I'm a feminist; I suffer from the delusion that women are people too.
If you're looking for intelligence don't contact me. I can't possibly measure up to your expectations, and of course, my English is fucking appalling.
If you don't live in or around Sydney, Australia please don't contact me. I'm fed up with Americans messaging me suggesting that we "get to know each other and see where it leads". I'm not interested in getting married so you or I can get a visa to be together. I'm not interested in long distance relationships. Been there. Done that. Over it.
If your role model is the CEO of your company you shouldn't contact me. If you have a brother or a sister who's a CEO and you consider them the black sheep of the family you should contact me.
If you think Tony Abbott is a top bloke and is a great prime minister you shouldn't contact me. If you don't give a toss about politics but care about silly little things like civil rights you should contact me.
If you think that we need to worry about boat people arriving in Australia, especially if you suspect that they're all criminals, you shouldn't contact me. If you have already figured out that 10 out of 10 criminal immigrants arrive by air you should contact me.
If your most prized possession is a plasma screen that takes up a whole wall in your living room, a car or a jet ski you shouldn't contact me. If you don't think people who don't own a car are suspicious you should contact me.
If you think people who can't tell the difference between rugby league and rugby union are stupid you shouldn't contact me. If you can't tell the difference between rugby union and rugby league you shouldn't contact me. If you think that ice hockey is the only acceptable sport there is you should contact me especially if you’re willing to explain the rules of the game to me.
If you type messages in txt-speak you shouldn't contact me. If you know how to spell you should contact me, especially if you know how to weave words into magic and tell stories. If you like to tell stories about your own life all the time or you’re prone to retelling movie story lines over and over you shouldn’t contact me.
If you like beer, BBQ and footy you shouldn't contact me. If you like home-cooked food and know what gefilte fish is even though you're not Jewish you should contact me.
If you're looking for your soul-mate you shouldn't message me. If your looking for someone to form a close and deep relationship with you should contact me.
If you're a new-age, crystal rattling freak you shouldn't contact me. If you are in need of a shaman you should contact me.
If you see dead people you shouldn't contact me. If you prefer talking to the living you should contact me.
If you need someone to clean your house you shouldn't contact me. If you need someone to find your keys you should contact me.
If you like your womens in high heels you shouldn't contact me. If you like your womens in Dr Martens because you think it's both sensible and sexy you should contact me. If you like your womens barefoot but not while pregnant and in the kitchen you should contact me.
If you like to talk about the weather you shouldn't contact me; my powers of observation are amazing and I can differentiate a sunny day from a rainy day all by myself. If you think your cat is a great conversationalist you should contact me.
If you gather all your information about how the world works from A Current Affair you shouldn't contact me. If you ever thought that reading every book in the library (except for 50 Shades of Grey and the Twilight series) would be super cool you should contact me.
If you like wearing expensive but subtle aftershave because you like to smell good you should contact me. If you smell good all by yourself you should contact me. If you smell like homeless people (one or more gathered together) you shouldn't contact me.
I you have “easy going” in your profile you shouldn’t contact. It probably means that you’re anything but that. You probably have psychopathic tendencies and/or are a control freak, and you need to go see someone. Psychopathy is an incurable condition, I know, but do it for society’s sake, please.
You shouldn’t message me if you have “DTE” or “Down to Earth” in your profile. I have a sneaking suspicion that I prefer people who are “HIH” or “High in Heaven”. And, don’t try to tell me it means you “call a spade a spade” because I have no idea what else you would call it. It’s all lost on me.
You shouldn’t message me if you have “GSOH” or “Good Sense of Humour”. If you did, you wouldn’t need to tell everyone that you do and I would be ROFLing all over the place while I was reading your profile. Not even NELIing (Not Even Laughing Inwardly).
If it says in your profile that you're looking for someone without baggage you shouldn't contact me. You're looking in the wrong place. You need to look in a country where they keep their women locked up and away from people like you.
