My absolute biggest influence in terms of my art, my life, my writing, my way of thinking passed away this week. It's quite shocking- I knew he was in poor health, but I didn't think it was quite this bad.

I had just called his studio two weeks ago.

If you haven't seen the works of Robert Rauschenberg, you haven't seen art.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/14/arts/design/14rauschenberg.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

The man was not only an artist but a creator, a revolutionary. He was the granddaddy of all mixed media.

This is a pretty big deal to me. Sorry if it seems weird that I'm so upset over an icon passing away, but I don't know if anyone understands the connection that I have always discovered with him. I think the only person that may begin to grasp that is my painting advisor, Ben.

Anyway, he will forever live through my works.

...those who cannot read and write but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." -Alvin Toffler
I've learned that a college education (particularly at a private, liberal arts institution) essentially trains you to be an arrogant prick. They don't tell you that this what they are teaching you, but it's true. I have learned over the past four years how to feel more privileged than anyone else- I now know the feeling of superiority that has been instilled in me.
My next goal is to tear this shit down. Don't get me wrong, I've loved every moment of my time at Lawrence, I just don't want to turn into an egotistical bastard.
How do I strike a balance from maintaing pride in my education and how far I've come with still knowing where my background lies?
The thoughts I have when daydreaming in class.
I'm sorry to all of those people who I may have been a complete asshole to in regards to learning (particularly Art and English). I think majors should be renamed "Areas Where You Feel You are the Supreme God, but, in Reality, You Don't Know Jack Fucking Shit."

I shouldn't be allowed to post blogs on Mondays.

I really shouldn't be allowed to post ever. I'm just a bitter, ranting ol' fool.

So yesterday I went into work to do some intense cleaning at the shop, and I went through with Project Playboy: Phase Two. Really, I just thought of that name. The first installment involved the huge box of old Playboys in the employee bathroom and even the hidden ones mysteriously disappearing. I wonder who could have done that?!

Phase Two involved said anonymous person printing out pictures of the world's most interesting faces (i.e. Rosie O'Donnell, Gene Simmons, and Michael Jackson) and pasting them over the heads of whatever picture had boobs. Yep. Pretty amazing. I think about fifty pictures in all. I'm not sure if they noticed or not yet- I'm sure I'll here about it when I go in on Wednesday.

I don't know why I hate those magazines (and strip clubs for that matter) so vehemently, but I do. Okay, so I do know why- I'm a bit of a feminist. Not an intense feminazi, but I'm definitely a feminist. Especially being an art history major, I have seen women as the object of the gaze, the muse in art for so long (you know, we're talking a couple of millenia), and it fucking pisses me off. I don't think I could even consider myself a good art history major if I didn't realize it or if it didn't piss me off. Women are treated simply as something for men to ogle over, and I really can't stand it. People say I get a little too intense about this, but it's something I really, really, really, really feel strongly about. I'm sorry that I don't believe in the further subjugation of women. I apologize.

It would be amazing if men could be subjugated in some form- just to see the point- but it would also be very impossible- women have been trained to be the object, men the viewer, so to reverse that would take an insane amount of time. The system is so fucked up, I tell you.

Wow. Okay, I'm really sorry- I'm done with that rant. I swear, I don't have any opinions about anything.

I got an e-mail back from one of my favorite artists a few hours ago, so that made me really happy. Yay! I also had a most excellent weekend, and it was beautiful out today, so I really am in a good mood. I swear, I'm not this bitter-sounding all the time.

I am a bit stressed out with work because it seems like every somewhat big project I have to do this term is due this week. Oh well- get it over with, right?

I also found an old stash of guaches at home. I went through all my old photos and organized them too- I have way too many! Wow. Definitely amusing, though.

I should probably head out- I have to prepare for a bit of smackdown laying at staff meeting tonight- ugh, I hate having to do that. I might end up taking a walk later tonight because I've been having a hard time falling asleep.

Okay, night!

I won't be able to sleep tonight because I took a few naps today. Uh oh.

I'm still sick. I actually feel worse today than I did last Thursday or Friday. I'm really getting tired of this. I finally went to the doctor and, thankfully, it's not bronchitis, but I'm still on quite the cocktail of drugs- I hate taking medicine too. Ugh.

The past few days have just been sort of blah... I think it's just because I'm sick though. Luckily it's getting nicer out- maybe tomorrow I'll be able to spend a bit of time outside, but that will be hard because I have class all morning and then a few meetings and class all afternoon.

I hate it when I don't feel good enough. Who has the energy or the ego to be confident all the time though?

I'd feel a lot better if I could afford to get a tattoo right now. I need to save some money up for post-graduation shit, but I might have to just splurge a little. I'll be working at High Cliff again soon, so that will bring in extra cash. I had to give up two of the students I tutor at the Y, though, because my schedule doesn't work with theirs. Shitty.

