I was one of the original architects of the Kremlin, I invented static electricity, I discovered both vitamin C and North Dakota, and I'm in a constant battle to make Puerto Rico a state.

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That was my attempt to sound interesting on the internet. Talking about myself on a dating website sure is exciting and all, but awkward enough that I might use a little bargain humor and wit to get through it, if that's okay with you?

I guess I'm what some would call a "Student of the World." I took a slightly different course growing up than most: while I studied English and Theater in college, I had trouble settling down and ended up working a few dozen different jobs while doing it, and I wouldn't have traded those years for anything in the world. In no particular order, I have been officially employed as:

a Construction Contractor, a Theme Park Performer, an IT Professional, an actual High School Drama Teacher, an Audio Engineer for both Television and Radio, a Retail Supervisor or Manager several times over, a Professional Baseball Mascot, a Telemarketer, a Stage and Film Actor, a Prosthetics Support Specialist, a Home Improvement Professional, a Director of Operations for a Professional Baseball Team, a Cashier, a Mr. Trash, a Truck Loader, a Published Author of textbooks and magazine articles, and a Hospitality Worker among several other things.

These days I'm running my own business, which gives me a lot of flexibility in my life to do the things I enjoy, like make short films and contemplate why fat kids never get kidnapped. I live my life, I don't hurt other people when it can be avoided, I will always tell the truth when it's asked of me, and I tell lots and lots of stories (something that my life's path has filled me with.)

As for what I'm looking for? While I'd never considered myself to have a "type" as it were, recently I've come to realize that a personality attraction with no physical attraction sucks. It seems Hallmark to say it's solely about what's inside, but it'd be dishonest and unfair to both people involved where I'm concerned. I like a pretty girl with a healthy body, and I think that's okay to say without being deemed "shallow." At least I hope it is. I work out every day trying to do my part to reciprocate. I don't have a hard body that I can take a dozen pictures of topless to plaster on my profile, I just work to maintain and stay healthy. With the shallow-talk out of the way, she would also need a decent amount of honesty, intelligence, and she'd have to be capable of laughing both with me AND at me, generally for the things I stumble over in my life. I will spend most of my time trying to make you laugh. It's my favorite thing in the world.

As long as we can both be immature and irresponsible when we want to be, and mature and responsible when we need to be, I don't personally care what year you were born in. That said, my interests trend to women that are 22-30, for whatever that's worth.

While I'm typically considered pretty smart, I can sometimes come off intimidating when I get excited about something and start rambling, but I'm also not above exploiting my shortcomings for a laugh in any situation, regardless of the personal detriment to myself. =)

I'll always go for the laugh.

That said, I'm finding it more pretentious to write about myself at length on a dating website as I do on social networking sites, so I've asked some of my friends to contribute their thoughts on the subject. Yes, I'm weird, but I figured I needed to stand out on this site somehow, right? Anyway, here are some real people talking about their friend, me.

WHAT SOME OTHER REAL PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT JARED:

Jennifer S. Jared is a gentleman and a scholar. We have had some very ponderous conversations. Jared is honest. When Jared feels like it, he can throw some amazing parties. Jared's credo when dating is, "Come for the looks, stay for the personality" but he'd never admit that. Jared is fiercely loyal. Jared's birthday is very close to mine. Jared has a most amusing and entertaining way about him. Mostly, I love to be around him. Jared is my friend.

Josh B. I'd like to say that Jared is a decent person. I'd like to say he cares about the poor, disenfranchised, and huddled masses, and would willingly go out of his way just to make the less fortunate among us feel better about themselves, and their status in life. But this would be lying. Jared cares not about the trifles of the less fortunate, because Jared is not a weak, befuddled ****. Jared is a man in the Hemingway sense of the word. Quick to action when it comes to the thwarting of the stupid, fast with a rifle, and number 1 in any Corrida de Toros this side of the Mediterranean. While some might shrink from the putrefying stench of his flagrant and unflinching machismo, the worthy individual appreciates the sheer grandeur of this magnificent son of a **** and basks in the glory of all that is Jared. I am honored... Honored... to call him my friend.

Amber K. Jared is the kind of man that would like the world to believe he is an evil genius. He is bright....but he is by no means evil. He is thoughtful. He cares about what is going on in his friends lives. He is generous. He is insightful. He is a romantic.

On the other hand, it might just be a really good act. Yeah, he's evil.

Karen R. What can I say that hasn't already been said? Jared is the most complex person I've ever known, or known of anyone else to know! My favorite thing about Jared is his eternal optimism. Even at his most depressed, he still sees the best in everyone else, even if not in himself at a given moment. Jared only associates with the most special and amazing people. Just being his friend makes me feel better about myself, because he cares about people more than most, and when he talks with you, you feel safe and taken care of.

Verizon W. Our records show your account is currently past due. Please visit a payment center immediately to prevent cancellation of your account.

I'm filling out a profile on an internet dating website. I am truly a pillar of excitement and danger...

Life changes fast in my world, ask me and I'll tell you what's up this week.

Hyperbole. Also, everything else in the entire world.

And if you get that, we can be friends.

Okay, I asked some folks. The answers include "my eyes" and "my hair." When I have hair. I tend to change my 'look' a lot. Mostly for theatrical shows. Sometimes just cause it grows back so damn fast. I'll post some pictures.

I will watch any movie in the world once. My passion is film. The music I like is usually from films I've liked. I spend all day at work reading, so my book habits have suffered because of it, but Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies, and anything by Hunter S. Thompson or David McCullough tend to be favorites of mine.

I'm also kinda nerdy. When I play Scene It! movie trivia, I'm forced to play by myself against teams.

... what I'm going to do next... and how to explain the things I just did...

And trying to figure out how to start conversations with strangers on the internet without sounding creepy. Was I a visitor to your page? If I was, there was probably a, "Dude, man the fuck up!" conversation in my head while I was doing it.

When I was 16, the day I got my license, I ran over a cat. I got out of my car, sat on the road, and cried a bit. My best friend was in the car, and laughed at me, so I picked up a piece and threw it in her hair. Best friends forever!

Also, on the right there, it says I graduated from Space Camp. Thing is, I actually, truly did, so I can't not put that as my answer there!

You want to laugh or I just walked off with your keys. I'm sorry about that, really. We both have that Captain Crunch keychain after all.