reading through your profiles, then you better make sure you read through the profiles of the guys you respond to.
* Yes, I make decent money. And, no, it's none of your damn business how much I make. So stop asking.
* Here's reason No. 459 why guys often send short, ridiculous messages: Because, more times than not, you're not going to read your messages all the way through, no matter how long or short, primarily because you get a million (mostly creepy) messages a day. But if you're going to ask guys to send you well thought-out messages, you should put some thought into your own responses.
* My profile name is ILuvMy2Kids, I clearly state that I have children, and I even have a pic of me and the girls. So, for cryin' out loud, if you're considering going out with me, please be OK with kids.
* Every man who answers "no" to the question, "Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?" is either, A) Lying; B) A virgin; C) Gay; or D) All of the above.
* Hint for the spammers who use fake profiles to lure horny idiots to some sex site: You gotta post more than one pic, the pic (or pics) you post can't look like a Playboy model, you can't say you're looking for casual sex, and your age range can't be 18-74. How do I know all this? Umm … my friend told me.
* For married women who are looking for some side action on OKCupid: You're creepy, dude.
I've met some amazing women on here, and while most of those "relationships" didn't last more than a couple of months (or one or two dates), I'm still friends with many of them. But, since I'm burning every bridge possible, I might as well go on. Here's my Top 5 Worst OKCupid Dates:
5) One woman literally screamed at me and questioned my sexual orientation when I told her I didn't want to, umm, well, use your imagination. That was our first date. And our last. ("No man tells me 'no' unless they're gay," she said. "Well, I guess that makes me gay," I said. Then came the screaming and cursing. Awesome.)
4) For one first date, I accidentally showed up 15 minutes late – and at the wrong restaurant (this has happened to me before; I'm not exactly Magellan when it comes to finding my way around town). Anyway, she was very sweet about it, and we laughed it off. About 20 minutes in, she tells me that she really hasn't gotten over her fiancee. That's right, her FIANCEE. They're married now. I'm sure that'll work out great.
3) One nice lady seemed the perfect match: She was close to my age, good job, independent, intelligent, Christian, never married, no kids, no baggage, no drama. Hell, it's more than I can say about myself. Anyway, she asked me about my day, so I told her about my hectic morning getting the girls ready for school. It was actually a pretty tame, typical day at my household. Afterward, she said, "Wow. I'm glad I don't have kids. Seems like a lot of drama." Strike one. "So," I said, "have you ever dated a man who has kids?" "Yes," she said, "at my age, you don't really have a choice." Wrong answer (and strike two). Then, finally, when I asked her, "So, did you ever consider having children?" "No," she said, "I can't stand them." Strike three. (And why in the hell did she go out with me in the first place?!)
2) On another first date, one lady asked me what I was looking for in a woman. Completely unprepared to answer that question, I gave a generic answer: intelligent, honest, loyal, career-driven, attractive, sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. But I also added this: "She also has to understand that my girls come first, and she needs to be a good role model if she's ever around my kids." Things immediately went downhill from there. "Are you kidding me?," she said, ignoring the first part of my answer. "You mean to tell me that I will always come second to your girls, AND I have to be a good role model?" "Umm … yes. That's exactly what I mean." The dated didn't last much longer.
And my favorite worst OKCupid date …
1) My first date with this woman went OK. Not great, but not terrible, either. She was a nice lady, had a big heart (not a euphemism) and, quite frankly, was very attractive. So I wanted to give it another shot and asked her out for a second date. She agreed. So, I took her to my fave seafood restaurant. The food is fantastic, and the place is always empty (seriously, I have no idea how they stay in business), so I knew it would be a little more intimate than our first date, which was at some bar. Anyway, halfway through our meal, she announced, really loud, "I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW." Not wanting to embarrass her, I politely pointed out the restroom and acted like it was a perfectly normal thing to announce to the entire restaurant. Then I waited. And waited. Finally, after about 20 minutes, I figured that she: A) Had slipped out the restaurant through a bathroom window; B) Had a bad case of diarrhea, or; C) Was making herself puke in the bathroom. Two refills of soda later, she finally emerged from the bathroom. I acted like nothing had happened. After dinner, she asked if I wanted to go back to my house to continue the conversation. I said "sure." (Don't get your panties in a wad; she's not the sleeping-around type, and I knew all she wanted to do was talk.) Anyway, we headed back to my place and continued chatting for a while. Finally, after about 15 minutes, she did the same thing. She told me, unusually loud and forcefully, "I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW." "Umm, sure," I said, "just use my bathroom." Instead, she used the girls' bathroom. So I waited. And waited. And waited. Now, this woman was not the type who would be in there snorting a line of coke from my girls' bathroom. She's pretty innocent. So, again, I figured she either had IBS or was shoving a finger down her throat. I'm a little ashamed to admit this next part, but I quietly walked near the bathroom after about 30 MINUTES and got close enough to listen for any shenanigans that might be going on. Nothing. Absolute silence. Finally, after 35 MINUTES (yes, I kept track of time), she finally emerged and said, "Whew! That was fun." WHAT'S THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! After about 10 minutes, I made up some excuse about having to get back to work, and politely walked her back to her car. That was our last date.
So, there you have it. You won't find pics of me climbing some mountain or on some exotic vacation. I don't play tennis, and I don't golf. I'd much rather have a cup of coffee than a glass of wine. And on my last date, when I asked the girl where she wanted to go out to eat (she hated my first choice), I was praying that she would say Denny's (she picked an expensive French bistro. Lucky me.).
I watch way too much sports, I scratch myself at inappropriate times, I curse like a sailor, I'm a smoker and I work too many hours. And my work attire usually consists of a "Star Wars" T-shirt and a pair of shorts that are so old, I'm not sure what the original color was supposed to be. My six-pack abs have slowly evolved into a party ball, and my hair is very confused: it's coming and going in all the wrong places.
But above all else, I treat everyone with kindness, I'm a Christian, and I work very hard at being a good dad.
So, good luck to all who are on here. Have fun with it, be safe, and above all else: Be yourself.
(And, oh yeah, please remind me to sub in the NORMAL profile.)