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36 M London, UK

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 25–46
  • Near me
  • For new friends

My Details

Last Online
Today – 5:21am
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
Other, and laughing about it
Taurus, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from two-year college
Art / Music / Writing
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Has a kid, and might want more
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), Irish (Poorly), German (Poorly), Polish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
*ATTENTION! If you're an American lady and are offended by my liberal use of 'the c-word', please note that in the UK it means something much less offensive, and isn't considered a specifically female term of abuse. Unless I'm saying it to you, obviously. *

Hello, females. I don't live in Essex anymore, I'm not Irish, and I am a girl. Only one of those things is actually correct, but if I like you enough, I can try to make the others come true. And your dreams.

This is a very long profile. You can totes save yourself a bunch of time reading it, with this handy checklist.

Do you think the following things are an acceptable substitute for having an actual personality?

- Telling me you 'do yoga'
- Showing me photographs of you in a foreign country
- Showing me photographs of you climbing up things
- Showing me photographs of you falling out of things
- Saying that you 'don't take yourself too seriously'
- A picture of you with a 'comedy' moustache
- A picture of you with an actual moustache
- Telling me you 'love music' - Who doesn't?
- Telling me you like 'nights out and staying in' - Who doesn't?
- Telling me you love 'having fun' - Who doesn't?
- Telling me you 'like your friends'. Who doesn't like their own friends, for God's sake?

Oh right, yeah.
My bad.

Anyway, if you answered 'Yes!' to more than three of these, there is no need to proceed! Enjoy your delightful life; full as it will be, with amazing, epic adventures, and fulfilling, g-spot-pounding sex.

Btw, if you put 'Ask me!' as an answer to any of the sections in your profile, you are an idiot who doesn't understand the concept of okcupid. May your day be filled with one line messages and pictures of engorged penises. You only have yourself to blame.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I have a lot in common with Patrick Swayze. Well, I mean, people usually assume I'm going to be taller. Okay, I can't dance or do martial arts. And I'm constantly putting babies in corners. I did have pancreatic cancer though, and I am dead.

I'm a writer, which means about as fuck-all these days as saying 'I'm a model', or 'I'm on Celebrity Big Brother'.

I've published a novel, (or go here and people seem to actually love it. So I'm probably good at that. I've also published another novel, called Girl Afraid, which did even better, but you can find that for yourself.

I also write for a website called Screen Robot, because I love films, and you should love films too. I mean, really love them. You should know who that actor is, and you should know what he was in before, and you should know who directed this, and what else he directed. If you don't know that, I don't even wanna know you.

Why not watch some videos of me talking through my actual face?l here and here? If you make them full screen, you get a literally life sized version of my head. ( and if you need a copy paste link)

(btw, if you don't see blue text or links to click, try viewing this page on a real computer later xx)

At the moment, I'm working on a Young Adult book which is a challenge, considering I can't put any fisting in it, and no one says 'SHUT UP, TOM; YOU FUCKING CUNTCUPBOARD', ever. It's quite difficult to write believable teenage dialogue, but the inability to do so doesn't seem to have harmed John Green's career (MEEEEOWWW).

I'm also writing some utter filth. If you want to have a read, and you really do, there's a large sample here Click Me. Remember that it's basically a shop window for how good I am at sex, and possibly writing. Mostly sex though. Cheers.

I write blogs too, and I've written a couple of children's picture books, which are not utter filth. I can show you them if I ever take you up Waterstone's some afternoon (Not a euphemism).

Sometimes I write blogs about okcupid, such as here or here or here. HOW META.

My name is not Ciarán West, btw. If only it were. If only.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Raising the expectations of women on dating sites, then turning up at their houses, all five foot three of me, bald, and with the genitals of a moth.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
is that they have 46 consecutive Whatsapp messages from me, 24 of which are moodily lit Instagram filtered portraits of my scrotum.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
I'm reading one of my own books at the moment. I am literally that much of a cunt.

TV? Spaced, Game of Thrones, Have I Got News For You, Brasseye, The Day Today, Look Around You, Homeland, Alan Partridge, Fist of Fun, Ponderland, other stuff.

Comedians? Doug Stanhope, Chris Rock, Dylan Moran, Russell Brand, Stewart Lee, other people.

Food: I will cook the shit out of some dinner for you. Which is good, because leaving it in would taste disgusting.

Music: I don't like music, as I am deaf.

