I fully expect that our first date will end with lots of horizontal bumping and savage mating. This will occur at your place since I don’t want you to know where I live, but I won’t be spending the night because I abhor cuddling. You know this in advance, yet you’ll have the fridge stocked full of Keystone Light, because you know it’s my favorite.
Your friends will hate me, but I’ll eventually convince you that they’re really not your friends at all. They’re simply jealous that you have a beau to watch Friday Night Fights with, while they are home alone watching Oxygen Channel.
When we go out, I’ll accept your offers to pay since I’m unemployed. We’ll go to sports bars and watch the local team, and I’ll be wearing my high school football jersey, just to remind you of how great of an athlete I used to be. I’ll end up super-drunk and inform all the random bar folks that one day I’m gonna make an honest woman outta you. You’ll blush…
I'll take you to your company Christmas party and refer to your boss as "Bro", and then tell your direct reports about how awkwardly cute you were during our first sexual encounter. On the dance floor, however, I'll light things up by loudly crooning along with the music, because reefer always brings out my creative side.
Your dad and mom will like me, even though they'll pretend they don't.
For those aiming a bit higher: Outgoing, energetic, educated, well-traveled semi-alpha type with a sarcastic sense of humor; entrepreneur imported from Ohio who loves dogs, craft beer and socializing. Self-taught in all the construction trades, I build, remodel, construct and design shit in my spare time...be it the renovation of my 1931 house or a certain piece of furniture I've had my eye on.