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36 M London, United Kingdom

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 9:32pm
Middle Eastern, Black, Indian, White, Other
5′ 9″ (1.75m)
Body Type
Strictly anything
Other, and laughing about it
Taurus, but it doesn’t matter
Graduated from two-year college
Art / Music / Writing
Less than $20,000
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Has a kid, and might want more
Likes dogs and likes cats
English (Fluently), Irish (Poorly), German (Poorly), Polish (Poorly)

Similar Users

My self-summary
Okcupid tells me that I 'have visitors turned on'. You're welcome, ladies. It was almost exclusively my pleasure.

(spoiler: it was mostly yours)

Hey, random females! This is a long profile. You can totes save yourself a bunch of time reading it, with this handy checklist. Btw, I'm not in Essex anymore. Hampton now, but I still hold the values of TOWIE as absolute gospel. REEM. Etc

Do you think the following things are an acceptable substitute for having an actual personality?

- Telling me you 'do yoga'
- Showing me photographs of you in a foreign country
- Showing me photographs of you climbing up things
- Showing me photographs of you falling out of things
- Saying that you 'don't take yourself too seriously'
- Telling me that you love cake
- A photo of you with Tom Hardy
- Telling me you 'love music'
- Telling me you like 'nights out and staying in'
- Telling me you love 'having fun'
- Telling me you like your friends

If you answered 'Yes!' to more than three of these, there is no need to proceed! Enjoy your delightful life; full as it will be, with amazing, epic adventures, and fulfilling, g-spot-pounding sex.
What I’m doing with my life

I'm a writer, hopefully. A poverty-stricken, deeply-poetic, devastatingly passable-looking, substance-abusing, Irish novelist. Like all the best ones, then.

I've published a novel, (or go here and people seem to actually love it. So I'm probably good at that. I've also published another novel, called Girl Afraid, which did even better, but you can find that for yourself. There are lots of 5 star reviews on (and a few on the, but here's some from actual book reviewers, if you're interested. Click Me (

I also write for a website called Screen Robot, but they don't pay me, so they're not getting a hyperlink.

(btw, if you ever read anything I write and think to yourself, 'Hmmm. Lots of split infinitives and sentences ending with prepositions; can't be that good at writing...', you're concentrating on a pair of rules which haven't mattered in the last 100 years and never mattered anyway. Stop it.)

Why not watch some videos of me talking through my actual face about it all here and here? If you make them full screen, you can pretend that I'm already your boyfriend. ( and if you need a copy paste link)

(btw, if you don't see blue text or links to click, try viewing this page on a real computer later xx)

At the moment, I'm working on a Young Adult book which is a challenge, considering I can't put any fisting in it, and no one says 'SHUT UP, TOM; YOU FUCKING CUNTCUPBOARD', ever. It's quite difficult to write believable teenage dialogue, but the inability to do so doesn't seem to have harmed John Green's career (MEEEEOWWW).

I'm also writing some children's picture books (There's a couple of mine already out there in the shops, even if I didn't get a name check on them) and some Bandwagon Mommy Porn, which is much better than Fifty Shades of Grey, so I expect to sell approximately EIGHT copies.

I have some blogs which I update sporadically; one is a funny one about being a struggling writer (, the other is a movie one where I do hilarious [citation needed] reviews of films and TV programmes which I love (old or new). ( Oh, and this brand new one, which will be updated every day: Probably NSFW ( That one's the BEST one. I promise.

Sometimes I even write blogs about okcupid, such as here or here or here. HOW META.

I realise I have given you many, many ways to stalk (and eventually kill) me, but for starters, Ciarán West is just a pen name, so back to the fucking drawing board there, Barry George types.
I’m really good at
Writing [citation needed], Looking after people, cooking delicious food, kissing, buying thoughtful gifts, psychoanalysing people when they didn't ask for it, kissing, complimenting your hair and your make-up, making people laugh (only some people though), kissing, being a parent to my lovely child, cunnilingus, and extremely inappropriate juxtaposing.
The first things people usually notice about me
That I've been standing in the liquor section for at least three hours, talking into my phone headset.

The second thing they notice is that I'm not wearing a phone headset.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm reading a lot of biographies at the moment; Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross, etc. It helps me to create characters much more than just reading other people's fiction might. I do need to read more fiction though.

TV? Spaced, Game of Thrones, Have I Got News For You, Brasseye, The Day Today, Look Around You, Homeland, Alan Partridge, Fist of Fun, Ponderland, other stuff.

Comedians? Doug Stanhope, Chris Rock, Dylan Moran, Russell Brand, Stewart Lee, other people.

Food: I love cooking now. Pasta, Asian stuff, traditional stuff, loads. I do a mean Kung Pao Chicken, and some very authentic Vietnamese. I mean, they taste authentic to me, and other white people. I've never asked any of the waiters at my local Vietnamese place to try. Because they always look kind of cross, and I probably smell like milk to them.

Music: I was a teenager in the 1990s, and I was into Britpop and Grunge and The Prodigy and all that sort of stuff. I love other music too, but it really doesn't matter. I like music, just like everyone else does. I don't give a flying fuck what kind of music you're into. It doesn't define you. If I liked everything else about you and found out you were into some sort of music that I didn't like though... absolutely no fucks would be given.

Movies... I love films, I really do. I'm not going to list them; I love so many, it would be an exercise in futility. I'll just have a look at yours, and we'll take it from there. Okay?

Ghost, though. Ghost. Most romantic film, ever. If you don't agree, I don't even want to know you.
The six things I could never do without
My hilarious daughter, the world wide interwebs, my talented fingers, Ellen Von Unwerth, caffeine, constant adulation.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why, if you can clearly see that it says your location in the little thingy at the start of the profile (with your age, gender, status and sexuality), the first thing you say in your self-summary is 'Living in London!'? WELL DONE! WELL DONE ON NOT BEING DEAD IN LONDON. Now tell me something bordering on interesting, you self-absorbed geographile.