I watched "Into the Wild" yesterday. Pretty amazing. It's one of my favorite books, and, whatever you may say about Alex being an idiot for how he died, he still had a lot more guts than I had. I really wish sometimes that I could just let it all go, not worry, and just hoof it for awhile- not even as long as he did either. I just want that freedom sometimes. The guy learned some amazing stuff during his travels too. I can't even imagine.

I think every weekend in the month of May I have something going on- the first one I plan on working a bit at the park, camping out that Saturday night, the second is reading period, so I'll have Thursday and Friday off, and then the weekend I'm going to Illinois with my mom and sister, the third is Kappa formal, Shack-a-thon, Zoo Days, my cousin's wedding, and Alison's birthday, and the fourth is Memorial Day (or so I assume). Wow.

I should really go back to my room and spend more time hovering above the humidifier.

Sometimes I wish I could be perfect- I just really wish I could make everyone happy, but I know that's not possible. At least I feel as though I've been getting healthier, which is a good thing- since adopting the vegan thing, I've lost quite a bit of weight, which is crazy, but it goes to show you what you are eating in all of that dairy. Of course, that is not the reason at all, by any means, why I am doing this. I just feel like my body is getting that much healthier- sort of cleansing it of all that shit.

What is perfection though? Am I judging myself based upon the subjective standards of our culture and society? I always look at myself so harshly. I really, really hate societal norms and having to try to please everyone else. I just want people to appreciate me for who I am- which is probably more difficult for them than it is for me- I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, so basically everyone else just has to deal with my personality or get away from me. I don't like facades and trying to impress people. I am who I am.

Anyway, enough of this existential reflection. We have a visiting author next week, so I'm reading a bit more of his stuff- I get to have lunch with him with some other students, which is pretty sweet. I also was able to get in contact with one of my favorite artists regarding an interview for my Advanced Painting course. My professor is still encouraging me to contact Robert Rauschenberg, but I'm really nervous because I can only find his gallery/workspace number- e-mail is so much less nerve-wracking.

I'm feeling better- I still sound like crap, but at least my head and ears have cleared up a little bit. I really just want this annoying cough to go away.

Molly and I are going to have a tea and homework date tonight which I am quite excited for. I also have a little bit of Kappa stuff. Saturday is all the hockey stuff, and there is also a movie thing I had been interested in at the PAC, Sunday is Cabaret, Kappa, Hall Council, etc.

I'm ready to graduate. I'm ordering a Luther t-shirt online. I know. I'm lame.

I'm getting started on a few more pieces- I've adopted a few more new techniques with glazing and applying modeling paste, so these might turn out a little bit differently than normal, but I'm okay with that.

Isn't it strange how the kids you've know since you were tiny still pretty much look the same?

...quite literally. My body has been overcome by sickness. Monday night, I started feeling a little sick and getting a migraine, but I figured it was just from stress. Then Tuesday morning, I woke up at like 5 unable to swallow. It’s been getting progressively worse- I’ve been having a hard time breathing because I’m so plugged up. I sound like an 80-year-old chain smoker too. haha. I went to the nurse this morning because I was too lazy to go to my actual doctor, and they tested for strep, and, luckily, I don’t have that. She gave me some sweet meds, and I have been feeling better. I just want it to go away, though.

This weekend should be pretty good, despite the fact that I have to work Saturday night- I’m planning on going to the hockey tournament with Margo and then dinner, maybe hanging out with the family a little bit, hopefully hanging out with some other pretty sweet people too, getting caught up on some work.

I’m working on a few pieces for my Advanced Painting class that are going to be pretty great, I think. God, I love art way too much.

I think I need to drop some of the kids I tutor- it’s just too much right now. I need a little bit more free time to get some stuff done.

I wish the weather would warm up a bit- I know I would be in a much more positive mood- it’s hard to stay optimistic when it’s disgusting outside.

My mom says sometimes I’m too uptight- I think she’s right. My goal for the next bit is to chill out a little bit, relax, just have fun. What’s the point of life if you don’t enjoy it?

Part of that chilling out is going to the VR tonight for drinks- which may or may not happen depending on how I feel- hopefully it will happen though. I have my Black Mountain College Independent Study in a bit, then dinner, then homework, then COBs, and then more homework/VR. Tomorrow is going to be busy too- Advanced Painting, meetings, Non-Fiction Writing, tutoring, meeting with a friend, COBs, and then homework. If I don’t have too much going on, I wouldn’t mind going home to hang out a little bit as well- I need to pick up my mail.

Okay, I have to get ready for my class.

of life if there aren't risks involved?

No point at all. That is why I've decided to officially take a position (drumroll, please) at Luther College in Iowa. Yep, Iowa. I know. It's only four hours from home, which beats the longer drives for some of the other schools.

I should be more excited than I am, I think. I think I just sort of feel guilty, which is really lame, but it's true. I was offered a few other positions, so I feel bad not taking one of those. I'm also still really unsure about whether or not I made the right decision- I'm really going out on a limb here, not staying in my safe zone by my family and everyone I know.