Movies: I think you'll find they're called 'films'.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
The toes on my right foot.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Why, if you can clearly see that it says your location in the little thingy at the start of the profile (with your age, gender, status and sexuality), the first thing you say in your self-summary is 'Living in London!'? WELL DONE! WELL DONE ON NOT BEING DEAD IN LONDON. Now tell me something bordering on interesting, you self-absorbed geographile.

Why the girls okcupid suggest I 'might like' are girls to whom I've already given five stars, or sent unsolicited cock pictures. Tell me something I don't already know, okcupid! Like, for instance, how magnets work.

The Smiths, and how listening to them is like getting into a time machine and revisiting a wonderful, bittersweet world; where I hadn't kissed a girl yet, and acne ruled my life. Jesus God, I wanted to kiss someone under the iron bridge, and end up with sore lips.

How judgey you all are, based on your answers to the okcupid questions. Judgey, judgey, judgey. 'I couldn't date someone who does drugs!' 'A college education is necessary!' 'Ewww, people who aren't the same race as me!' Loosen up, anal-clenchers. Life's too short.

How men from Essex can't publicly urinate without exhaling loudly and exclaiming 'Oof! Fackin' 'ell!'. It's like, the law, or something. And they can't bring their kids into a cubicle without constantly telling them not to touch stuff. If left unattended, do Essex children just run around touching unclean surfaces and licking the germs off their fingers? With aplomb? One can only hope so.

This part of this film. Victoria is so hilarious. click me
Knee length socks
My next book
Boyshorts on girls
1980s home computers
Michelle Phan tutorial videos
Very petite girls
Jillian Michaels in some yoga pants
Cooking Vietnamese and Chinese things
Eva Green
Women with good hair
This song/video/woman <3 Click me!
Quietly confident women
World Peace
Gay Rights

Basically, I spend a lot of time thinking.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Up to my nuts in some tawdry slattern, while remaining distinctly 'emotionally unavailable'. That, or watching Orange is the New Black with my cat. That's a lie. I don't have a cat. I watch it with my lesbian.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My penis is very handsome. Like, if you saw my penis walking down the street, you'd be all 'HEY! I THOUGHT PAUL NEWMAN WAS DEAD!!!'

The younger Paul Newman, I meant. It wasn't a good example, was it? Now you're thinking of my penis as the older, Road To Perdition Paul Newman. Still a fine looking fellow, of course. But a bit liver-spotted and incontinent.

Maybe I should have said Marlon Brando? The young, thinner Marlon Brando; not the later, very fat one. Yeah, because I couldn't have you thinking of my penis as fat, rather than thin.

Fuck, I am no good at this.

Brad Pitt. My penis is Brad Pitt. That's the end of it. Not the end of my penis. That doesn't look like Brad Pitt. Unless he's wearing a helmet or something.

Okay, I'm done now.

UPDATE: My penis is actually James Dean. After three good performances, he's dead.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
... you're not a fucking imbecile, that would be a start.

... you look vaguely like your photographs on here. And by 'vaguely', I mean 'exactly'.

... you're not going to ask me how my weekend was. No one has ever opened with that line and turned out to have a vagina worth exploring. I've done the research.

- your entire personality can be summed up with the word 'cleavage'.

... you're a fabulously wealthy older lady who wishes to support my artistic lifestyle in return for my ravishing you senseless on a thrice-daily basis.

... you're a tiny little tiny thing, who's really tiny. If you're small, basically. Or not. Look, I don't care. I'm deaf, remember? Pardon?

... you're deaf.

... your love for me is like a truck, Berserker. And, consequently, you want to making fuck...Berserker.

... your arse is like two tennis balls inside an unblown balloon.

... you have a lovely personality. LOL, j/k

... you're hilarious and yet somehow still attractive. Shut up, I've seen it happen.

... you've read at least the freebie first 10% of either of my books. Otherwise, why are you even bothering? Really, come on. Do the research, girl.

... you're not racist or prejudiced or closed minded and

... you noticed I didn't finish that last sentence.

... you love old school glamour; stockings, heels, vintage lingerie, great hair and make up- basically if you just fucking love being a woman.

... you're ridiculously submissive in the bedroom, despite being an engaging, challenging human being with a strong personality outside of it. Not too challenging, though. Or I'll slap ya.

Anyway, throw me a message. I'm nicer than I might seem. If I ignore your message, please don't hate me. Hate yourself. For being so unattractive :-)