Why the girls okcupid suggest I 'might like' are either girls I have already given five stars (nice work, Columbo!), or girls with whom I have a 45% Enemy rating. 45%? If I wanted to find a girl who was that much of a bad match, I'd just hang around the smoking area in from a Yates' Wine Lodge, with a Staff terrier on a leash, while wearing a BNP t-shirt. Thanks for nothing, OKC.

The Smiths, and how listening to them is like getting into a time machine and revisiting a wonderful, bittersweet world; where I hadn't kissed a girl yet, and acne ruled my life. Jesus God, I wanted to kiss someone under the iron bridge, and end up with sore lips.

How judgey you all are, based on your answers to the okcupid questions. Judgey, judgey, judgey. 'I couldn't date someone who does drugs!' 'A college education is necessary!' 'Ewww, people who aren't the same race as me!' Loosen up, anal-clenchers. Life's too short.

How men from Essex can't publicly urinate without exhaling loudly and exclaiming 'Oof! Fackin' 'ell!'. It's like, the law, or something. And they can't bring their kids into a cubicle without constantly telling them not to touch stuff. If left unattended, do Essex children just run around touching unclean surfaces and licking the germs off their fingers? With aplomb? One can only hope so.

This part of this film. Victoria is so hilarious. click me
Knee length socks
My next book
Boyshorts on girls
1980s home computers
Michelle Phan tutorial videos
Very petite girls
Jillian Michaels in some yoga pants
Cooking Vietnamese and Chinese things
Eva Green!
Women with good hair
This song/video/woman <3 Click me!
Quietly confident women
World Peace
Gay Rights

Basically, I spend a lot of time thinking.
On a typical Friday night I am
Astride you, bending your legs into positions a contortionist would fear, whilst pulling a face which either means 'I AM VERY CLOSE TO EJACULATING!', or simply 'I adore you.'
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My penis is very handsome. Like, if you saw my penis walking down the street, you'd be all 'HEY! I THOUGHT PAUL NEWMAN WAS DEAD!!!'

The younger Paul Newman, I meant. It wasn't a good example, was it? Now you're thinking of my penis as the older, Road To Perdition Paul Newman. Still a fine looking fellow, of course. But a bit liver-spotted and incontinent.

Maybe I should have said Marlon Brando? The young, thinner Marlon Brando; not the later, very fat one. Yeah, because I couldn't have you thinking of my penis as fat, rather than thin.

Fuck, I am no good at this.

Brad Pitt. My penis is Brad Pitt. That's the end of it. Not the end of my penis. That doesn't look like Brad Pitt. Unless he's wearing a helmet or something.

Okay, I'm done now.

UPDATE: My penis is actually James Dean. After three good performances, he's dead.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 22–45
  • Near me
  • For new friends
You should message me if
... you're not a fucking imbecile. That would be a start.

... you're not going to ask me on a date in your first message. I know you think it makes you seem confident, but it really does not. It makes you seem like someone who rushes into stuff. You've probably had a bunch of awful dates from this place, and are blaming the site, men in general, etc. Blame yourself, you can't-wait-five-seconds bitch.

... you're a complete mismatch for me, are fucking unhinged, and can picture us arguing all the time. THIS IS REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, BTW.

- Your entire personality can be summed up with the word 'cleavage'.

... you're a fabulously wealthy older lady who wishes to support my artistic lifestyle in return for my ravishing you senseless on a thrice-daily basis.

... you're like five foot nothing or something. I like to feel tall. Getting boxes of Ready Brek down from the top shelf for old ladies just isn't cutting it any more. (On reflection, this bit seems kind of like I'm excluding anyone who is five foot one and over. Of course I'm not! Just, yanno, be smaller than me? And even if you're taller than me, you can still be smaller than me. You work it out.)

... your love for me is like a truck, Berserker. And, consequently, you want to making fuck...Berserker.

... you have a really nice bottom. Can I say that? Is that sexist? Do people still have nice bottoms? Do you think you have a nice bottom? Women hate their bottoms, right? So if you think yours is nice, then it's probably amazing. And you're probably a horrible person. Probably. Anyway, forget this bit. It's probably racist.

... you've ever put on full make-up and a nice dress when you weren't doing anything more exciting than having a night in with the long term boyfriend. That sort of behaviour wins all my brownie points. It's thoughtful and lovely, and YOU'RE lovely. No, you are. You are.

... you're not still with that cunt who you used to dress up for, just to watch the fucking X-Factor. You mug.

... you know that last bit was just a joke. Not about still being with the guy; about you being a mug. You're NOT a mug. You're lovely. Awwww.

... you're hilarious and yet somehow still attractive. Shut up, I've seen it happen.

... you've figured out how to click the blue links on this page and are now well-versed in my blogs, my first book, my video and just how amazing I am in general. Please make specific references to how you liked the characterisation, the plotting and the twists. It would also help if you said some stuff about my penis being brilliant.

... you're not racist or prejudiced or closed minded and have breasts.

... you love old school glamour; stockings, heels, vintage lingerie, great hair and make up- basically if you just fucking love being a woman.

... you're good at balancing priorities when it comes to love and all that jazz

... you're ridiculously submissive in the bedroom, despite being an engaging, challenging human being with a strong personality outside of it. Shut up, I can dream.

... this is your tumblr, because you're hilarious

Anyway, throw me a message. I'm nicer than I might seem. If I ignore your message, please don't hate me. Hate yourself. For being so unattractive :-)