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34 M Omaha, NE

My Details

Last Online
Aug 14
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Agnosticism, and laughing about it
Dropped out of university
Sales / Marketing
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
English (Okay)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm currently no longer unfuckingemployed.

I like bacon, and often feel trapped in a portlandia sketch.

I fucking bike everywhere now because I don't have a running car. And I mean pedal bike bike. I fucking hate bikers, and now I have become one. Am I a pedestrian? Am I a vehicle? Nobody knows!

p.s. quit trying to fucking hit me.

I am a tangy, red-shirt, meat popsicle.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
No fucking idea at this point. Trying not to hurt my balls. Eating fried rice. Killing wasps. Wearing your girly underwear and getting off on it.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Sleeping on your couch. Shopping for vinyl records. Making you fall in love with me, and leaving you. Making you grool.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My giant fucking beard that goes down to my nipples, that seamlessly mixes with my chest hair, contrasting with my shaved genitalia. I'm overflowing with testosterone. Seriously girls - if beards turn you on I got what you need.

I always seem to be looking at short, curvy thick chicks in Latex, Spandex, or Uniforms. I've always got hard pornography, Skateboarding Videos, & 70's Bossa Nova Music playing.

I listen to way to much (proper) Dub Reggae.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Jonathan Richman, Daniel Johnston, grindcore karaoke, Beth Gibbons, Gayle Webber ATM, Charles Bronson, Old-School Metalheadz and Renegade Hardware, High on Fire, Sunn O))), etc...

Emo Philips, Eugene Mirman, Steven Seagal, and Pete & Pete. Anything Canadian, All-Girl, and Angsty. KK Null. Talyor Swift. Nigel Pepper Cock.

Bacon. Hummus makes me puke. Bit-o-Honey. Anything Kirkland. Shelf Stable Meat.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My storage shed.
Founders Porter
My new used un-running motorcycle.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
All the mistakes I've made & why I keep making them.

That, and a lot of generally freaky stuff.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Watching my tubby bitch of a roommate play EVE Online. Re-evaluating my life.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I'm probably not as jaded and cynical as I think I am.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 19–99
  • Located anywhere
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You have Pseudostrabismus. I only want to talk to girls that kinda have crossed eyes. I don't care how interesting or attractive or compatible we are. Unless you have this key physical quality, piss off.

Really though, this whole fucking thing (Life, OkCupid, is absurd. Don't message me. Chances are we live too far apart and we both know we are going to do fuck all about it, other than bitch. Or not. Whatever.