... you're not a fucking imbecile. That would be a start.
... you're not going to ask me on a date in your first message. I
know you think it makes you seem confident, but it really does not.
It makes you seem like someone who rushes into stuff. You've
probably had a bunch of awful dates from this place, and are
blaming the site, men in general, etc. Blame yourself, you
... you're a complete mismatch for me, are fucking unhinged, and
can picture us arguing all the time. THIS IS REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY,
- Your entire personality can be summed up with the word
... you're a fabulously wealthy older lady who wishes to support my
artistic lifestyle in return for my ravishing you senseless on a
... you're like five foot nothing or something. I like to feel
tall. Getting boxes of Ready Brek down from the top shelf for old
ladies just isn't cutting it any more. (On reflection, this bit
seems kind of like I'm excluding anyone who is five foot one and
over. Of course I'm not! Just, yanno, be smaller than me? And even
if you're taller than me, you can still be smaller than me. You
work it out.)
... your love for me is like a truck, Berserker. And, consequently,
you want to making fuck...Berserker.
... you have a really nice bottom. Can I say that? Is that sexist?
Do people still have nice bottoms? Do you think you have a nice
bottom? Women hate their bottoms, right? So if you think yours is
nice, then it's probably amazing. And you're probably a horrible
person. Probably. Anyway, forget this bit. It's probably
... you've ever put on full make-up and a nice dress when you
weren't doing anything more exciting than having a night in with
the long term boyfriend. That sort of behaviour wins all my brownie
points. It's thoughtful and lovely, and YOU'RE lovely. No, you are.
... you're not still with that cunt who you used to dress up for,
just to watch the fucking X-Factor. You mug.
... you know that last bit was just a joke. Not about still being
with the guy; about you being a mug. You're NOT a mug. You're
... you're hilarious and yet somehow still attractive. Shut up,
I've seen it happen.
... you've figured out how to click the blue links on this page and
are now well-versed in my blogs, my first book, my video and just
how amazing I am in general. Please make specific references to how
you liked the characterisation, the plotting and the twists. It
would also help if you said some stuff about my penis being
... you're not racist or prejudiced or closed minded and have
... you love old school glamour; stockings, heels, vintage
lingerie, great hair and make up- basically if you just fucking
love being a woman.
... you're good at balancing priorities when it comes to love and
all that jazz
... you're ridiculously submissive in the bedroom, despite being an
engaging, challenging human being with a strong personality outside
of it. Shut up, I can dream.
... this is your tumblr, because you're hilarious
Anyway, throw me a message. I'm nicer than I might seem. If I
ignore your message, please don't hate me. Hate yourself. For being
so unattractive :-)