If you have your own baggage you can contact me as long as you understand I’m not that sweet chick who broke your heart all those years ago that you just can’t seem to forget about. My arse is too big, I’m not super model slim and if you’re balding and wide in the middle around the tummy I’m going to notice even if I’m not wearing my glasses. I’m weird in that I’m quite discerning even if that doesn’t suit you. The only way to get around that is to get to know me and the only way to do that is to behave like you think I’m a human being. Sounds like too much work? Right, jog on then.
If your uncle is looking over your shoulder right now asking you to send a message to me telling me to contact him on his yahoo e-mail, you really shouldn't contact me. You need to tough-love your uncle and make him do his own hunting.
If your brain is bigger than Ben Hur you shouldn't message me. You've already won the contest since I'm just a stupid woman in comparison.
If you think I sound like I'm a brat you're right. You don't need to contact me to tell me that.
If you're the kind of person who feels a need to get all upset about not having someone replying to you, especially if it's not in a "timely manner" then you shouldn't message me. I don't like being abused just because I don't feel like typing for a while. There are plenty of girls out there who'll talk to you. Jog on if you don't like me being quiet and you're easily offended.
Where I come from we have trolls living under bridges, in the forests and mountains. It appears they have now migrated to the internet and found a niche all of their own. They’re making headway and they’re getting noticed. If you're one of them you shouldn't contact me. I learned enough about you and yours in my childhood to find you completely droll. Droll troll. You get it? I made a funny. All by myself.
If you've read this far you've got the patience of a saint. If you're still interested you should keep reading.
I want a real man in my life, you know a man who'll actually admit he has feelings, emotions, thoughts and stuff, and who’ll let me hammer in my own nails when I want to but who steps in and does it for me when it seems to complicated and emotionally draining for me to do myself.
I'm tired of having people trying to make me feel weak, needy and pathetic for wanting a partner in life. A partner. I don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to "own" my orgasm or my body. I want to share it. There is strength in a partnership. There’s value in feeling supported, heard, acknowledged, appreciated and valued. There is opportunity for growth when you’re supported and challenged with respect, compassion and love.
I want to crawl into bed after a long day and melt into strong arms. I want to feel safe. Not just physically safe because he's bigger and stronger than me but emotionally safe because he’s an all grown up, evolved man and he’s man enough to be emotionally secure and mature, and available, vulnerable and open.
What’s so awful about wanting that? It’s not too much to ask for, you guys are really capable of all that. I know I’m enough alone but I want more, you know, like gravy on my potatoes, cream on my cake, extra frothy milk in my coffee served to me by a cute barista. I want the whole deal because it's so much more delicious.
I've done my work. I love myself and I love myself first. I recognize my own value and I think I'm OK even on a really bad day. On a good day I’m freakin' fantastic. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and I even choose to work on some of them because I enjoy growing and learning and I always will.
I don't need anyone to complete me but I want to share my life with someone I can laugh, cry, dream and share with, someone I can create a beautiful life with, begin traditions with, and be physically and emotionally naked with. I want to feel excited in the morning when I open my eyes and see his face. I want to feel blessed each night when his lips meet mine when we kiss goodnight before we fall asleep.
I crave a man I can trust completely, a man who's living his purpose and stands firm in his own truth with intensity and courage, a man who knows himself and his place in the his world, a man who is not afraid of women or his own emotions.
I want to love and be loved at a level I know exists but have found hard to find because everyone seems too afraid. I want to be desired, chosen, and ached for. I want to surrender to it. I want to open all parts of me, especially those parts that have been damaged, hurt, closed off, hidden away and even forgotten. I don’t want to be interchangeable or just a hole for someone to poke when they have an itch. That's a game that holds no interest what so ever to me. What I want is so much more than that.
I don't want to have to protect my heart. I want to feel safe to be fearless and I want to be with someone who feels they can be fearless with me.
And, while I deeply long to find a man like that, I’ll wait for the one who knows himself, has moved past excuses and lives with the courage of his convictions, and who has the guts to admit that he has feelings and emotions. I’m in no rush. I know the statistics, and I know the odds are stacked against me but I don’t care, I will keep looking until I find him and if he never turns up so be it. At least I never settled for less than what I really wanted.