I'm impatient and easily amused.
I'm a feminist; I suffer from the delusion that women are people too.
If you're looking for intelligence don't contact me. I can't possibly measure up to your expectations and of course, my English is fucking appalling.
If you don't live in or around Sydney, Australia please don't contact me. I'm fed up with Americans messaging me suggesting that we "get to know each other and see where it leads". I'm not interested in getting married so you or I can get a visa to be together. I'm not interested in long distance relationships. Been there. Done that. Over it.
If your role model is the CEO of your company you shouldn't contact me. If you have a brother or a sister who's a CEO and you consider them the black sheep of the family you should contact me.
If you think Tony Abbott is a top bloke and is a great prime minister you shouldn't contact me. If you don't give a toss about politics you should contact me.
If you think that we need to worry about boat people arriving in Australia, especially if you suspect that they're all criminals, you shouldn't contact me. If you have already figured out that 10 out of 10 criminal immigrants arrive by air you should contact me.
If your most prized possession is a plasma screen that takes up a whole wall in your living room, a car or a jet ski you shouldn't contact me. If you don't think people who don't own a car are suspicious you should contact me.
If you think people who can't tell the difference between rugby league and rugby union are stupid you shouldn't contact me. If you can't tell the difference between rugby union and rugby league you shouldn't contact me. If you think that ice hockey, or possibly handball, is the only acceptable sport there is you should contact me.
If you type messages in txt-speak you shouldn't contact me. If you know how to spell you should contact me, especially if you know how to weave words into magic and tell stories.
If you like beer, BBQ and footy you shouldn't contact me. If you like home-cooked food and know what gefilte fish is even though you're not Jewish you should contact me.
If you don't like coffee you shouldn't contact me. If you like good coffee you should contact me. If you can make good coffee you simply MUST contact me.
If you're looking for your soul-mate you shouldn't message me. If your looking for someone to talk at you should contact me.
If you're a new-age, crystal rattling freak you shouldn't contact me. If you are in need of a shaman you should contact me.
If you see dead people you shouldn't contact me. If you prefer talking to the living you should contact me.
If you need someone to clean your house you shouldn't contact me. If you need someone to find your keys you should contact me.
If you like your womens in high heels you shouldn't message me. If you like your womens in Dr Martens because you think it's both sensible and sexy you should message me.
If you like to talk about the weather you shouldn't contact me; my powers of observation are amazing and I can differentiate a sunny day from a rainy day all by myself. If you think your cat is a great conversationalist you should contact me.
If you get all your views from A Current Affair you shouldn't contact me. If you ever thought that reading every book in the library (except for 50 shades of gray and the Twilight series) would be super cool you should contact me.
You shouldn’t contact me if you have “easy going” in your profile. It probably means that you’re anything but that. You probably have psychopathic tendencies and/or are a control freak, and you need to go see someone. Psychopathy is an incurable condition, I know, but do it for society’s sake, please.
You shouldn’t message me if you have “DTE” or “Down to Earth” in your profile. I have a sneaking suspicion that I prefer people who are “HIH” or “High in Heaven”. And, don’t try to tell me it means you “call a spade a spade” because I have no idea what else you would call it. It’s all lost on me.
You shouldn’t message me if you have “GSOH” or “Good Sense of Humour”. If you did, you wouldn’t need to tell everyone that you do and I would be ROFLing all over the place while I was reading your profile. Not even NELIing (Not Even Laughing Inwardly).
If it says in your profile that you're looking for someone without baggage you shouldn't message me. You're looking in the wrong place. You need to look in a country where they keep their women locked up and away from people like you.
If your uncle is looking over your shoulder right now asking you to send a message to me telling me to contact him on his yahoo e-mail, you really shouldn't contact me. You need to tough-love your uncle and make him do his own hunting.
If your brain is bigger than Ben Hur you shouldn't message me. You've already won the contest since I'm just a stupid woman in comparison.
If you think I sound like I'm a brat you're right. You don't need to contact me to tell me that.
If you're the kind of person who feel a need to get all upset about not having someone replying to you, especially if it's not in a "timely manner" than you shouldn't message me. I don't like being abused just cause I don't feel like typing for a while. There are plenty of girls out there who'll talk to you. Jog on if you don't like me being quiet and you're easily offended.
Where I come from we had trolls living under bridges, in the forests and mountains. It appears they have now migrated to the internet, If you're one of them you shouldn't message me. I learned enough about you in my childhood to find you completely droll. Droll troll. You get it? I made a funny, all by myself.
If you've read this far you've got the patience of a saint.
Q: Are you just here looking for casual sex?
A: No. I mean really, if I was looking for that it would be so much much easier to go to the local pub and I wouldn't have to wait.