I am way too complicated for my own good. haha. At least I realize that, right?

But this is me making adult decisions, and it will more than pay off in the end, I feel. I feel as though this process has really matured me (in a good way- I don't have any wrinkles or gray hairs... yet). I am just happy to know where I'm going to be for ten months.

Plus, I don't have to move in until the end of July, which is nice- I can spend time this summer camping, hanging out with friends, working at the park- all that stuff.

Did I mention that I'm sick? I woke up last night barely able to swallow- I also had a terrible migraine when I went to bed. I was hoping it would all go away, but, alas, I'm still in pain this morning. I hate taking meds too, and I'm all out of my migraine stuff anyway. At first I thought the migraine was from stress because I've had quite the week, but I think I'm actually sick.

My mom made me salsa. It's delicious.

I should probably get going. I need to brush my teeth before heading over to Advanced Painting.

Okay, bye.

It’s so beautiful out! The nice weather has definitely aided in the betterment of my mood. I fucking hate winter.

I’ve made a decision- I’m not going to say it yet because I still have to make some calls, but I made a decision. Let’s just say that corn is involved.

It was a good weekend- it feels good to be back in Wisco. I may go home for a bit tonight to relax- it’s really nice not having classes on Mondays and Fridays! I think I’m going to dig that! I also thought I had to work tonight at the desk, but I don’t... which is amazing. I have to work two Saturdays in a row, but that’s okay- I’ll live.

I think I’m going to get a massage this week- do a little something for myself. I’ll at least do something of that nature- maybe go see a movie. Although there really isn’t much to see as far as movies go. I mean, the last one I saw was the second National Treasure, and, even though I felt it was cinematographically amazing and beyond words, I may not find that same experience again this time seeking out a different movie. hahahaha. Okay, yeah, no- Nicholas Cage? Why do you choose these shitty fucking roles?

I do have a list of documentaries I want to see... I know, I know- I’m a nerd.

I’m trying not to dwell on the fact that my siblings are at the Brewers game, and I am not. Oh well, right? Many more games to go to in the season.

I heard a song today I hadn’t heard in ages, and it made me happy.

Okay, I’m going to clean up a bit (which means scrubbing- haha), and then do some homework. I have Kappa tonight, and then more homework, but it will be nice to get a little bit ahead- I should work on my painting for a good chunk of time tomorrow too. I think I’m going to do one for my brother and his fiance as a wedding present, but I want to really think it out before I decide what to do- a lot of the stuff I create doesn’t necessarily look right over the mantel. haha.

Okay, off to enjoy sunshine and windex.

So I am really sick of being stressed out... really, really, really sick of it. I feel like a freight-train has run over me, honestly. I never thought I could be this sick of travelling- I just want to sleep in my own bed.

I don’t know- this just could be my over-exhausted rant. I personally think I have made my decision, but I don’t want to unleash it until I know for certain. Will I ever know for certain, though? It’s still so early in the game, but I want to know where and what I am going to be/doing for the next year or so of my life.

This is just one of those times where I really want to just scream and yell and freak out at people, but that’s not very nice, is it? I suppose not, so I shall proceed to keep my mouth shut for awhile.

It’s been a long week. The worst part is is that I can’t even make it back in time tomorrow to say goodbye. I feel like the past few years I haven’t had time to fully process and heal from things, and this is one of those instances. I’m on the go way too much. I’m still trying to sort things out from years ago. This really isn’t the time to be trying to figure these things out, though, lying in a hotel bad at a Comfort Inn outside of St. Louis when I have a flight to wake up for in the morning.

I’m just really out of it right now.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sleep.

I’m just not full of my typical witty banter, I apologize. You must be disappointed.

I honestly just want to be on a plane on my way home- I’m tired. My back is killing me- I’m sure the plane ride will do wonders for that. Luckily, my layover in the Cities isn’t too bad. The weather also looks good, so I hopefully won’t be delayed.

I also just realized that MySpace uses "customise" which is incorrect. They need to use "customize."

I would realize that, I know.

I think I need a hug. A big one.

I don’t know where you are, good sir, so I can’t send you my regards- if a place beyond this one exists, I hope you find it.

I don't think my last post posted, and I didn't copy it at all. I shall give a quick recap:

I just got back from interviewing and visiting with Luther College in Decorah, IA last night. It's such a beautiful drive out there. After unpacking and settling back in, I heard that two separate rather unsettling incidents occurred while I was away. I offer my condolences to any other friends or family affected by this. Know that they will both always be in my heart and thoughts.

I leave for St. Louis tomorrow to interview with McKendree.

My room is freezing.

I need lunch.

The Brewers won on Monday and play again today! WOOOHOOO!

Today I have to tutor, meet with a professor, catch up on homework, prep some canvases, grab dinner with M to the argo, and hang out on duty. Yay duty. Ugh.

Okay, I should head out and prepare for the remainder of this surreal week.